Husbands female friend who won’t go away

[Cookiecrumblepie]

My DH met a woman years ago before he knew me, and they hooked up a few times. She was very keen on a relationship with him but he wasn’t keen so they ended up being friends and she married someone else.

She never really had a lot in common with my DH but they work in the same industry so they know a group of the same people. Over the years she has remained in touch with him in a low key way, always small messages, hellos etc. Nothing suggestive of anything other than friendship. But DH isn’t really interested and sometimes doesn’t respond for a long time, but it goes on and on. It has now been decades and this woman is still low key around. AIBU in thinking this is a bit odd? She still messages and tries to maintain relevance, asking about things he’s interested in, hobbies etc. Why bother? She has her own husband, children and life, my DH largely ignores her.

There’s no reason why he can’t block her on her modes of contact- SM, personal mobile etc. I’ve done this with people I continue to work with or see professionally and it’s fine. They can still contact me via my work email etc and it establishes clear boundaries. Have you asked him why he doesn’t do this?

disconnecting on social media etc would be awkward I think, she would get offended and it might affect their professional relationship

Perhaps he doesn't want to. Maybe he quite likes her.

Does your partner monitor your acquaintances? Doubt it.

Surely this??

I used to work with someone like that, she had a load of men she kept touch with/flirted/buttered up etc just in case she could use them to her advantage at some point with job opportunities.

Why doesn't he just block her or at least mute indefinitely.

I have many vague friends from previous jobs that I keep in sort of touch with. Can’t see the problem.

I have friends from years ago (a group of us that used to hang out back in the day) male and female all married with grown up kids these days, we keep in touch vaguely with Christmas cards and things, never crossed my mind that the male ones wives might object, although cards would be to both of them, nothing secret.

Yes that must be it. 🙄😆

She believes they are friends. Are you familiar with the concept?

disconnecting on social media etc would be awkward I think, she would get offended and it might affect their professional relationship
So they do have a professional relationship and you're bothered there is a one every few months contact.

Are you very possessive?

Like o said upthread, perhaps he should grow a back bone and tell her he doesn’t want to be in touch. You say it’s a pursuit but in her she is messaging a friend who is shit at replying but gets there eventually. Why can’t he just be straight with her?

I’d be inclined to agree. If if he is ‘successful’ as you said, then he’s a good personal contact for her. A bit of small talk now and again makes it possible to reach out and ask for something if needed. She’s probably not that bothered, hence her not worrying about the long time to respond/ vagueness. Maybe your husband wants to keep her ‘warm’ professionally, so just continues a bit of chit chat now and then.

my husband does this with men and women, mainly men actually. The odd ‘how’s things mate?’ Or ‘Drop me a line when you’re in London’ …. He also has an old colleague/ friend who only texts him when she’s looking for a new job (yearly it seems!) and he then sets up a few chats for her.

I had an ex who kept messaging me after our relationship had ended. He would message every 3 weeks or so, then went every 6 weeks, every few months, sometimes leaving it 6 months. It’s now been around 17 months and counting since I’ve heard from him. I have told him on numerous occasions that I’m
not interested in messaging ex’s. Anyhow, he is back with his ex and she got into his phone and saw some of the messages (he deleted some he said). She was very angry and he told her that I won’t leave him alone! So I’m just wondering if your husband is saying the same. Because us women don’t usually have time to keep badgering people we hooked up with a few times years ago..

But you (his wife) are offended by him staying in touch with someone he’s slept with (assume that’s what you mean by ‘hooked up’) multiple times who he still sees professionally. Who cares if it’s awkward? It’s awkward for you atm. You say he’s very successful so would breaking his SM connection with this woman be likely to damage his career? Doesn’t sound like it.

I think ignoring or blocking will suffice.

@Arbourimage "I would be doubting how much your DH engages with her to be honest. It seems highly unlikely she’s pining after him for all these years and messaging him/ seeing him at events unless the friendship is on his end too."

Yeah, I wondered that. They still see each other at events and things. I think the bloke likes the attention and I wonder if the OP is actually seeing all the messages.

She still contacts him because she wants to. Your frustration is aimed at the wrong person.

It sounds like you are being very controlling. They're doing nothing wrong. It's got nothing to do with you.

Of course it has!

I don’t think neither of them are doing anything wrong. My point to OP was that she keeps messaging him because he responds so why would she think he wouldn’t want to talk. Op obviously doesn’t like it but they were friends before OP came on the scene

It's such a tricky one because based on the information you've given, so many different things could be true. Anything from her cynically scheming for your DH to her just liking to keep in touch with very old friends and being accustomed to doing the running in her friendships.

Are you able to unpick exactly what it is that bothers you about this to the point you're giving it head space?

It sounds like you might feel a bit like something might not quite be adding up, and therefore wondering if your husband is witholding some (potentially perfectly innocent) information?

This may not be it at all but for what it's worth, I've seen men totally manufacture issues for themselves by acting like women friends are being needy/clingy by contacting them (because they think that's the way to keep their spouses happy) and then in person being very warm, friendly and normal towards the friend, like they would any other friend, leaving the woman with no idea she's being painted as some obsessed hanger-on behind closed doors. It's very stupid, and creates intrigue where there is none, but it's not uncommon for men to think it's an 'easier' narrative that lets them keep the friend and keep the wife happy.

Any chance of you meeting her/ socialising with her at one of these events and putting your mind at rest?

Nothing suggestive of anything other than friendship.

What's the problem, then?

I don’t know why you let it bother you really… your husband is obviously loyal to you so she doesn’t represent a threat.

Either she still holds a candle for him (unreciprocated) or they have genuinely settled into a low key friendship. You’ll probably never know her motivations.

But providing they aren’t cheating or threatening to cheat its not really your business. Sorry to sound harsh but you can’t control other people’s emotional lives and you can’t expect him to drop her if you have no grounds for suspicion.

That might be part of it @Cookiecrumblepie, he's a good industry contact for her.

Some people do make alot of effort networking, others don't. I think if he keeps doing what he's doing, responding slowly and never meeting up, it's fine.

Can you elaborate on why it bothers you, or are you just curious?

I'm not sure why it matters why she bothers if it doesn't have an impact on your life. It's up to your DH whether he is bothered or not.

Maybe she's just the kind of person who likes to chit chat with all her acquaintances.