AIBU to ask about your sleeping arrangements with your DP

[Hydrangeblueeyes]

About 3 years ago my husband started sleeping in the spare room due to his incessant snoring. Not only did it wake me up in the night, it stopped me from getting to sleep. I couldn't use ear plugs because I had to be on call overnight sometimes for my work and also my Mum was getting frail and she may have needed to contact me at night. He is also a light sleeper, and would often wake me up when he was getting up in the night to go downstairs if he couldn't sleep ( he would inevitably drop his phone on the bedroom floor when doing that , which meant I was seething with fury and couldn't get back to sleep!!) Any way..... three years later I have retired from work, my mum died and my husband lost weight and doesn't seem to snore. But, I don't want to ever share a bed with anyone ever again. My husband also seems happy with the arrangement. I love my own space, to read as long as I like, paint my nails at bedtime, have the room / bed as warm/cool as I like, listen to podcasts. So why do I feel that it is an admission of failure? That married couples should somehow sleep together, like my parents and grandparents did? I shouldn't care what people think, but I never tell friends/family that we don't sleep in the same bed if the subject ever comes up. It kind of feels like separate beds equals emotional distance too. We get on fine, we been together 30 years with the usual ups and downs. Does anyone else have this arrangement? If so do you feel a bit uneasy about it? Or are we just conditioned to sleep in the same bed as our partners?

I’ve slept separately too with my DH since 9 months into dating, before we even lived together! He’s a light sleeper and an insomniac. Will wake 5 times around the night and be up and around the room making noise. Tosses and turns like the bed is a trampoline. I was getting exhausted and often waking up with a huge shock from sudden noise and then couldn’t get back to sleep.

It’s not an admission of failure. You just say we aren’t good co-sleepers is the lingo everyone uses today!

We are besotted with each other and our relationship is rock solid. It wouldn’t be if I was chronically sleep deprived and resentful of him

Remember that back in the day if people had the money they would sleep in different rooms to their spouses too.

You’re both happy with the arrangement because it works for you

I only share a bed now with my DH if we go on holiday and by week 2 I am dying!

The very well-heeled (I'm thinking Louis 14th and his ilk) have their own private suites connected by private passageways to their mistress' rooms.

Or be common like Lord Grantham and walk down to Cora's room ...

I couldn’t imagine not sharing a bed with my DH. I sleep better with him there.

What a very odd rant.

This thread is eye opening. I had no idea so many people lived like this. It sounds incredibly depressing to me. Some people actually sound quite unhappy in their relationships. I feel like during the day I am dealing with work, life, so many chores etc...its so comforting to me that at the end of all i can get in bed with him.

I rather sleep apart, DH’s hobby job means he can get in late and when he does he sleeps in another bedroom so as not to wake everyone up. We both prefer it I think as I’m peri and a tosser and need total silence or a fan sometimes.
We do have separate evenings also, if he wants to watch sport or a documentary and DD and I watch a film for example.

I did. I thought I wanted this. After 3 years he found someone who wanted to sleep next him. We divorced. I will never do that again. I have a DP with serious sleep issues. (Night terrors , PTSD (military trauma) .. but despite disrupted sleep I will NEVER make that mistake again

Also just to say… I think this can be a normal progression of a relationship? You can still be devoted to each other as both of your sex drives naturally decline with age. You do seem to have compatible sex drives, that’s the important thing

Started sleeping apart 3 years ago when DC went to uni. When they are both back we have to share again for a few nights/weeks and it’s hell! He snores, fidgets incessantly, goes to bed hours later than me and I used to have such disturbed nights.

Personally I love the chat when you get into bed, or the waking up chat, the (not frequent enough) hugs etc. but it’s definitely not failure to do things differently op x

We got married after sleeping apart! We used to have actual fights in the night because we were both so tired and frustrated and hate each other next morning. Sex would probably be more often if we slept together for example we were on holiday last week and morning sex came naturally but sometimes at the weekend he’s got in my bed and we’ve done it (teenage child so difficult to do it at night!). If we slept together I think neither of us would want it. On holiday I wear loops but I can still hear him a bit and they hurt after a few days. He says I snore too. Also I go to bed earlier and like to read first and I fidget like hell

I would much prefer to not have to share a bed with my OH! He slept in our child’s room for years whilst child slept in with me - that was much better!

