Husbands female friend who won’t go away

[Cookiecrumblepie]

My DH met a woman years ago before he knew me, and they hooked up a few times. She was very keen on a relationship with him but he wasn’t keen so they ended up being friends and she married someone else.

She never really had a lot in common with my DH but they work in the same industry so they know a group of the same people. Over the years she has remained in touch with him in a low key way, always small messages, hellos etc. Nothing suggestive of anything other than friendship. But DH isn’t really interested and sometimes doesn’t respond for a long time, but it goes on and on. It has now been decades and this woman is still low key around. AIBU in thinking this is a bit odd? She still messages and tries to maintain relevance, asking about things he’s interested in, hobbies etc. Why bother? She has her own husband, children and life, my DH largely ignores her.

Your husband needs to completely ignore her.

Some people put a lot of effort into maintaining lots of relatively shallow relationships.

Yeah this is a block and forget about kind of woman. Why on earth would she still be trying to be in touch…weird

No, he needs to grow a back bone and tell her he doesn’t want to remain in contact.

I used to think well maybe she still holds a candle for him or they have a nice light touch friendship but now she has a family of her own. I can’t imagine bothering after so long, especially with kids and such a busy life. Just don’t really get it. DH is a passive person and they occasionally see each other at work things so he just tolerates it all.

I think its odd that a grown man hasn't in decades found a way to give a woman a strong message that her contact is unwelcome. So odd I'd be tempted to think he hasn't really tried and doesn't mind at all, but is happy to let you think she's the odd one, so you don't fuss about their contact.

She hasn’t been able to accept his rejection. Was he successful professionally or from a wealthy family? Is it possible that she liked the idea of him more than the reality?

Nothing suggestive of anything other than friendship.

And there's your answer. Please find something else to worry about. She probably enjoys his company. I'm not sure why you are feeling so insecure tbh. Would you be bothered if (say) this was a gay, male colleague?

Well I imagine it would if her husband had hooked up on various occasions with said male colleague.

Surely that’s up to him?

She's doing the thing of making sure she keeps a few people on the back burner just in case.

He ought to block her, she isn't respectful of the marriage. She ought to have had enough sense to back away gracefully and leave him alone

I would be doubting how much your DH engages with her to be honest. It seems highly unlikely she’s pining after him for all these years and messaging him/ seeing him at events unless the friendship is on his end too.

She might well keep in contact with other people in their industry in case she's ever looking for a new job. Networking is hugely important in many fields.

Maybe she thinks they have a "connection" because of their past history and so he'd be more willing to help her put should she ever need it.

Yes, he is very successful

No one wants an ex hanging around like bad smell!

'out' not 'put', obviously.

They are friends, she messages and he responds, why is that odd? It would be odd if she constantly messaged him and he never replied and she kept trying to keep the friendship going.

@Coconutter24 that’s the thing, he doesn’t respond for weeks, months or provides a very vague response. For example she will suggest catching up and he will say I’ll see, and then just leave it for months. Then she will start another conversation about football or something, it just feels like a never ending low key pursuit

I don’t understand why this is bothering you. She was a hook up decades ago. She and DH don’t socialise outside of the odd professional event. She keeps in low touch contact with him, saying hello and the odd hobby related message. He replies from time to time, ignoring her for long periods.

its not regular or frequent contact. It’s not personal or flirty. It’s not irrelevant or disrespectful. It’s not counter to a request from DH to leave him alone.

they obviously still acknowledge each other at these professional events. So in my mind she’s what I’d call an acquaintance. A harmless person who is on the periphery of his circle and causes him absolutely zero problems. If this were LinkedIn, she’d be being seen as a good networker.

He’s still responding though, no matter if it’s weeks, months or whatever he still responds

What’s your issue?

That's up to him. I don't see what she's doing wrong or why the OP is bothered by it.

I am just surprised it’s still going and think it’s a little odd. I don’t do this with any of my network or acquaintances, neither does anyone I know. Look maybe IABU that’s why I posted. Just struck me as odd after so long

I agree with this.They are pleasantly acquainted and she's probably just friendly.

I don't see that you've got anything to worry about.

If it’s exactly as you portray with nothing you don’t know about then it’s not your annoyance to have (in the sense that she’s not messaging you) and it’s a matter for your husband to judge in terms of whether he wants to block her etc. But as others have said it may be that he’s not as irritated by it as he might portray