Husbands female friend who won’t go away

[Cookiecrumblepie]

My DH met a woman years ago before he knew me, and they hooked up a few times. She was very keen on a relationship with him but he wasn’t keen so they ended up being friends and she married someone else.

She never really had a lot in common with my DH but they work in the same industry so they know a group of the same people. Over the years she has remained in touch with him in a low key way, always small messages, hellos etc. Nothing suggestive of anything other than friendship. But DH isn’t really interested and sometimes doesn’t respond for a long time, but it goes on and on. It has now been decades and this woman is still low key around. AIBU in thinking this is a bit odd? She still messages and tries to maintain relevance, asking about things he’s interested in, hobbies etc. Why bother? She has her own husband, children and life, my DH largely ignores her.

@Cookiecrumblepieshe may do it with loads of people.

That said:
Texting about work and industry related issues periodically = not weird.
Texting to suggest personal meet-ups and other tangential stuff = possibly quite weird.

Have you met her? If your husband told you all of that back story about her "really wanting a relationship with him" and he that he finds her irritiating, I have no idea why he's not just blocking her.

She holds feelings for him in a daydreaming way ... he needs to completely ignore.

Ohhh dear - just leave it alone, it could be any number of reasons - I went through a very difficult time years ago and a lot of male friends (and female friends) were there for me and to this day every so often they message me -just to say hi and see how I am and I like to keep in touch with them !!

Edit: Wrong thread - sorry

There is something bigger going on, on her side of things. If it is how you describe it, I don’t think there is anything to worry about on your DH side. Gosh woman like this really never fail to surprise me. Why on earth would you ever want to be that kind of woman? Very strange. Your husband should just block.

This.Just because she has a family of her own and is married doesn’t mean she’s not interested! I think either a) she’s still living in hope and doesn’t want to completely sever the connection or b) having an interest or friendship with another man albeit non existent,keeps her own marriage alive.

I think you’re right!

Yes block her or tell him to change his number? Or tell her yourself?

I’m still friends with several people I hooked up with before I was with my DH and vice versa. Unless you think she’s still after him (which considering she’s since married someone else suggests she probably isn’t) I don’t see the problem.

Could it be that she wants to do business with him and / or network for future job opportunities?

It could be completely innocent and your reading too much into it. My friends husband kept up a friendship with a female friend he had known since primary into his 30's when my frienc got married to him

My friend hated how close their friendship was after all these years caused friction as he wouldnt stop seeing or chatting online. It was not as if it was every day.

I think people are reading a bit too much into this, to be honest. They've known each other for decades, work in the same industry and exchange the odd message. That doesn't necessarily mean she's still carrying a torch for him.
Also, replying with "I'll see" isn't exactly telling someone you don't want to keep in touch. She might genuinely think they're still friends, even if they're not particularly close.
Out of interest, has your husband actually said he finds her messages annoying, or is that more your impression because he takes ages to reply?

If he doesn’t want her to message his personal phone he should simply tell her to stick to work emails.

But if he doesn’t care, neither should you?

Why bother? She has her own husband

You don't just drop everyone you know once you have your own husband. Neither of them are doing any harm. Leave it be.

She's after him, believe me, and she's sitting there like a Sydney Funnel Web waiting to pounce. Are you absolutely sure they aren't still shagging, because it's very easy with a former lover. Unless you're doing 24/7 surveillance on him, he could be doing anything. Men can be extremely deceptive, even when you think he's absolutely honest with you. I've seen it happen too often. Be cynical.

This.

Haven’t read the whole thread but not sure why it matters. It’s an occasional message. Quite normal to be in touch now and then with old friends. Personally wouldn’t give it a second thought; strange that you do so assume jealousy or insecurity.

Its not that deep. She isnt coveting your husband. She is staying in tiuch with an acquaintance. If your husband doesn't want to communicate with her he can tell her or block her.

In that case and given the context, it doesn’t much matter why she does it. She may just be someone who keeps in touch with lots of people, she may hold a small candle for him, she may not have many friends and still consider him to be one of them. He or you could ask her about her motives, I suppose, if you really want to know. I’m not sure you’ll really get to the bottom of it.

If he doesn’t want to hear from her because he feels something is off (though it sounds very inoffensive), it would be kinder of him to tell her. How he would frame that, though, without direct evidence that she had feelings for him and without making a possibly incorrect assumption that she does that could be awkward professionally, I’m not sure.

Overall, as she hasn’t done anything wrong or inappropriate and nor has your husband, then there are no grounds for you to insist your husband puts a boundary in place. It’s really up to him and sounds of little relevance to your relationship.

It’s called career networking. Maintaining light contact with loads of people in your industry / profession.

What is wrong with the occasional message? I have a male friend like this. He's extremely attractive but we never dated in college, we were just really close mates. Then years later we saw each other at a random event, admitted we had both fancied each other back then, and then absolutely nothing happened, we continued being friends. Neither of us was remotely bothered about the fact we'd liked each other.

We're now both in serious relationships and we text maybe once a year. I'm not bothered if I don't hear from him, and vice versa.

@Cookiecrumblepie This is the inherent risk in selecting a man that other women are interested in.

Before starting your relationship with your husband, you knew that other women were interested in him.

Reminds me of my uni roommate. OW was obsessed with my roommate who was good looking and successful. He had a partner. OW was practically stalking him and was causing problems in his relationship. He wasn’t interested and told her. OW was persistent. Eventually she got the gist he wasn’t interested and he married and got kids. She also married and had kids. She kept on with this friendship even when he was making no effort. 2 decades later he divorced and she divorced and she was still hell bent on seducing him and they got together.

Some people maintain contact with literally anyone they've ever known, or they seem to. I've known two such people, both lovely, but I never could get my head around it. I call them people collectors.

Both very intelligent females, who, to put it in a somewhat simplistic way, differ in terms of being "hard" and "soft". One could appear to others as somewhat mercenary, but she's really just practical and will ask what others might not, if it make sense. She fully accepts a "no", and her "collection" is a mix of male/female. The other has been taken advantage of many times over the years and has had to learn the hard way to say "no". Neither are femme fatale types, or have amazing figures/looks, but they show interest in others and they can hold a decent conversation. Both are very into music and fairly knowledgeable about it. One would and has had affairs with married men, the other wouldn't dream of it.

I've always wondered how they manage it, but don't think I'll ever know.

This seems like a total non-issue to me.