.... to not want lunch guests pitching up at 3. Or at least not for actual lunch.

[AlteFrau]

Original arrangement was for late lunch. The guests have a toddler who naps late morning, so I'd imagined they wouldn't turn up before 1. More likely 1.30ish. Maybe 2 at the latest.

We planned something that was easy to heat up, rather than a fiddly meal where timings would need to be exact.

I0 minutes ago we got a text saying, the toddler has only just gone for their nap, so they will turn up about 3.

My discussion with partner was that we'd eat the lunch we prepared now, freeze the stuff that the guests would have eaten, and text back saying, 'Oh you're coming for tea then. There'll be some cake.'

What would you do?

Your language is rather dismissive - placate?

With a young baby, the arrangement of "late lunch" without specifying the time would sound to me exactly as "after the nap, no need to aim for a specific hour.

He needs to manage his own expectations first, as 1pm just isn't a "late lunch", so the plan was doomed from the beginning.

Sunday late lunch 3pm is still very much within those boundaries. Also toddlers tend to nap between 12.30-2.30pm depending on how old they are. Mine never got up earlier than 2.30pm but might have gone down a bit later as they got older. Otherwise they have a very short window after getting up and a very long window until bedtime. And then have to get to you. We often ate at family about 3pm when the kids were little. It doesn’t last long.

The plan was for a late lunch, still well within the normal time for lunch that is between 12 and 2?

Tbh we are free spirits in my family and don't even have set lunchtimes, dinner times, breakfast. I wouldn't even bother trying to organise such a thing with extended family, too stressful for them.

But why wouldn't you be able to wait?

What's going to happen? You feel a bit hungry?

Just wait.

On Sundays lunch is the only meal and it happens at any point from 1pm to 9pm! That's just in my family.
I wouldn't pack away the cooked food and deny my friends a meal, that seems petty. Just reheat it. To me eating at 3 is perfectly civilized.

The concept of lunch being at the latest 1pm would not fly in our house, I can tell you that for certain! A 3pm lunch would suit me perfectly most days.

Not everyone runs on an 8am/12pm/5pm food schedule, OP.

Maybe you shouldn't have given the impression you were flexible on times when in reality you weren't?

Eating the food then immediately freezing the rest was petty, IMO.

I do think your reply was a bit rude, too.

If I were your guests, I'm not sure I'd want to visit again.

Normal lunchtime on a Sunday 12-2pm to eat. Although 12 is early.

Late lunch = 2-3:30pm - 1:30pm would be early for a late lunch. But to me late lunch normally means having 1 big afternoon meal and no further food that day unless starving in the evening.

I’m sorry that the relative has upset your DH. It can be disheartening to out lots of effort into something only to realise that it won’t go as planned, or that other people don’t value your effort and time as you do.

Given the timing of the last message they’ll arrive around 4pm which is late and rude even for a ‘late lunch’ and having a toddler is no excuse for this.

I do think next time having a confirmed time would help (I appreciate they don’t like times but in the real world this is what people do) and perhaps it’s simpler to lower your effort to match their lack of concern. Then your DH will be less hurt and less time wasted

What a strange response.

The OP says "they will turn up about 3".

Why are you trying to make out they'll arrive at 4?

Wild your annoyed with their timings when you never actually specified a time that lunch would be ready??

You are not being flexible by not stipulating lunchtime but also having a secret deadline.

You are setting everyone up to fail.

State when you want to eat.

If the timing doesn't work then the lunches don't happen.

@RikthePoet at 3.45 ish she wrote “Relative has just messaged to say they are on the way.” So I’ve assumed 4pm, of course it could be later or a bit earlier

Why is my response strange?

I think your message is fine. 3pm isn't lunch in anyone's book. But you should also be prepared for them to cancel or be even later because they have to eat.

The real issue was trying to get them to commit to lunch when, it sounds, you knew the toddler's nap would disrupt timings. Your DH really wanting them to come to you and have a sit down lunch when you live so far away and they have a toddler lacked consideration for their situation. Would the toddler really have wanted a sit down lunch anyway?

Go to them and take them out for lunch next time if a sit down lunch is pinnacle of family connection for DH.

Sorry, I misread the follow-up message.

Really?! I’ve rarely eaten anything at all before then so wouldn’t bat an eye. Even as a small child my DD ate her packed lunch after school (3:30pm).

even if you think lunch happens between 12 and 2pm, OP agreed to a late lunch, so 3pm should be fine, no?

3pm isn't lunch in anyone's book.

It is for many people on this thread, especially "late lunch" and especially on a Sunday.

I agree. You should have set a time. If they hadn't arrived by then you should have just gone ahead.

I’ve rarely eaten at all before 3pm and am amazed at how people expect such rigidity around when meals are eaten. It’s a very weird thing concept. Why would everyone be hungry at the exact same time of day?!

Agreed. I eat when I’m hungry/when I’m not busy doing something else. Some days lunch will be at 1, some days at 4. Sometimes dinner will be at 6, sometimes at 9. I can’t personally imagine being so rigid about mealtimes… if you are busy/out doing something at 1pm would you immediately stop doing it/go and get lunch just because it’s lunch time?
If the OP and her husband wanted to serve the meal at a particular time, they should have actually told the guest that time, instead of expecting them to mind read.

I think you and your DH have been a little unreasonable. You know the guests are known for being late and you know they have a little kids so it was a bit daft to expect them to suddenly mend their ways and pitch up on time.

You guests are obviously rude and daft to except the invite with a definite yes.

This is all just very strange. Guests were not given a time. OP seems like she doesn't want them there into the evening so withdraws lunch invite and gives them a cup of tea so they will go on their merry way quicker. She also gets to freeze the food they would have eaten rather than ask them if they would like it when they arrive. Just mental carry on.

You really fo need to agree on a time and say "okay we're cooking and lunch will be ready at 1pm. If your day is going sideways give us a call to reschedule."

Since they always run late, actually plan food to be ready a bit later so you have a cushion.
Just reschedule, buy perhaps don't plan with them. Their priorities are different and now it's even more difficult to schedule with them.

3pm would be a normal time for late lunch in my family/friends. Anytime between 12-2 is a normal lunch. So later that 2 is a late lunch, probably up to 3:30-4pm would be a normal late lunch, particularly on a Sunday.

If we were having Sunday lunch either at home or in a restaurant we would usually eat late afternoon to be fair. That being said, if I’d invited someone over I’d have clarified the timings beforehand and not just assumed!