AIBU to ask about your sleeping arrangements with your DP

[Hydrangeblueeyes]

About 3 years ago my husband started sleeping in the spare room due to his incessant snoring. Not only did it wake me up in the night, it stopped me from getting to sleep. I couldn't use ear plugs because I had to be on call overnight sometimes for my work and also my Mum was getting frail and she may have needed to contact me at night. He is also a light sleeper, and would often wake me up when he was getting up in the night to go downstairs if he couldn't sleep ( he would inevitably drop his phone on the bedroom floor when doing that , which meant I was seething with fury and couldn't get back to sleep!!) Any way..... three years later I have retired from work, my mum died and my husband lost weight and doesn't seem to snore. But, I don't want to ever share a bed with anyone ever again. My husband also seems happy with the arrangement. I love my own space, to read as long as I like, paint my nails at bedtime, have the room / bed as warm/cool as I like, listen to podcasts. So why do I feel that it is an admission of failure? That married couples should somehow sleep together, like my parents and grandparents did? I shouldn't care what people think, but I never tell friends/family that we don't sleep in the same bed if the subject ever comes up. It kind of feels like separate beds equals emotional distance too. We get on fine, we been together 30 years with the usual ups and downs. Does anyone else have this arrangement? If so do you feel a bit uneasy about it? Or are we just conditioned to sleep in the same bed as our partners?

We sleep together but I do think that a good night’s sleep is far more conducive to romance or intimacy than just sleeping in the same bed. We’ve had seasons of life where we’ve slept separately: babies, illness, surgery, he used to be overweight and snored heavily for a couple of years. I can’t say it’s made any difference to our relationship whether we’ve been sleeping separately or together.

We do have very different attitudes towards temperature. I have windows open even in winter as I run so hot in bed, and I can’t sleep if I’m too hot. I love a cold bedroom. He will often come to bed wearing a hat and jumper because of it as I go to bed first and throw all the windows open and fall asleep.

My mum stopped sleeping with my dad. My sister and I stopped sleeping with our husbands too!! We all stayed married. My husband snores terribly and I just can’t cope with the sleep deprivation. We schedule sex in once a fortnight which seems to work. Sometimes we meet in the marital bed to give each other a massage as we have quite a lot of family stress lately. This thread has made me realise it’s far from uncommon.

It is more normal than you might expect.
I slept in and out with the children over the years. I took time to get used to sleeping with DH again. He is a light sleeper and he snores. A bomb wouldn’t wake me.,

If it’s good enough for the royals op 🤷‍♀️

To share a bed and to have sex whenever is part of a healthy, good relationship. To sleep with the dog alone whilst dh is wanking next door is not

What a deeply weird comment. Literally no-one has said this happens. What on earth is going on in your head?

I slept in the spare room when mine had major surgery. I’m back again now. I hated sleeping alone.

OP, we've been married for 58 years, have 2 children and 3 grandchildren and have had separate bedrooms since the late 1970s. It was because DH both snored, which made it difficult for me to fall asleep and was also very easily disturbed and found it hard to fall asleep again. We both got so tired, what with having young children and demanding jobs, that we first tried having separate beds in the same toom. Once we moved into a house with 4 bedrooms we had separate rooms and since then have only ever shared a room and bed when we had to on family visits and holidays. Family and friends soon got used to the idea and I have never heard an adverse somment when I mention the fact. Rather the reverse - a surprising number of people have said they they think it's a great idea and wish they could do the same.

If you don't get it you've never shared a bed with a persistent snorer. There's a reason they use sleep deprivation as a method of torture. If you love someone deeply but cannot sleep if you share a room literally what the fuck else are you supposed to do!

You think men sent to the spare room are happy with the arrangement?

Same
My friends are desperately envious that I have my own beautiful, peaceful room without a snoring, farting lump in it
Heaven!!!

Those men who cant get up in the night without dropping everything, turning on the light, snoring but wont seek treatment?
They know exactly what they are doing and they know they are waking up their partners and they are doing it on purpose
Because waking up their partner makes them feel in control

I’m sure some of them are.

Who gives a shit!
I dont

DH and I have been together for about 30 years. We started sleeping in separate rooms when the children were born. We had a couple of years back together when they were about 8, but soon went back to separate rooms again. We both sleep much better for it.

