Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

.... to not want lunch guests pitching up at 3. Or at least not for actual lunch.

277 replies

AlteFrau · Yesterday 13:04

Original arrangement was for late lunch. The guests have a toddler who naps late morning, so I'd imagined they wouldn't turn up before 1. More likely 1.30ish. Maybe 2 at the latest.

We planned something that was easy to heat up, rather than a fiddly meal where timings would need to be exact.

I0 minutes ago we got a text saying, the toddler has only just gone for their nap, so they will turn up about 3.

My discussion with partner was that we'd eat the lunch we prepared now, freeze the stuff that the guests would have eaten, and text back saying, 'Oh you're coming for tea then. There'll be some cake.'

What would you do?

OP posts:
Velumental · Yesterday 15:55

AlteFrau · Yesterday 13:17

Well, the guests still in the 'perfect first baby' stage with a toddler that tends to wake early but nap for an hour at around 11.30. So if we'd said 1, we' d have got into this long, tedious conversation about 'Oh we don't know when toddler will go down for their nap, so it might be 1.30.'

It is my husband's side of the family and he was very keen for there to be a 'proper family meal.' He'd been cooking since 11, so the rhythm of the day was based around the idea that we'd be likely to eat at 1.30 or 2.

A bit of flexibility fine - but I think it's eating too far into the afternoon for lunch esp. at this time of the year, when it's getting dark at 4.

Maybe if it was some really big Christmas lunch thing, where there had been lots of nibbles, snacks etc late morning, but not otherwise.

No chance for walking to the park, playing in the garden etc.

Not the end of the world, but I've been sleeping really badly lately and often fade by mid-afternoon. Not the easiest time for me to exude sociability.

Shall let husband deal with the guests for the most part, I think.

It sounds like you have children? Do you? If so you'll know some babies won't nap away from home? Then the day is ruined for their family. And their night sleep. I had bad sleepers and I literally wouldn't jeopardize their sleep for anything. Mine are 5 and 8 now so not an issue at this point. However id be very sympathetic to this. One of mine slept great on the go so was easy to transport the other a nightmare for day sleep and more dependant on their nap.

Cosyblankets · Yesterday 15:58

130 is not a late lunch. 130 is around lunchtime.

If you'd done something that was easy to heat up what was the issue?

MitohMit · Yesterday 16:01

Snack now, proper meal when they arrive!

Then, in future, make it clear when you're expecting to see them, hopefully giving them a large window eg 1.30 - 2.30 pm.

Our Sunday lunch is 3pm fyi.

Thereshewasjustwalkingdownthestreet · Yesterday 16:01

If you don’t know when someone is coming, why make a hot meal? Sandwiches would be easier! Sounds like you’ve not thought it through! I’d have replied at this point asking if they want to eat at 3 as you misunderstood and whatever you’re making won’t keep.

IndigoBluey · Yesterday 16:03

Mooselove · Yesterday 15:29

Well it is surprising that anyone would think 3pm is lunchtime!

Show quote history

But a normal lunchtime is 12-2 so a late lunch would be post 2

BugJuice · Yesterday 16:04

AlteFrau · Yesterday 15:44

I think the issue is partly with my husband who wishes to placate his relative who was a notoriously bad timekeeper even before they became a parent. Requests to come for a particular time never worked. There would be a vague resentment about being pinned down. They'd turn up significantly later or there'd be a series of messages about a change of plan.

But my husband also really really wanted a sitdown family lunch. In his wider family, this always used to be around 1 - not mid-afternoon - and there are a lot of happy memories of cross-generational meals.

I think over the last few decades there has been a shift towards everything being much more informal - microwaves make it easier to heat something up. But I think something has been lost

My husband is older and he is prediabetic. Obviously he can keep himself going with snacks. He is disappointed because he would so much like his relative - who is of a younger generation - to be better at juggling different needs.

A toddler is a priority, but it is useful to be able to think about others too, and try and balance things.

I feel a bit sad for my husband because what is happening is so different from what is in his head. A bit like the woman who has planned the perfect Xmas and then there are hitches.

Relative has just messaged to say they are on the way. It is going to be afteroon tea.

We will probably stick to more casual teas, coffee etc for the time being. As Mumsnet sometimes likes to say, 'Our house. Our rules.'

