AIBU to ask about your sleeping arrangements with your DP

[Hydrangeblueeyes]

About 3 years ago my husband started sleeping in the spare room due to his incessant snoring. Not only did it wake me up in the night, it stopped me from getting to sleep. I couldn't use ear plugs because I had to be on call overnight sometimes for my work and also my Mum was getting frail and she may have needed to contact me at night. He is also a light sleeper, and would often wake me up when he was getting up in the night to go downstairs if he couldn't sleep ( he would inevitably drop his phone on the bedroom floor when doing that , which meant I was seething with fury and couldn't get back to sleep!!) Any way..... three years later I have retired from work, my mum died and my husband lost weight and doesn't seem to snore. But, I don't want to ever share a bed with anyone ever again. My husband also seems happy with the arrangement. I love my own space, to read as long as I like, paint my nails at bedtime, have the room / bed as warm/cool as I like, listen to podcasts. So why do I feel that it is an admission of failure? That married couples should somehow sleep together, like my parents and grandparents did? I shouldn't care what people think, but I never tell friends/family that we don't sleep in the same bed if the subject ever comes up. It kind of feels like separate beds equals emotional distance too. We get on fine, we been together 30 years with the usual ups and downs. Does anyone else have this arrangement? If so do you feel a bit uneasy about it? Or are we just conditioned to sleep in the same bed as our partners?

We've been happily married for 20 years only shared a bed for the first few. We always watch TV on the main bedroom before bed then I go to my bed taking the dogs he tucks us all in kisses me goodnight locks all doors and toddles off to toss turn hog the too thick duvet on his too soft mattress and generally annoy the pants off no one while I sleep soundly in a lovely tidy clean room with a.thin duvet and a firm mattress. We also early established a rule that I come back, with the dogs as soon as I wake up. He generally snoozes a bit longer.

It's not as uncommon. People just don't talk about it so they don't get "but how do you have sex 👀"
On a sofa while waiting for rice to cook is apparently a crass answer😂

Married over 50 years, separate bedrooms for the past 15 or so. Started after I had major surgery and needed to sleep on the same floor as the bathroom and never went back. It does feel a bit odd telling people, but we both really like our own space.

See, to me, only having sex when you're sharing a bed is what feels scheduled! We have sex in the early evening or at lunchtime when we're working from home, sometimes early in the morning if we're awake before the kids. Only having sex when you both happen to be in bed feels a bit routine and unimaginative (though I'm sure it doesn't feel that way to you those whose preference this is).

H has had a chronic cough since a major surgery in 2022 - worse when he lies down.

what with this and my brain drilling tinnitus I would never manage to get to sleep - only manage 3-4 hrs at most on a good night.

we've had separate bedrooms since then. I would never go back to sharing a bed. Married 39 yrs and still find 'ways and means' - not necessarily at night.

My partner and I have slept separately for the past 7 years - have our own rooms and space. We have a 4 year old who comes in and sleeps with me which is definitely a contributing factor but I really don’t think I could go back to sleeping with him! He snores, I talk in my sleep, I’m very aware of him in the bed and I feel like I don’t sleep very well when we go away for the weekend or on holiday and we share a bed. the idea of cuddling to sleep is nice but the reality is very different…I love our arrangement but my mum always says how weird she thinks it is, then in the same breath complains about my dad’s snoring!

Agree with everyone on here, separate rooms is the dream! I hate when we have guests and have to share. He snores sooo loudly it drove me insane! I love it now, spend the evening together then go off to my room, have a whole bed, no noises, wake up early and get ready for a run with the light on, absolutely love it. I do not buy that humans were supposed to share a bed. Happily married and no issues with intimacy, wouldn't ever fancy it at night anyway!

He snores and thrashes around all night. I have rampant insomnia and get up to wander around or read. How the hell we managed to share a bed for so long without murdering each other I will never know. Now blissfully separate rooms. Love having my own space!