Our sex life has taken a hit, though. It limped on for a while but eventually petered out. We still seem really committed to each other, we get on great. We laugh and talk and snuggle on the couch and kiss. We share a bed if we go away. But I know I'm disappointed in the lack of sex. If we talk about it all the right things are said but nothing actually changes. I've stopped talking about it. I would still prefer to be with him and no sex, but it feels like a weakness in our relationship to me. I wonder if one of us could get our head turned if the right person came along.

Have sex then kick him out to go back to his own room. I was on about this this week, my partner knows he snores, seperate rooms, works for both of us. Im pretty sure I haven't shared a bed with a boyfriend on an every night basis in 15 years + & even now staying at my partners on a weekend, he makes up 2 beds or I go home. Plenty of space, he does wierd things like listening to the radio all night & snoring & i have issues with shoulders & back which means I'm tossing n turning all night, so seperate beds are the future

I want to sleep alone but when the toddler eventually sleeps in her room dp is insistent on his getting back in 'our' bed. I haven't the heart to tell him that I prefer it this way..

Sleeping separately is the best! Both of you get the best sleep and the room the temperature you like. I absolutely hate having to share a bed.

We sleep separate, DH in one of the other rooms and one of the kids sleeps with me.

I always slept with the kids (we have 3) but as they’ve grown up, only one is left now.

Once the youngest decides to move into her room, there is no plans to change this as I could never sleep next to him again! He snores, gets up and is generally very loud. I can hear him from a different room so no way do I want that in the same bed!!!

We are out of sync and both awfully light sleepers. I never thought we would sleep separately but I needed sleep more than I needed togetherness. I keep hoping we’ll fix the issues and we are both trying to lower our BMI to help with snoring and achy bones. He is having bereavement counselling to address insomnia and I am trying to be mroe disciplined on blue light curfew with mobile (failed tonight). Have bought bio attuned lights for our rooms.
i miss sleeping together but am grateful for sleep as we are dealing with a lot at the moment. And with me not tossing and turning next to him, he gets more like 5 hours sleep rather then 2 or 3. And I feel free to move around to help my achy bones.
I do tell people as I try to be honest in most things. Teens have only just realised but accepted explanation of why we are apart.

Together 26 years, I slept
in the spare room for 3 years because of his snoring. I still needed earplugs as it was so loud. He lost weight and stopped
snoring. I went back and got used to sharing again surprisingly quickly. I do wear ear plugs now anyway just in case!

and those who sleep separately but profess to have wild sex lives I think protest too much.

😂😂 You really don't have a clue. Our sex life improved enormously once we both had enough sleep and weren't forever tired. We also appreciate having our own space, without impinging on the other's comfort. DH likes to go to sleep with the radio on, while I prefer to read. We're both old now (80 this year) but believe me, our sex life was long, fulfilling and often wild....

This. ^

The assumption that people who sleep in separate bedrooms never have sex, (or any intimacy at all) is farcical and narrow minded, and childish and rather pathetic.

Many will have a better sex life than people spending time in the same bed all night for the whole of their marriage, because they are getting a peaceful restful sleep. You crack on lying awake next to a snoring, farting, grunting husband whilst you tear your hair out unable to sleep and deeply resenting your husband, whilst us separate roomers have a lovely night's sleep after great sex in one of the bedrooms.

The ones who assume separate bedrooms = no sex, are definitely not getting sex themselves, and they're projecting. Because they're jealous of us separate roomers and our lovely cosy space we have (As well as the lovely peaceful sleep!) There's some weird thoughts from a handful of posters on here. 'Sleeping with the dog while your husband wanks himself off in his bedroom!' WTAF? 😂 Give your head a wobble. What a batshit comment.

OP, I am in the same situation as you with my DH, although we are slightly younger. I'm perfectly happy in my own room, and while I wonder what other people secretly think of our set up, I don't care enough to change it. If both of you are happy with the arrangement, then you just carry on with what works. This thread is enough to show you that it isn't as unusual as you think 😀

Yes right hun. Whatever

We share a bed. If we didn't I would really miss the gentle falling asleep conversations and the early morning chat after we wake up. I like that he's there if I wake up in the night. Now we're retired we often have a cup of tea in bed before getting up. These moments are often the nicest parts of my day.

I wouldn't take too much notice. I'm not. I can see when a poster is projecting.

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