Getting fed up with creepy comments

[Dixie81]

I try to get out for walk or run every morning. It’s a rural area so people tend to stop to chat if they meet me and most of them are very nice but there are a few who make me feel really awkward with their comments. They’re all older men. Two of them live along the route I have to take to go anywhere so can’t be avoided completely. I’m not good at smalltalk anyway but I haven’t got a clue what to say in situations like this.

It started with comments about my legs because I was wearing shorts in the summer. Nothing nasty, just things like ‘You’ve a great pair of legs on you’. Then when I was wearing jeans it was ‘Nice ass’. Then silly things like ‘It’s getting colder, let me know if you need someone to keep you warm at night’. I just laughed this off. There’s one man who now seems to always be outside as I go past and he insists on stopping to chat, often holding me up for ages. A while back he was talking about how he was having trouble sleeping and asked if I did too. I said no, I’m lucky that I sleep well. Then he said ‘I bet you could help me sleep better too’ while grabbing the buckle of his belt and pulling it upwards. It’s hard to describe properly but it really felt like some sort of sexual gesture. Another day he was talking about how he had a lot of work to do and he wished he had my energy. I said something about how I had plenty of work to do too but he kept rambling on and said ‘All this energy you have during the day, what about at night? Does it last all night too, ha ha?’ while smirking at me. I couldn’t make any sense of this until long after the conversation had ended so didn’t know how to respond in the moment.

I know none of these are overtly sexual comments but they’re enough to make things uncomfortable and I don’t know what to say to them. It seems like no matter what the conversation is about or what I say, they will turn it into something weird like this. All the creepy men were hard enough to deal with when I was a teenager but I genuinely thought it would stop as I got older. I’m definitely older now but I’m starting to think it never stops. The creeps just get older. I’m really fed up with it. Is this just something us women have to learn to deal with? Any advice about what to say/do in these situations would be helpful.

In which case, were you just commenting to say that is not something you have experienced? Because i think it came across as a little bit disbelieving.
Possibly many of us haven't found ourselves caught up in this specific scenario, but certainly for me it doesn't sound far-fetched. We all know men can be creeps, and we all know that there are more creeps than we know- all those "great family" men that participate in the drugging of thier wives scandals for example and so on.
If you have not found your self in this specific scenario then i would say that I'm glad to hear that for you. I don't think looks have anything to do with it either, men can be arses to any woman, and being outside what is considered conventionally attractive is no protection.

Comments are obviously unreasonable, so why on earth are you stopping to talk to him? If he's making overtly sexual comments and you are still stopping to talk to him every time you see him, he's likely assuming they are okay or you "like it".

@hewasflirtingwithbeverleymacca I'm fuming on your behalf.

Stop talking to them, just cross the road and avoid. They’re very overtly sexual comments and inappropriate… I wouldn’t have laughed at any of them and now he thinks you like the comments.

Do you have social disabilities OP that makes boundaries and knowing what’s appropriate more difficult?

Not creepy but we have a marathon in our area. I get comments like “oh it was last week” “oh you’ll be first starting now” coupled with great disappointment when I don’t find them hilarious. Like why do people need to comment at all?

OP that’s awful that your mum told you growing up, to be a people pleaser, especially with men, and that they can do whatever they like. How old is your mum? Is she from a generation that tolerated this and where women had no rights? I’m not surprised you find it difficult to assert yourself with these creeps. Keep working on your assertiveness. I was a people pleaser for years and was brought up to be polite. I still have difficulty at times being assertive myself (old habits die hard), but I would at least give them a repulsed look and jog on. And show them that I am not easily approachable. Good luck
OP, you deserve you live your life without creeps like this ruining your day.

Both men actually come out of their respective houses when they seeing you passing @Dixie81 ?

I think this explains your under reaction very well. I also appreciate that if you live in a small community where they have influence it is harder now that you have established your routine of stopping to chat. You would be quite within your rights to challenge them directly and/or just blank them but if you would find this too challenging then I think tapping your Fitbit and saying you are timing your runs is a good start. Then just slow fade out to a wave then a nod in their direction. Your priority needs to be protecting yourself from this unacceptable behaviour. You don't owe them a thing. Nothing wrong also with sharing your story with other women friends for support if you want to. I'd bet my bottom dollar they are well known in the locality for being total creeps. It's infuriating how these men get away with it. Good luck, @Dixie81

Jeeez. Victim blaming much from some of the posters!

OP I get exactly this in my rural place. What took me literally decades to realise is that (old) men cannot imagine a woman being friendly who then isn't (sexually) interested in them. Women are friendly to me to be friendly. Some/many men are friendly tom women because they want something. Be that sexual attention, sexual banter, an ego boost.

I had my own pervert and luckily I moved house so I don't have to cross his path anymore. Still local but not that close I need to pass him often. He commented on my legs etc and I tried to minimise it and be polite. Then one day he came right out and told me he fancied me. Which was completely inappropriate because we're both married and know each others partner. He's old enough to be my dad. I had only been polite and nothing else.

I'm now a lot more cautious of 'just being friendly' especially to older men. Knowing this has helped me understand why men get the wrong impression when I think I'm just being friendly. This isn't the perfect source but I'm in a bit of a hurry so haven't got time to look properly. But Google it and you'll find plenty. It's not you, it's men misinterpreting politeness for sexual interest because they can't imagine being friends with a woman they aren't attracted to.

journals.sagepub.com/doi/abs/10.1177/0265407512443611

I don’t disagree that these guys are creepy but I also don’t understand why you keep speaking to them. I’m going to be honest.

They’re clearly either wanting to sleep with you or wanting to make you feel uncomfortable. You know that by now. So why keep conversing with them for ages hoping for a different outcome?

they probably feel like they have a chance with you, whereas I’d be wanting to avoid any further discussion with them to shut that shit down

You don't need to go along with this OP, and you don't need to stop and chat because they are there. Wave, smile and keep going. Say you've got a personal best to achieve or something. Defeats the purpose of a run if if you have to keep stopping and they are being inappropriate at best.

I would be quite specific and direct. As soon as they speak, I would say something like, " Right Sid, I am not going to be stopping to chat with you any more because you can't stop yourself from making creepy sleazy comments. It's completely unacceptable and revolting." Don't wait for a reply but walk away.
They may pretend to act all surprised, but it will put a stop to it without you having to tell people in a small village to 'fuck off'. Then you can wear the headphones if you wish. Also tell other women about them, not especially their wives, but just let it be known how they behave. That should put a stop to any rumours about you being 'unfriendly'.

Why are you being so polite? Tell him to fuck off and stop being such a lech.

I'd help him sleep all right, he'd be unconscious in the hospital. Fucking pervert.

Id put my headphones on and carry on with my run straight past them. If you don't interact then they can't give the awful overtly sexual comments

In addition it doesn't matter if they weren't overtly sexual, they are unwanted on your part so are considered harrassment.

"Nice ass."

"I bet you could help me sleep better too" while grabbing the buckle of his belt and pulling it upwards.

"Does it last all night too, ha ha?"

Yeah, good news that they haven't made any overtly sexual comments... 😕