I’m sorry your husband is upset, but the issue here is that he has built up a big plan in his head without actually communicating it to the others involved in the plan.
Next time ‘lunch will be served at 1.30pm’ would be a good idea.

Whaleandsnail6 · Yesterday 16:04

AlteFrau · Yesterday 15:44

I think the issue is partly with my husband who wishes to placate his relative who was a notoriously bad timekeeper even before they became a parent. Requests to come for a particular time never worked. There would be a vague resentment about being pinned down. They'd turn up significantly later or there'd be a series of messages about a change of plan.

But my husband also really really wanted a sitdown family lunch. In his wider family, this always used to be around 1 - not mid-afternoon - and there are a lot of happy memories of cross-generational meals.

I think over the last few decades there has been a shift towards everything being much more informal - microwaves make it easier to heat something up. But I think something has been lost

My husband is older and he is prediabetic. Obviously he can keep himself going with snacks. He is disappointed because he would so much like his relative - who is of a younger generation - to be better at juggling different needs.

A toddler is a priority, but it is useful to be able to think about others too, and try and balance things.

I feel a bit sad for my husband because what is happening is so different from what is in his head. A bit like the woman who has planned the perfect Xmas and then there are hitches.

Relative has just messaged to say they are on the way. It is going to be afteroon tea.

We will probably stick to more casual teas, coffee etc for the time being. As Mumsnet sometimes likes to say, 'Our house. Our rules.'

But you still could have had the sit down lunch, just later after having a snack to tide you both over.

I don't understand why you have frozen the food and got the hump when a) a time wasn't specified b) you purposely cooked reheatable food and c) it doesn't matter what time you eat if you wanted a sit down meal, have a sit down meal.

Why could you not have had the meal at whatever time they turned up?

maudelovesharold · Yesterday 16:05

I hope you opened the door and greeted them with “You’ll have had your lunch?” (in a Scottish accent) when they arrived!

Holidaymodeon · Yesterday 16:13

This all sounds a bit overwrought. Cba to read the full thread but freezing something and completely withdrawing it from the table seems excessive when you’ve already said 1-2 would have been acceptable, it’s one hour later, not twelve, next time just eat yours earlier and give them theirs when they arrive.

Holidaymodeon · Yesterday 16:15

‘A bit like the woman who has planned the perfect Xmas and then there are hitches.’

oh my good god.
this sounds like a crappy play.
Get into the real world pronto, you sound like a couple who live above a secondhand bookshop in the league of gentlemen.

Arbourimage · Yesterday 16:16

AlteFrau · Yesterday 15:44

I think the issue is partly with my husband who wishes to placate his relative who was a notoriously bad timekeeper even before they became a parent. Requests to come for a particular time never worked. There would be a vague resentment about being pinned down. They'd turn up significantly later or there'd be a series of messages about a change of plan.

But my husband also really really wanted a sitdown family lunch. In his wider family, this always used to be around 1 - not mid-afternoon - and there are a lot of happy memories of cross-generational meals.

I think over the last few decades there has been a shift towards everything being much more informal - microwaves make it easier to heat something up. But I think something has been lost

My husband is older and he is prediabetic. Obviously he can keep himself going with snacks. He is disappointed because he would so much like his relative - who is of a younger generation - to be better at juggling different needs.

A toddler is a priority, but it is useful to be able to think about others too, and try and balance things.

I feel a bit sad for my husband because what is happening is so different from what is in his head. A bit like the woman who has planned the perfect Xmas and then there are hitches.

Relative has just messaged to say they are on the way. It is going to be afteroon tea.

We will probably stick to more casual teas, coffee etc for the time being. As Mumsnet sometimes likes to say, 'Our house. Our rules.'

Prediabetic is really no need for him to only eat lunch at 1pm.
Your husband is being overly rigid conflating past happy memories of lunches to mean a strict start time of 1pm.

Piche · Yesterday 16:19

OP, if you wanted them there at 1.30 you needed to tell them that. If they didn’t want to be pinned down to a time they could have then communicated that. But this one is on you. You didn’t seem to set a specific time (just organised a late lunch) but are resentful because their understanding of that doesn’t match what’s in your head.

Chickpeacurrywithrice · Yesterday 16:25

AlteFrau · Yesterday 15:44

I think the issue is partly with my husband who wishes to placate his relative who was a notoriously bad timekeeper even before they became a parent. Requests to come for a particular time never worked. There would be a vague resentment about being pinned down. They'd turn up significantly later or there'd be a series of messages about a change of plan.

