Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husbands female friend who won’t go away

111 replies

Cookiecrumblepie · Yesterday 12:59

My DH met a woman years ago before he knew me, and they hooked up a few times. She was very keen on a relationship with him but he wasn’t keen so they ended up being friends and she married someone else.

She never really had a lot in common with my DH but they work in the same industry so they know a group of the same people. Over the years she has remained in touch with him in a low key way, always small messages, hellos etc. Nothing suggestive of anything other than friendship. But DH isn’t really interested and sometimes doesn’t respond for a long time, but it goes on and on. It has now been decades and this woman is still low key around. AIBU in thinking this is a bit odd? She still messages and tries to maintain relevance, asking about things he’s interested in, hobbies etc. Why bother? She has her own husband, children and life, my DH largely ignores her.

OP posts:
WiseAdviceNeededPlease · Yesterday 18:49

If they had never had an intimate relationship of any kind it would be easier because then she would just be an old (platonic) friend but it does make a difference to OP that at one time the husband was attracted enough to her to actually sleep with her and also that she wanted more. I can understand why it's unsettling for her to be checking in regularly. It sounds like her approach is respectful so she's not doing anything wrong and hubby is not doing anything wrong either but still it's uncomfortable!

CherryBlossom321 · Today 00:16

Allseeingallknowing · Yesterday 13:28

No one wants an ex hanging around like bad smell!

Show quote history

And if he doesn’t like it, he’s at liberty to stop it.

RudePhthaloDalmadoodle · Today 02:01

Do they still work in the same field? It's natural that she'd want to keep him as a contact and check in with him occasionally, especially if he's even slightly more experienced, more successful, better connected, etc. than her. Those types of connections are usually pretty tepid and sporadic so she probably doesn't even notice if he seems passive; she may just be more proactive than he is.

Finallyseenthelights · Today 06:49

5128gap · Yesterday 13:16

I think its odd that a grown man hasn't in decades found a way to give a woman a strong message that her contact is unwelcome. So odd I'd be tempted to think he hasn't really tried and doesn't mind at all, but is happy to let you think she's the odd one, so you don't fuss about their contact.

What was thinking. Also, why didn’t he want a relationship with her? Was he stringing her along for easy sex knowing she wanted more?

HeyThereDelila · Today 07:08

DH needs to ignore her and block if it’s bothering you both.

Lookingforwardtospringnextyear · Today 11:16

If OP isn't happy with this situation i would assume it's because she has some sort of intuition that something is not all above board.
Her H is maintaing a relationship with a woman who he has, presumably face to face contact with at work and possibly socially if they have mutual friends. This isn't just an old friend : it's someone she knows he had a sexual relationship with.
I would assume OP is only getting a version of the dynamics of the relationship between her H and this woman. She has no idea of the truth of it, apart from the fact her H has been happy to continue contact for many years . I think OP has every reason to be unhappy about this

BillieWiper · Today 11:22

I don't think it's necessarily that weird that she wants to try and stay friends. It's not like she's begging to meet up. Just making occasional friendly chit chat. If he isn't that fussed then fine to just leave it for ages or not even reply.

You say they don't have much I common but maybe they did have fun hanging out together. That doesn't have to mean anything more.

I certainly wouldn't feel threatened by her very peripheral presence. Your H is not interested and he's very open about her to you.

poetryandwine · Today 11:40

WiseAdviceNeededPlease · Yesterday 18:49

If they had never had an intimate relationship of any kind it would be easier because then she would just be an old (platonic) friend but it does make a difference to OP that at one time the husband was attracted enough to her to actually sleep with her and also that she wanted more. I can understand why it's unsettling for her to be checking in regularly. It sounds like her approach is respectful so she's not doing anything wrong and hubby is not doing anything wrong either but still it's uncomfortable!

This. But I agree that the most likely explanation is that the woman is just networking.

Stormyrose · Today 11:42

Does it matter, it’s low key, he’s not interested he’s managing it fine, leave him to it, you don’t need to get involved,

Allseeingallknowing · Today 12:02

I wouldn’t be happy, knowing this woman is waiting in the wings…

Lhori · Today 12:16

She occasionally messages him and he responds to her. They see each other at the odd work event. He isn't bothered by it or interested in her, so blocking her would be rather overdramatic and flouncy.

JustMarriedBecca · Today 12:23

Gazelda · Yesterday 13:46

I don’t understand why this is bothering you. She was a hook up decades ago. She and DH don’t socialise outside of the odd professional event. She keeps in low touch contact with him, saying hello and the odd hobby related message. He replies from time to time, ignoring her for long periods.

its not regular or frequent contact. It’s not personal or flirty. It’s not irrelevant or disrespectful. It’s not counter to a request from DH to leave him alone.

they obviously still acknowledge each other at these professional events. So in my mind she’s what I’d call an acquaintance. A harmless person who is on the periphery of his circle and causes him absolutely zero problems. If this were LinkedIn, she’d be being seen as a good networker.