People who sleep in separate bedrooms still 'get into bed' with their partner sometimes you know. 🙄

Honestly!

sometimes at the weekend he’s got in my bed and we’ve done it (teenage child so difficult to do it at night!)

Why does having a teen mean its difficult to do it at night? I have two teenage dc and just don't get this. Lock your door and don't scream the house down surely?

That sounds extremely exhausting. No matter how awful your sleep is (or lack of sleep) with your partner, you will still stay lying next to him so he doesn't stray?

Really? I mean, REALLY?

We mainly sleep together, but DP often goes to the spare room if he can’t sleep as he’ll pootle about on his phone, get up and make a drink and so on. This last week we’ve both had Covid (very retro) and it’s been separate beds with a cat each!

We’ve slept separately since I was heavily pregnant with my eldest and she’s nearly 9. We do on the off occasion if we have guests staying or obviously go away. But I absolutely hate bed sharing. I can’t sleep either I’m such a light sleeper. Hate his snorting and I hate ear plugs. Our friends think it’s weird but we are still as close as we were 12+ years ago!

Think it might be a Scandinavian or Austrian thing? We have separated duvets and it's so much better for us

I'd worry a bit that separate bedrooms is verging into a flatmate relationship, but if both of you are truly happy with it, that's all that matrers

Since you are both happy with the set up I would just make sure you express your appreciation of him verbally and initiate kissing and cuddling regularly. Doesn't have to be protracted - I often give my husband a quick squeeze when we pass in the kitchen and vice versa. You'd be surprised how much difference it can make when you sleep apart.

Husband and I have been together 15 years, haven't shared a bed (in the most part because of his snoring but also me flailing around!) for a decade. We have three kids under 7 so hasn't stopped the other but it has put emotional distance between us....not enough for me to want to share again though.

Dh and I sleep apart 2 nights a week, and then some other nights I decamp into the spare room anyway. I am a terrible sleeper, I sometimes (often) wake around 3am and that’s pretty much the end of my sleep. Not great when I don’t get to sleep until after midnight.
Friday and Saturday nights he has a few drinks and snores so we don’t even attempt sleeping in the same room anymore!
I can easily see 7 nights of separate sleeping in our future and I think it will be fine tbh.

We're mid thirties and have slept seperately since we moved in together. I like to be cosy, with a thick duvet, DH can only sleep in an icebox, window open, fan on, duvet barely more than a sheet, even in January. DH is also a very restless sleeper and wakes me up with his tossing and turning.

We have cuddles and read in bed together, then seperate when we're ready to go to sleep. We have an 18 month old DS in his own room between our rooms and we take turns if he wakes ups.

Not at all. SO MANY of my friends sleep seperately. We do sometimes, if one of us can't sleep or is coming home late, and we love each other very much (and still very much have a physical relationship!). Its all good, do what works for you. I bet if your friends were being honest they'd say they didn't sleep together either, its honestly super common.

We have slept in seperate beds for 10 years. DH is a chronic chainsaw snorer, is a lot larger than me and turns over almost like he's jumping & the whole bed moves! He's also physically hot (he's overweight) and comes to bed late, waking me up. I'm a light sleeper and wasn't getting any sleep. I love my own space. Sleep much better.

DH has a CPAP now, which pushes out a steady stream of air, so if we ever have to share I can't face inwards or I get blasted. The mask also slips as he turns over and makes farting noises. Or he snores through the mask. Poor DS had to share a room with him on holiday (DD shared the double with me) and admitted he barely slept. Booking an abroad holiday now & having to book where dh gets his own soace & I share with DC, so yeah, that pissed me off.