Getting fed up with creepy comments

[Dixie81]

I try to get out for walk or run every morning. It’s a rural area so people tend to stop to chat if they meet me and most of them are very nice but there are a few who make me feel really awkward with their comments. They’re all older men. Two of them live along the route I have to take to go anywhere so can’t be avoided completely. I’m not good at smalltalk anyway but I haven’t got a clue what to say in situations like this.

It started with comments about my legs because I was wearing shorts in the summer. Nothing nasty, just things like ‘You’ve a great pair of legs on you’. Then when I was wearing jeans it was ‘Nice ass’. Then silly things like ‘It’s getting colder, let me know if you need someone to keep you warm at night’. I just laughed this off. There’s one man who now seems to always be outside as I go past and he insists on stopping to chat, often holding me up for ages. A while back he was talking about how he was having trouble sleeping and asked if I did too. I said no, I’m lucky that I sleep well. Then he said ‘I bet you could help me sleep better too’ while grabbing the buckle of his belt and pulling it upwards. It’s hard to describe properly but it really felt like some sort of sexual gesture. Another day he was talking about how he had a lot of work to do and he wished he had my energy. I said something about how I had plenty of work to do too but he kept rambling on and said ‘All this energy you have during the day, what about at night? Does it last all night too, ha ha?’ while smirking at me. I couldn’t make any sense of this until long after the conversation had ended so didn’t know how to respond in the moment.

I know none of these are overtly sexual comments but they’re enough to make things uncomfortable and I don’t know what to say to them. It seems like no matter what the conversation is about or what I say, they will turn it into something weird like this. All the creepy men were hard enough to deal with when I was a teenager but I genuinely thought it would stop as I got older. I’m definitely older now but I’m starting to think it never stops. The creeps just get older. I’m really fed up with it. Is this just something us women have to learn to deal with? Any advice about what to say/do in these situations would be helpful.

Meant to say so sorry you’re experiencing this

You are being FAR too polite.

Would they say anything like this to men? Would women say them to men? No. No they would not.
Headphones on. Ignore. Be rude. They are rude. Otherwise change route completely. Bastards!

Just wave and say 'hi' as you run past, then act like you're deaf if they continue to say anything else... like me...

Those comments are rude, offensive and the kind of 'banter' that is designed to put women in their box as sexual objects. Therefore you have every right to be visibly offended - 'I beg your pardon?' or 'what did you just say to me?' sounding like you can't quite believe what you heard. Put those men on the back foot so it's them worrying what you might say about them. 'Pillars' of village communities can change their tune quite quickly if their reputation is threatened.

I'd add a fuck off personally but I don't give much thought to whether random men think I'm rude or not.

Agree 100%

You dislike small talk , especially the kind they use , so don't stop to listen to what they say or feel the need to answer . Just say 'Morning' as you run past .

My heart goes out to you reading this. Please know it’s not you being crap at judging intentions and neither do you “need to work on your people skills”. My DS blames himself as well for autistic traits that he has no control over and which would not be a problem if others in society weren’t doing the wrong things. In this case you are doing nothing wrong by not blanking them or assuming they are being nasty, but you become vulnerable because they are doing something wrong. It’s the environment - in this case a village seemingly filled with shameless creepy men - and not you that’s ‘wrong’. You need support and strategies to cope with your vulnerability in that environment but not because you’re crap at anything or need to somehow force your mind to work in a different way than it does.

If you've genuinely lived your whole life without ever hearing comments like this you've been extremely fortunate. It's sadly very very common and makes us feel unsafe. It's happened to me, and to a friend, while out running, just minding our own business in the middle of the day, and it makes you worried for your safety and that you have to adjust your own behaviour to protect yourself. That's just the tip of the iceberg. Not all men but always men.

I didn't say that I have lived my whole life without such comments. I just don't get them on a regular basis. I run too - 10k three or four times a week.
Maybe men see me as not worth bothering with. Thats highly likely.

I once took my baby daughter for a walk in some woods attached to a local park - popular place, wide paths. I was changing her nappy at the side of the path - no one else around - when a man approached and asked me out on a date. So inappropriate and I felt so vulnerable for me and my baby in that moment. Made excuses and got out of there asap, I've still never been back to those woods

Fair enough, must have misread your comment. Whatever the reason is, I'm really glad you can exercise undisturbed (as we all should be able to!)

I wouldn't worry about them telling people that you're rude. I'm fairly sure that other people will recognise that they are creeps.

Don't feel bad. You realised enough to check here. Try and take heart from this that you are recognising it, you just don't have the confidence in yourself YET. Next time you wonder or just wish you hadn't had to have a conversation, you could try checking sooner.

The reality is, this is about men who are entitled arseholes and it's unfair that women have to develop a creep antenna at all.

You don’t have to explain yourself; the fault lies with them, not you. And your upbringing is going to have complicated things even more. The damage our parents can do to our thinking can last a lifetime sometimes, so you’ve done really well to realise it’s not acceptable, even if you did need a bit of encouragement! 🙂

I really thought I had got better at judging these kind of things. I clearly haven’t because I couldn’t tell for sure until I posted here about it If ever you’re not sure, ask yourself two questions. 1) Would they say it if their wife/children/boss/vicar was standing next to them? and 2) Do you welcome the comment? If the answer is no, then it’s unacceptable and you don’t have to put up with it. Keep Gisele Pelicot’s words in your head; ‘The shame isn't ours to feel, it's theirs,'.

So if you know from personal experience that it does happen, even if not to you very often, why would you ask if it was rage bait? Do you not understand that makes it sound like you’re calling her a liar?

Why can’t some men just leave women alone? Is it worth investing in a GoPro type camera and putting the encounters online on a local community fb page. That way everyone knows exactly what these so called ‘fine, upstanding’ members of the community are really like.

Why are you stopping to talk to perverts while you are on your run????? Just wear headphones and sunglasses and run right past them!

I was in Sainsbury’s only a few days ago with my sister. We were both stood looking at some items in the refrigerator section. There was a scruffy elderly chap standing next to us and he was talking to his wife. He then turned to me, poked me in the arm and said “it’s your fault”. I know it was his attempt at a joke but it really wound me up. I really wanted to say who the fuck are you poking but I just glared at him and said “is it?” I didn’t crack my face. I think he could tell I was pissed if with him. I know that’s nothing sexual but it just really wound me up. He certainly wouldn’t have done that to a man he didn’t know.

Pillocks of the community more like!

In the mind of these sort of men, your outwardly polite tolerance of their (frankly) sexually suggestive behaviour is a 'green light'; they imagine they are making progress and developing a relationship of some sort. They are now 'in with a chance'. Do not engage. Considering the small community dynamic, a non-committal nod (at most) as you run by (headphones suggested) will give the message that you are uninterested, busy, and have other concerns - while not being obviously hostile to these regrettable neighbours.

Wear headphones and don’t stop to chat. Just keep on going.

Grim.

But why can’t you just wave and jog on? Why do you have to stop at all?