.... to not want lunch guests pitching up at 3. Or at least not for actual lunch.

[AlteFrau]

Original arrangement was for late lunch. The guests have a toddler who naps late morning, so I'd imagined they wouldn't turn up before 1. More likely 1.30ish. Maybe 2 at the latest.

We planned something that was easy to heat up, rather than a fiddly meal where timings would need to be exact.

I0 minutes ago we got a text saying, the toddler has only just gone for their nap, so they will turn up about 3.

My discussion with partner was that we'd eat the lunch we prepared now, freeze the stuff that the guests would have eaten, and text back saying, 'Oh you're coming for tea then. There'll be some cake.'

What would you do?

You’re unreasonable not to set a time for your guest and leaving it up to interpretation. Annoying and useless.

I would be raging if id planned a meal and a friend texted me with less than an hour's notice that they would be late because PFB napped late.

If i still wanted them to visit, id say what a shame. You'll miss the meal sadly but you're welcome to still visit for coffee and cake.

If I didnt I would say oh sorry that doesnt really suit us, we worked til 2pm for your schedule and now it seems youll miss the food we will just have to reschedule

Op posted at 3.45 saying they were only just leaving their house so it was definitely way past lunchtime!

But no schedule was discussed beyond “late lunch” with a lunch that could be heated at any time.

They do sound really ineffective. If I knew we had to be somewhere for lunch at 2 I’d make damn sure my toddler napped early, by doing something almost guaranteed to make them nap! Like snack, then out for a walk in the pushchair, or drive in the car.

I think people who are just a bit disorganised and flaky do use having small children as a “get out of jail free”
card when actually they just can’t be arsed to organise themselves.

I0 minutes ago we got a text saying, the toddler has only just gone for their nap, so they will turn up about 3.

In the OPs first post!

Who said lunch was at 2?

Well, surely you would only be annoyed if you had originally invited them for a specific time. If you’d left it that they were going to come for a ‘late lunch’, without specifying, it’s hardly their fault if it turns out that your own idea of ‘late lunch’ being 1.30 at latest, is virtually everyone else’s idea of ‘standard lunchtime’?

OP this is entirely on you for not agreeing a time. You set zero expectations other than what was in your own head. They aren’t mind readers.

Pure imagination.

Surely the best thing is to give them a call and ask what they reckon about food. If they've had a light lunch, then a hot meal at 3pm will be great and I guess they will be out your hair by 5 or 6pm so great for an early night. Alternatively they'll say, don't worry we will eat here (or you can suggest at that) and then do cake and tea. Surely you'll need to eat in the evening, so a hot meal at 3ish might cover you till bed time with a snack. We quire often eat a Sunday dinner at 3 or 4pm ish, and then just have a bit of toast later if we get hungry... meal times don't need to be fixed, do whatever works for you and the guests using some communication

nope, more condescending.

How was it, OP? My BIL, whose children are older than mine, routinely arrives hours late for family meals. We always host Boxing Day, and it drives me bananas, not least because MIL is always upset, but also wants us all to wait for him to arrive before we eat. If I’ve made a meal for a particular time, and also told my kids and other guests that time, I really object, but my MIL is lovely and I know she just wants a ‘family’ time. Fortunately, this year he’s not coming at all, so we can do as we please.

This is the definition of cutting off your nose to spite your face!

If DH wanted a big family meal around the table then why the fuck isn’t that what you served - just at 3pm not 1.30pm????

Why didn’t you just text back “No worries we’re having lasagne so happy to heat ready for 3pm, ooh good I can have a few biscuits as an excuse to keeo
me going! See you then”

It's super petty isn't it, surely for friends and family, even if they said "we got hungry and ate ours already, but let me re heat you a portion" it wouldn't matter. Better than inviting people for a late lunch and then putting in an arbitrary "cut off" for food and insisting there's no meal, whilst they've put the actual available meal into the freezer. It's so strange, why invite people over if you don't like/won't host them!? We all remember the 1st baby/toddler and their schedule, I'd arrange brunch at 10am, not later or lunch from 2.30pm, no later - I'm sure it was a massive arse ache for everyone, but fortunately for me, nobody I knew was this mean spirited!!

I have a toddler and I do have to work around naps. If someone invited me for lunch between 11.30am and 2.30pm I would decline.

If someone didnt give me a time, I would say yes I'll come but I cant be 100% on the time. Because that's how toddlers work, there is nothing worse than dragging a tired cranky toddler to an adult lunch. So ofc they need their nap.

If you're going to invite people with young kids you need to be flexible, if you really would like to spend time with those people. If your schedule and lunch is ridiculously rigid then be upfront about it, but don't expect them to come.

Ugh scheduled nap people are the worst, I just kept mine awake or took them for a ride in the car if I really needed them to sleep but I never let their naps dictate what we did.

Gawd's sake, keep the dinner warm or re heat it for 3ish. Have a snack if you're hungry before then.

But you don't like either one or all the callers, it's so obvious.

I wish more people used specific times or even time windows would be something! I'm not exaggerating when I say every single person I try to make plans with says 'we'll come after lunch' or 'after nap', or stuff like that rather than using hours on a clock, even if I ask 'what time suits you?' I really struggle with it. Esp when planning meals! Someone saying they'll pick up their kid from a playdate before dinner for example, then I reply and say okay....we have dinner at 5 and they're like 'woah, we rarely eat before 630!' I don't live in your house or know your schedule just tell me an actual time! Even if it was, in this scenario, 'come for a late lunch, before 2' (which id agree with many isn't a late lunch for most people but in my house where the kids are hungry around 1130/12, a 2pm lunch would be late!)

Don’t you give a specific time when you invite people to eat with you?

I personally issue my lunch invitations via contemporary dance and expect my guests to understand, via the wavy arm movements, that ‘late lunch’ means ‘1.30 at the latest’.

They've got a toddler - give them a break and stop expecting them to magically fit into your norms. I'm pretty on it and even I struggle to hit all deadlines with (admittedly two) toddlers.

how old are the kids? up before 6 and bed by 10 is a long day for kids

I think a lot of posters are focusing on whether 3pm is a reasonable time for lunch with a toddler, but I don't think that's really the issue here. The actual conflict seems to be between two different approaches to family life…One side values a planned sit-down family meal at a certain time, the other operates much more flexibly around the child's schedule and sees timings as more of a rough guide.
What stood out to me was that the OP repeatedly mentions this relative being a poor timekeeper even before becoming a parent. That suggests the toddler is more of a trigger than the cause. The frustration feels cumulative, with the late arrival being folded into an existing narrative of "they never really consider other people's plans"…
There's also quite a lot in the post about the husband's memories of traditional family lunches, and his disappointment when things don't happen that way. To me that makes it less about the actual meal and more about a family gathering that isn't matching the picture he has in his head. The lunch becomes symbolic of a wider change in family culture and expectations, which is why the reaction seems bigger than a couple of hours delay.
For that reason I don't think the OP is really asking for practical advice about what to serve at 3pm/4pm or later. That problem was already solved by the time she posted. It reads more like a request for validation that her and her husband's disappointment is understandable, alongside a fairly deliberate character sketch of the relatives as unreliable and a bit self-focused. Whether that's fair or not is another matter, but thats the impression I got reading it.

Yes, but they haven't actually arrived at 3, they arrived maybe 4 if not a bit later.