AIBU to ask about your sleeping arrangements with your DP

[Hydrangeblueeyes]

About 3 years ago my husband started sleeping in the spare room due to his incessant snoring. Not only did it wake me up in the night, it stopped me from getting to sleep. I couldn't use ear plugs because I had to be on call overnight sometimes for my work and also my Mum was getting frail and she may have needed to contact me at night. He is also a light sleeper, and would often wake me up when he was getting up in the night to go downstairs if he couldn't sleep ( he would inevitably drop his phone on the bedroom floor when doing that , which meant I was seething with fury and couldn't get back to sleep!!) Any way..... three years later I have retired from work, my mum died and my husband lost weight and doesn't seem to snore. But, I don't want to ever share a bed with anyone ever again. My husband also seems happy with the arrangement. I love my own space, to read as long as I like, paint my nails at bedtime, have the room / bed as warm/cool as I like, listen to podcasts. So why do I feel that it is an admission of failure? That married couples should somehow sleep together, like my parents and grandparents did? I shouldn't care what people think, but I never tell friends/family that we don't sleep in the same bed if the subject ever comes up. It kind of feels like separate beds equals emotional distance too. We get on fine, we been together 30 years with the usual ups and downs. Does anyone else have this arrangement? If so do you feel a bit uneasy about it? Or are we just conditioned to sleep in the same bed as our partners?

My DH and I have separate bedrooms, with the big double bed in his room (due to its size). When we want to, or there's some other reason (like overnight guests), we share that bed and those times are special to us. But we each sleep so so so much better in separate beds. When we travel, wherever possible we get separate beds (sometimes even separate rooms in AirBnBs if we can afford that).

I think that any couple at any age who has the space and can afford it should consider separate bedrooms. It really cuts down on so many arguments/bad tempers due to sleep disturbance. Especially when the wife begins going through menopause, there's often a disparity in what temperature the room should be or how thick the duvet should be. Separate beds solves that.

I know lots of couples in their 30s and 40s who do this.
Of course I'm sure some do it because they are unhappy but the vast majority did it because of co-sleeping with small children and/or snoring, just like their own space, night shifts.
It's really common.

I've sometimes threatened to boot DH into the spare room when his snoring is very loud, but instead I kick him awake and race to fall asleep before he can. He would be very upset if we were in different rooms as he is very much of the belief that it's a sign of the end. However, men don't talk to each other about these things, so he is unaware that probably 70% of our couple friends sleep separately.

If it works for both of you do it!

I found it interesting to learn that a lot of continental Europe use separate duvets when they share beds so that they can have the temperature they want and aren't fighting over the covers! Seems very smart!

I would not be with my partner if had to share a bedroom anymore. Fine for the first 10-odd years and then as we aged he started snoring badly. Earplugs not good enough, I tried going to bed before him to fall asleep first, he went to a sleep clinic too but I found myself night after night crawling onto the sofa because of the snoring.

In the end I made up the spare room as a bedroom and popped a little single bed in there and slept so much better, the cat and I sleep in there away from the snorer! He doesn't like anyone to know but I don't care. No shame in admitting I'd probably would've killed him by now otherwise, no sleep is not a easy way to live life.

This is such a weird post.

I'm not jealous, believe me. I'm slightly sorry for you. Personally, I love sleeping with my husband.

We sleep separately. Both early 50’s, he snores BADLY! Can hear him through the walls. We have ‘sleepovers’ then I send him back to his own room!

It is still young to be in a sexless relationship. Just be cautious you might think he's ok with the arrangement, many people go along with it as what choice do they have.

Yeah that's how I grew up. We tried one large duvet and it was horrible (when we still shared). 2 seperate for a win. I even took it as far as having own double. I like to roll myself into it so no air gets in anywhere. Bliss

We share a bed but have our own duvets. We sleep much better when the other one isn’t stealing all the covers

Your friend’s arrangement seems perfect to me!

Partner sleeps with 2 dogs and cat, I love my animals but have no wish to fight over a bed space with them, I have my own lovely, clean, hair free and nice smelling room and we still make time for each other 😄

Someone doth protest too much

No one is jealous of anyone who sleeps separately and usually has a sexless relationship as part of the bargain. No-one.

My husband snores terribly and I am a light sleeper and very irritable with it! We started sleeping separately when I was on maternity leave 16 years ago and never went back. He would prefer to sleep together, but I would never go back. I was forced to share a small room with my sister growing up and think having my own room and a super king bed to myself is the height of luxury!

We have always just slept in the same bed, I much prefer it.
We almost always go to bed at the same time too, it works really well for us.
Together 18 years, 2 kids.

This thread is interesting! It’s never really occurred to me to not share a bed with DH, I enjoy it even if he does snore and can fall asleep in 10 seconds flat while it takes me ages to drop off.
Whatever works for you is fine as long as everyone is happy with it.

I think that any couple at any age who has the space and can afford it should consider separate bedrooms. It really cuts down on so many arguments/bad tempers due to sleep disturbance.

We have the space to sleep separately, we just have no reason to. Are other couples really having so many arguments or taking out their bad tempers on eachother due to sleep disturbance? Seems quite dramatic for most couples.

We have periods of sleeping apart and they are getting longer. The main issue is dh snoring, I used to b able to just fall back to sleep but since the menopause I cannot do that, so he would wake me, id be nudging him awake and the cycle would continue. I’d be very cranky the next day.
We both agree we both get a much better nights sleep separately.

I do miss a cuddle before sleep so every few weeks we’ll attempt to sleep together and that usually lasts about two nights before I can’t cope with the snoring and he’s out again.

We base our sleeping arrangements based on what’s happening at the time, our youngest still creeps into bed in the night which usually results in him kicking one of us out as he star fishes…the person that’s been left clinging to the edge usually gets out and sleeps in his room.
Sometimes DH snoring is so loud I creep into bed with one of the ones that has a double bed and won’t mind waking up to find me asleep in there if the youngest hasn’t migrated already.
I’d love to have a little room all to myself so that when I get woken by snoring or I want a peaceful night I could retreat into it but sadly all rooms are occupied!
I think it’s fairly common to sleep apart, I know at least 4 people who sleep in seperate rooms to their spouses it sounds heavenly!

We sleep together. But if my husband goes out and has a lot to drink he stays in the spare room as he snores a lot then. I wouldn’t want to sleep separately all the time though.

You can have all that and still sleep in separate rooms.

It's sad to see isn't it. No wonder relationships board is so full of 'we don't sleep together but dp said they were happy with that but I've found these messages I can't believe it!'

Sharing a bed is a good thing in a relationship. Keeps everyone invested and connected.

This is the perfect way. Still have sex and cuddles and pillowtalk. Then go to sleep in separate beds. Then cuddle in morning.

We sleep separately. DP is a very light sleeper and struggles getting comfy and tosses and turns in his sleep which wakes me. I sometimes talk in my sleep and wake him.

2 year old comes in with me when she has a bad night so he has to relocate anyway when that happens.

we all sleep much much better apart!

If we had a spare room I think I would be in there a lot. Mainly due to snoring but also I like time alone when I go to bed and wake up and I get much warmer than him at night so I could have the windows open all the time.

However we are 4 bedrooms, 3 kids so I'm just waiting for one to move out first! Both my in laws snore like trains so I'm not expecting the issue to go away in retirement 😭

Well that’s us told! 😂