My husband and I not only have different rooms/beds, but also different floors! He's on the top floor and I am on the middle floor. It started when our son was little, and started coming in to our room in the night, and it disturbed my DH, whereas I found it super easy to snuggle up with DS and go back to sleep straight away. We are also on very different timescales. I like going to bed early and getting up early, whereas he's a night owl and gets up late. Furthermore, he snores like a train and I often want to smother him! DS is almost 15 and doesn't come in anymore obviously, but we've kept our separate sleeping arrangements and it's excellent. I think we are happier like this and there is less arguing. I know some will think it weird, but it works well for us.

My DH doesn't want to sleep apart, he also doesn't want to sleep with two dogs, but he can't have everything! I would happily have separate beds, I'm certain me and the dogs would sleep better without him 🤷‍♀️

Separate here...

One of the dogs is a permanent fixture in my room. The other one shares her time equally between me and DH.

Hahaha, I hear you on having to share when guests are at your home. I love it when we can go back to our own rooms

Separate rooms, bliss, 36 years together! I have the en suite so it feels like I have my own little apartment. He has the dog.

I think in days gone by when seperate rooms were a rarity it was more common for a couple to have single beds or twin beds in the same room.
I went to Charleston house in Sussex recently, home to the 1930s Bloomsbury artist set and it was all mean little single beds and illegitimate children.
And an utterly devoted relative couple from their just post WW2 marriage had a twin bed arrangement till their death in the 2000s.

It’s really common. Having your own sleep space and peace is priceless.

I moved to another room,I was having a tough time with menopause and I also snore, Dh is a fidget and because I wasn't sleeping properly he kept me up, anyway ive been in my "own bed" 5 years and I love it, dh also can put his TV on if he can't sleep during the night without disturbing me.

Separate double rooms due to DH health issues and my needing to work but also be on hand if he needs help during the night- but we share at least 2 nights a week too 😉 works for us.

😅

👆🏻I’m in this club too! I wonder now how we ever slept in the same room / bed/ schedule!! Looks like our 25th wedding anniversary gift to ourselves.

I sleep absolutely fine with my DH but if I didn’t? I’d move to a separate room, because sleep deprivation is awful. DH wouldn’t like it though, he’s horrified by the thought.

I don't but would love too..... Husband has epilepsy- and regularly wakes me in the night fitting.... However I can't sleep in the other room- as I worry about him fitting alone.....

I love separate rooms, I love the freedom of not having to get to sleep at a certain time so I'm out for the count before the snoring starts. DH used to make the odd noise occasionally about how 'nice' it would be to share a bed again, but a few years ago he had a horrendous experience at an airport hotel where he got no sleep all night, so I just asked him how anxious he would be to repeat that and pointed out that that is what sleeping next to him is like for me. Every. Night. He hasn't mentioned it since.

We sleep in separate rooms too. It started when I had the flu, about 6 years ago then we both agreed that it was better. No snoring, farting or twitching. (Him, not me ! ) Also DH has prostate trouble and is up and down going to the toilet all night. And I have a prolapse so sex has died off. We are both in our 70's.
The only drawback is when we have visitors and have to share the bed again. I can't stretch out properly 😕
I recommend it, it's great.

H and I slept separately due to my snoring. I'd wake him up with it, he got up very early for work and it was causing him to go sleep on the sofa. Then it turned into him waiting for me to come to bed and him going right out to the sofa.

I felt this wasn't a good way to sleep, it was disturbing his sleep to have to wake up and move etc. And I noticed that the family room was starting to look funny-you could tell someone slept on the sofa, a bed pillow and blanket looked weird to me. You walk right into the family room in our house and it bothered me.

We had a spare room so I cleaned it up and started sleeping in there. H at first didn't like it I think bc he felt awkward but I emphasized it was so we'd both sleep better and we did. I stressed how important good sleep is esp as we age. He passed away this year and I've since moved back into our bedroom but I confess I preferred my little feminine room better (had to make room for someone to use that room now)

I think its fine and smart to prioritize sleep!

I hear your separate bedrooms and I raise you separate houses! 🤣 We only sleep in the same place at holidays/Christmas/trips away.

We have been together for years and have no plans or desire to live together. Our relationship works well, and I don't care what others think. It's really none of their business.

If it works and you are both happy, what's the problem?