I was just going to say this sounds like the low key networking we are encouraged to do at work 😂
Usually once a quarter just to remind contacts we're around.
If they work in the same field, imagine it's work related.

Winederlust · Today 13:51

5128gap · Yesterday 13:16

I think its odd that a grown man hasn't in decades found a way to give a woman a strong message that her contact is unwelcome. So odd I'd be tempted to think he hasn't really tried and doesn't mind at all, but is happy to let you think she's the odd one, so you don't fuss about their contact.

That's one hell of a stretch.
Most men are very much path of least resistance and just put up or go along with things as it's easier than causing a scene.
So not odd at all really on his part.

Fasttrack2026 · Today 13:53

ExpressCheckout · Yesterday 13:16

Nothing suggestive of anything other than friendship.

And there's your answer. Please find something else to worry about. She probably enjoys his company. I'm not sure why you are feeling so insecure tbh. Would you be bothered if (say) this was a gay, male colleague?

Agree. Nothing wrong with staying in touch with people. I wish I was better at it!

Fidgety31 · Today 13:55

You sound very controlling
it’s not your decision on who your husband is friends with

Greenmouldycheese · Today 14:00

It just sounds like a light friendship amd you are reading too much into it. She has a family of her own and is probably friendly with lots of people, men and women. Being friendly does not mean she wants your husband.

arnolds · Today 14:00

Winederlust · Today 13:51

That's one hell of a stretch.
Most men are very much path of least resistance and just put up or go along with things as it's easier than causing a scene.
So not odd at all really on his part.

Show quote history

It might not be odd but it’s a bit pathetic.

Createausername1970 · Today 14:02

I think it's not too unreasonable. They knew each other a long time ago and occasionally still meet through industry events.

Some people - mainly but not exclusively women - do keep relationships ticking along, even very tenuous ones.

Maybe she thinks your DH might be a good industry contact, and likes to keep him on the back burner.

But as long as you are happy that there is no emotional interest from DH, then don't worry about it.

RVectensian · Today 14:03

Gazelda · Yesterday 13:46

I don’t understand why this is bothering you. She was a hook up decades ago. She and DH don’t socialise outside of the odd professional event. She keeps in low touch contact with him, saying hello and the odd hobby related message. He replies from time to time, ignoring her for long periods.

its not regular or frequent contact. It’s not personal or flirty. It’s not irrelevant or disrespectful. It’s not counter to a request from DH to leave him alone.

they obviously still acknowledge each other at these professional events. So in my mind she’s what I’d call an acquaintance. A harmless person who is on the periphery of his circle and causes him absolutely zero problems. If this were LinkedIn, she’d be being seen as a good networker.

Agreed. Why is this even on your radar?

5128gap · Today 14:08

Winederlust · Today 13:51

That's one hell of a stretch.
Most men are very much path of least resistance and just put up or go along with things as it's easier than causing a scene.
So not odd at all really on his part.

Show quote history

I think its a lot less of a stretch than to imagine this woman is an obsessive loon who has been pursuing the OPs husband for years through the medium of the odd message about football and he's powerless to deter her.
Sounds to me like a woman who likes to low key stay in touch, and a man who doesn't mind but pretends he's less receptive than he is because OP doesn't like it. Because that is the path of least resistance. Keep both women happy.

GrapeBaby · Today 14:14

Cookiecrumblepie · Yesterday 13:41

@Coconutter24 that’s the thing, he doesn’t respond for weeks, months or provides a very vague response. For example she will suggest catching up and he will say I’ll see, and then just leave it for months. Then she will start another conversation about football or something, it just feels like a never ending low key pursuit

It doesn’t sound remotely like a ‘pursuit’. It sounds like the kind of very lowkey on-and-off text contact people often have with acquaintances or exes they’ve stayed on amiable but distant terms with years on.

Bananacrepewithnuts · Today 14:45

Chersfrozenface · Yesterday 13:26

She might well keep in contact with other people in their industry in case she's ever looking for a new job. Networking is hugely important in many fields.

Maybe she thinks they have a "connection" because of their past history and so he'd be more willing to help her put should she ever need it.

I would agree with this.

Nearly50omg · Today 15:05

He likes the attention. It is an ego boost. He doesn’t give a shit about you or your feelings clearly

MrsRupert · Today 15:26

Cookiecrumblepie · Yesterday 13:41

@Coconutter24 that’s the thing, he doesn’t respond for weeks, months or provides a very vague response. For example she will suggest catching up and he will say I’ll see, and then just leave it for months. Then she will start another conversation about football or something, it just feels like a never ending low key pursuit

By replying to her suggestion of catching up with a 'l'll see' isn't shutting her down its keeping her dangling.
If your DH doesn't want to keep in touch with her as he claims then he needs to shut it down and block.

Stormyrose · Today 17:06

MrsRupert · Today 15:26

By replying to her suggestion of catching up with a 'l'll see' isn't shutting her down its keeping her dangling.
If your DH doesn't want to keep in touch with her as he claims then he needs to shut it down and block.

Show quote history

They have a proffesional relationship. Not everything needs to be scorched earth