But my husband also really really wanted a sitdown family lunch. In his wider family, this always used to be around 1 - not mid-afternoon - and there are a lot of happy memories of cross-generational meals.

I think over the last few decades there has been a shift towards everything being much more informal - microwaves make it easier to heat something up. But I think something has been lost

My husband is older and he is prediabetic. Obviously he can keep himself going with snacks. He is disappointed because he would so much like his relative - who is of a younger generation - to be better at juggling different needs.

A toddler is a priority, but it is useful to be able to think about others too, and try and balance things.

I feel a bit sad for my husband because what is happening is so different from what is in his head. A bit like the woman who has planned the perfect Xmas and then there are hitches.

Relative has just messaged to say they are on the way. It is going to be afteroon tea.

We will probably stick to more casual teas, coffee etc for the time being. As Mumsnet sometimes likes to say, 'Our house. Our rules.'

They’re an hour later for lunch, such high drama!!

WhatNoRaisins · Yesterday 16:28

It doesn't sound like a sit down lunch will work well with this family member. Would your DH be open to something more casual like a drop in with snacks available? Is there someone else who might be a better bet for a meal at a set time?

catabhaile · Yesterday 16:29

I think if you agree on a late lunch on a Sunday but not on an actual time then 3pm sounds fine to me

RelievedNoYouTubeMum · Yesterday 16:29

Agreed this is a whole load of drama.

why does it matter that your husband is pre diabetic? You just say we’ll be sitting down to eat at x time. If they are late they either get cold or reheated food and don’t get another invite.

localnotail · Yesterday 16:31

I hate it when people say "lunch time" "tea time" "midday" - ffs, just say what time??

Kez145 · Yesterday 16:36

3pm would be a late lunch in my eyes so perhaps that’s where the confusion lies.

thestudio · Yesterday 16:37

As lots have said - your DH might just have to accept that there is never going to be a replay of his family's historic Sunday lunches.

If his sibling/relative has always been bad with and resentful of attempts to make them punctual, they probably have ADHD.

No excuse - the relative sounds like a massive PITA either way, and maybe it's not ADHD but massive selfishness (though the resentment sounds like ADHD to me, based on experience - you know you're either going to fail or the pressure will be properly stressful. Again, no excuse, just reality.)

So if he wants to have a nostalgice family meal (which i completely understand) he's going to have to factor that in. Do something which can be reheated (as it sounds like he's already done) and enjoy the fact that the pressure is off to have a picture perfect Sunday lunch. Lean into going with the flow, tell himself that being a good host is having the confidence to do so, and pat himself on the back for giving sibling what they actually will appreciate (while you fume in the background Wink)

islingtontrial · Yesterday 16:44

I don't know why, but 2.30 is standard for Sunday lunch with people I know so 3 would be completely reasonable as a late lunch.

VanquishedColston · Yesterday 16:46

So no much drama and musing over nothing.

I doubt your husband is hugely upset by this change, yes it's annoying but you all should have specified a time. "Late lunch" to me is 2 at least...1/1.30 is just lunch.

Createausername1970 · Yesterday 16:48

The problem is that your DH is trying to achieve the unachievable.

If this relative already objects to being pinned down to timings, then not even having any timings was never going to work out for DH.

I understand where he is coming from and why family traditions are important, but tradition sometimes have to evolve or die. So as you say, do something more flexible next time that doesn't involve a lot of cooking.

Goodwitchglenda · Yesterday 17:00

Holidaymodeon · Yesterday 16:15

‘A bit like the woman who has planned the perfect Xmas and then there are hitches.’

oh my good god.
this sounds like a crappy play.
Get into the real world pronto, you sound like a couple who live above a secondhand bookshop in the league of gentlemen.

It is all a bit mad, isn’t it? They sound control freaky/a bit batty. Freezing food you’ve cooked for a relative because they are an hour late is not normal behaviour.

Username19893847477374 · Yesterday 17:02

I agree with everyone else, too much drama from you. The pass agg "oh you're coming for tea" comment is just completely unnecessary. Get a grip

GoodGirlFaith · Yesterday 17:02

Roast is very easy to keep warm. Wouldn’t bother me in the slightest especially family with young children.

Swipe left for the next trending thread