.... to not want lunch guests pitching up at 3. Or at least not for actual lunch.

[AlteFrau]

Original arrangement was for late lunch. The guests have a toddler who naps late morning, so I'd imagined they wouldn't turn up before 1. More likely 1.30ish. Maybe 2 at the latest.

We planned something that was easy to heat up, rather than a fiddly meal where timings would need to be exact.

I0 minutes ago we got a text saying, the toddler has only just gone for their nap, so they will turn up about 3.

My discussion with partner was that we'd eat the lunch we prepared now, freeze the stuff that the guests would have eaten, and text back saying, 'Oh you're coming for tea then. There'll be some cake.'

What would you do?

Surely it's better to take a rested toddler to a family lunch than a very stroppy tired one?
It sounds as though the sister in law told them in advance that the baby might not go down until late and OP didn't give them a time frame so 3pm sounds very reasonable to turn up for a late lunch

It might just be me but I'd feel really awkward about eating lunch in someone elses house while they just sat there (and possibly threw in a few pass ag comments about how "late" we were).

We had friends who were always late: 2 or 3 hours! No children involved. When they separated no more lateness when coming to us separately!

If I like someone enough to cook them a nice lunch, then chances are I like them enough to wait and eat with them.

Freezing their food is weird & petty.

Well it's not ideal, but better than scraping the guests' lunch all together.
I'd probably eat a little something with them.

YABU, it's just rude. If you haven't agreed a time I don't understand why you expected them at 1.30-2pm. Late lunch can mean anything...

Nap time is usually between 12-3pm on most families around us. Particularly for toddlers, it's usually after lunch, not before.

1 is bang on lunchtime imo. Late lunch would be 2 on a weekday, I could easily push it to 2:30.orv3 on a weekend depending on the rest of the days plans.
If you didn't specify a range of time then YABU, ie "great see you before 2"

According to what law?

If you didn’t set a time, I don’t think they’re unreasonable. I’d regard 3pm as the definition of “late lunch”, so would have assumed that’s what you meant in the first place if you’d asked me to come at the weekend. Just a mismatch in habits and communication, I think. Just wait for them and make a mental note to be more precise next time.

My timings for a 'come round for...
Breakfast 9-11ish
Brunch - 10-12
Lunch - 12-2
Late lunch 2-3
Afternoon tea/cuppa - 2-5
Afternoon drinks/nibbles 3-7/8
Early supper - 4.30-6.30
Normal dinner - 7-8.30
Late dinner 8.30-9.30

But I would specify, ie come round fir 10.30 for brunch. I hate people bring way later than they've said. Drives me mad!

So if you'd arranged for them to come at 1.30 then not coming until 3pm would really piss me off. Toddler will sleep in car or pram.

YABU, or YDH is BU.

You agreed on a late lunch without specifying the time.
You cooked an easy to re-heat food.
They told now what time are they able to come.
Why is it a problem?

If mid afternoon is hard on your health, the late lunch was a bad plan from the beginning.
Just go with the flow for once and arrange something else the next time.

If they're family, why didn't you invite them to come at 11 or 11.30am and put the toddler down at yours at the appropriate (for toddler) time? Have lunch whilst toddler is napping, then go out for walk or whatever thereafter?

Not the end of the world, but I've been sleeping really badly lately and often fade by mid-afternoon. Not the easiest time for me to exude sociability.

Surely if mid-afternoon is a bad time for you then you shouldn't have invited people over for a late lunch??
Inviting guests with no time specified, and seemingly being flexible around their toddler, then freezing their food because they came later than you expected is extremely rude.

Your original proposed message reeked of punishing them and passive aggressively "teaching" them when it is polite to come for lunch and tea.

Spiteful and inhospitable, as you know damn well they won't have eaten and will be looking forward to food they haven't cooked themselves and to going somewhere comfortable and relaxed with family that can understand and support them and help to be flexible around the challenges of raising a toddler. It doesn't hurt you at all to either wait til 3 or have a nap and snack before they come.

All this crap from pps about "why should OP be a slave to the toddler nap times" - well you don't have to be, no, but supporting young children with sleep is to support the capacity and comfort of your loved ones, so why wouldn't you accommodate? Try "Why should OP be a slave to someone's wheelchair needs / dementia?"
Their health and wellbeing needs such as sleep and routine trump yours right now, and you are upset because you think they are being inconsiderate and don't care you have gone to trouble. Well they sort of are, but you could drop that, as you have an ability to flex around that they don't have.

The only game in town really is that you could change your plan and drop the feeling of offence, so that everyone ends up having a nice time.

There is no inherent need for social rules. We have literally made them all up. Use them, sure, but also question them and where they interfere with authenticity and comfort, change them.

Agreed. I’d message, no worries. We’re going to eat lunch now and see you later for tea and cake!

Well we can see why, because OP doesn’t like them and wants to make the whole ordeal as difficult as possible!

It might be a toddler that naps brilliantly in their own cot but not at all when out. A nightmare that messes up your plans for a year. You have to roll with it.

This comment is sheer ignorance. If the couple skipped the nap and brought their toddler earlier, no doubt their tired toddler would have probably screamed with tiredness and had a tantrum, which is pretty standard. No doubt that would have been a problem too, and the couple would have been in the wrong in that situation too. Nobody wants to be a "slave" to their toddler's naps as you put it, but unfortunately in the early years that is how it has to be.

That would be incredibly rude, after the hosts specified a ‘late lunch’, did not say a time, and assured the invitees they would work around their toddler’s nap.

You and DH sound like hard work.

If you want people to come at a specific time, tell them what time you want them .

FFS they have a toddler and are probably stressed to the eyeballs that their toddler didn't get to sleep as expected. It's not like you had a reservation at the ritz. You had some food you could heat up at any time. Just ask if they'll want feeding when they arrive or not and accomodate that and stop being so bloody petty and inflexible or if as a grown adult you can't accept somebody's dependent baby being more of a priority than you then it might be time to scale down the friendship. Do you have kids yourself OP? Presumably not?

I would do your suggestion of eating at your normal time. A casual we’ve eaten lunch so it will tea and cakes.

Best to set a time going forward. I have a travel cot which I can set up in our room out of the way. At this point I’d save the lunch for 3.

You can't say we've eaten lunch so it's just cake!! You really can't.

Inviting someone around for a late lunch with no set time and then eating lunch ahead of their arrival time would be a very very odd thing to do.