Getting fed up with creepy comments

[Dixie81]

I try to get out for walk or run every morning. It’s a rural area so people tend to stop to chat if they meet me and most of them are very nice but there are a few who make me feel really awkward with their comments. They’re all older men. Two of them live along the route I have to take to go anywhere so can’t be avoided completely. I’m not good at smalltalk anyway but I haven’t got a clue what to say in situations like this.

It started with comments about my legs because I was wearing shorts in the summer. Nothing nasty, just things like ‘You’ve a great pair of legs on you’. Then when I was wearing jeans it was ‘Nice ass’. Then silly things like ‘It’s getting colder, let me know if you need someone to keep you warm at night’. I just laughed this off. There’s one man who now seems to always be outside as I go past and he insists on stopping to chat, often holding me up for ages. A while back he was talking about how he was having trouble sleeping and asked if I did too. I said no, I’m lucky that I sleep well. Then he said ‘I bet you could help me sleep better too’ while grabbing the buckle of his belt and pulling it upwards. It’s hard to describe properly but it really felt like some sort of sexual gesture. Another day he was talking about how he had a lot of work to do and he wished he had my energy. I said something about how I had plenty of work to do too but he kept rambling on and said ‘All this energy you have during the day, what about at night? Does it last all night too, ha ha?’ while smirking at me. I couldn’t make any sense of this until long after the conversation had ended so didn’t know how to respond in the moment.

I know none of these are overtly sexual comments but they’re enough to make things uncomfortable and I don’t know what to say to them. It seems like no matter what the conversation is about or what I say, they will turn it into something weird like this. All the creepy men were hard enough to deal with when I was a teenager but I genuinely thought it would stop as I got older. I’m definitely older now but I’m starting to think it never stops. The creeps just get older. I’m really fed up with it. Is this just something us women have to learn to deal with? Any advice about what to say/do in these situations would be helpful.

Fuck off you Perv, should do the trick.

Then blank, and ignore them and tell your Friends/Family what the dirty Pervs have been saying to you.

You do not need to be polite/nice to people like this.

Get a go pro on a chest harness and have it on while you stop and talk to these pervs then send it to the vicar

You have the patience of a saint. That sounds overtly sexual to me. Tell him you are not public property and to take his attention elsewhere.

These comments are sexual harassment but handily you know who they are and where they live. I'd get a body worn camera, they're quite cheap now I believe, and film and report every one of them to the police. Don't stop to chat to any of them any more once you have footage of it, just run past without acknowledging. If the police are crap, take the footage to the vicar and the men's wives.

This! Of course they're overtly sexual. I'd just say in a rush gotta go or that's inappropriate and I'm not interested.

If they persist report them.

You really dont need to tolerate this bullshit behaviour

It sounds a bit like you struggle to be assertive, so if you’re not comfortable with kicking up an almighty great stink, I’d do the following;

Take your phone with you and have it in your hand. Press record before you get to whichever disgusting specimen you’re dealing with that morning and the first time he says anything he wouldn’t say to his mum, hold the phone up, tell him you’ve recorded him and would he like to call his wife outside so you can share it with her? Then before he has a chance to say a word, tell him that if he ever speaks to you again, if he ever says a word against you, if he ever even looks sideways at you again, then you will take the recording to the police and ask that he be investigated for sexual harassment, before making copies and sending it to every member of the community you can think of, so he can explain to them why he thinks it’s acceptable for a disgusting old man to make sexual comments to a lone woman half his age. Then wish him a lovely morning and carry on with your jog.

Please don’t laugh it off when a man says something inappropriate to you. Don’t doubt yourself. You know when something makes you feel uncomfortable. You don’t have to give anyone the benefit of the doubt, irrespective of their age or their role in the community. Put your comfort before their discomfort.

They are overtly sexual, predatory and extremely inappropriate.

Just do NOT stop to chat. They can "insist" all they like but unless they are physically restraining you (in which case call the police) you can keep running and not engage.

It's escalating because your social conditioning has let them keep at it. A short "sod off" at the beginning would have put an end to it.

I'm not blaming you - we're raised to be the consiliatory "nice" ones and it's hard to push back in a small community.

They are horrible perverts and you don't need to be nice to them.

Sorry if this has already been suggested (and I would only do this once and then ignore completely) but have you tried the “sorry, what was that?” And then they repeat and you keep saying “sorry I don’t understand you, what was that?” And keep getting them to repeat themselves until you say something like “nope, sorry still don’t understand” and then walk/run off. This tactic is especially effective if in front of others but can also work with no audience. Then ignore every time you see them 🤣

TReat yourself to some Meta glasses and record teh bastards!

It is very 1960s behaviour (I know as I just read my mums diaries!). Men who can't control themselves because shock horror a woman got her legs out. Most happy to cheat on their wives for a grope. I retract my earlier comment and do think oh fuck off you pervy twat is likely to get them to weasel off in shame.

Can you just wave and not stop to talk?

Unfortunately they may have been encouraged by the fact that you seemed to be okay with their creepy comments so you may need to be firmer than feels comfortable. You could initially try nodding curtly when you see them and walking on before they have a chance to speak to you. Perhaps they will be offended, but that's hard luck.

I try, but they always start off with something normal or that seems helpful. Or things that I can’t ignore. When I tried waving and walking on, one guy came over and started talking about how some work was being done further down the road with diggers etc as if he was letting me know to be careful. Or talking about livestock being out on the road and asking where they are. It’s hard to describe but they seem to find ways of making sure I’ll have to respond. One started a conversation by asking about another neighbour who has cancer, so it would have looked really rude to ignore them.

I think the headphones are a good idea. Big obvious ones. Then I won’t look rude ignoring them. I also might pretend I’m starting to time my runs so can’t stop. Maybe I’ll get a Fitbit or something and point to that while running on. I also think I need to stop worrying so much about offending these people. I can see by the responses here that the comments these men have made to me are definitely unacceptable.

I think they are doing it deliberately because they know it makes you uncomfortable & they get a kick out of it.
Be polite but firm & stop engaging.

If they don’t get the message I’d consider reporting to the police for harassment.

The next time a man makes an inappropriate remark just say Urgh you creepy old perv, bugger off!

Not a slight on you @Dixie81 but just wondering how you didn't think these guys were being overtly sexual before you read the comments on here?

The comments you've cited absolutely are sexual, and completely unacceptable. Most of these men would NOT be saying them to a strange adult male walking or running past. Most of them probably would never act on any of this and would run screaming if a live woman took them up on their offers; they do it to feel a sense of power they probably don't feel in any other area of life. But that is not your problem. Women's time and attention isn't a free resource and you'd be well within your rights to decline to engage even with someone who hadn't already harassed you. You're out there for a walk or run not to socialise with randoms, and your time is limited and valuable too.

In these circumstances, if you don't feel comfortable confronting them and tellign them to stop, I'd completely blank any known offenders, and maybe any strange man. You may get some predictable pushback about how neighbours acknowledge each other and chat and it builds a sense of community and so on. You may feel rude, or even be TOLD that you're rude. But remember that it's these guys who are making normal polite civic interaction impossible (or at least difficult, unpleasant, costly, and possibly even threatening), NOT you. Any decent man, knowing you'd already been sexually harassed by five out of five men you encountered on your daily run, would understand that your comfort and safety is more important to you than the validation he'd get from your stopping to chat.

@Dixie81 you can be rude to men who are sexually harassing you. Even if they ask a question about a neighbour with cancer. Don’t engage with them at all.

How many men are doing this and how regularly?
The headphones does seem a good idea but so do the words 'fuck off'.

Then you’re really lucky or totally oblivious to what's happening around you

Just think like a man….

for example these men don’t care they are rude and make you uncomfortable so why are you so worried about walking by and being thought of as rude?

all the time you engage it will continue.

You need to empower yourself to not give a shit about these perverts feelings.

who cares if they tell people you are rude , if they are like this I’m pretty sure everyone sees through them and if anyone asks you can tell them why you walk on past.

I thought overtly sexual meant something really obvious like ‘Let me feel your boobs’. When I was younger the comments from men were much more obvious like that so I find it hard to tell where the line is. Also, like I said I’m crap at smalltalk and half the time hadn’t even processed what was said until after, which meant I just stood there like an idiot at the time.

I have encountered these comments previously but never on a regular basis. I might be just ugly though.
Having worked as a 999 call handler and on the reception of a very busy city centre police station, I generally have never been oblivious to anything. Thanks for patronising me though.

These men are creepy pervs. You do not owe them your words, so just stop speaking to them. Don’t wave or acknowledge them. Give them your RBF and don’t feel bad about it. They aren’t just being friendly, they are being creepy shits.

Find your anger and use it towards these horrible men.

Tell their wives