Getting fed up with creepy comments

[Dixie81]

I try to get out for walk or run every morning. It’s a rural area so people tend to stop to chat if they meet me and most of them are very nice but there are a few who make me feel really awkward with their comments. They’re all older men. Two of them live along the route I have to take to go anywhere so can’t be avoided completely. I’m not good at smalltalk anyway but I haven’t got a clue what to say in situations like this.

It started with comments about my legs because I was wearing shorts in the summer. Nothing nasty, just things like ‘You’ve a great pair of legs on you’. Then when I was wearing jeans it was ‘Nice ass’. Then silly things like ‘It’s getting colder, let me know if you need someone to keep you warm at night’. I just laughed this off. There’s one man who now seems to always be outside as I go past and he insists on stopping to chat, often holding me up for ages. A while back he was talking about how he was having trouble sleeping and asked if I did too. I said no, I’m lucky that I sleep well. Then he said ‘I bet you could help me sleep better too’ while grabbing the buckle of his belt and pulling it upwards. It’s hard to describe properly but it really felt like some sort of sexual gesture. Another day he was talking about how he had a lot of work to do and he wished he had my energy. I said something about how I had plenty of work to do too but he kept rambling on and said ‘All this energy you have during the day, what about at night? Does it last all night too, ha ha?’ while smirking at me. I couldn’t make any sense of this until long after the conversation had ended so didn’t know how to respond in the moment.

I know none of these are overtly sexual comments but they’re enough to make things uncomfortable and I don’t know what to say to them. It seems like no matter what the conversation is about or what I say, they will turn it into something weird like this. All the creepy men were hard enough to deal with when I was a teenager but I genuinely thought it would stop as I got older. I’m definitely older now but I’m starting to think it never stops. The creeps just get older. I’m really fed up with it. Is this just something us women have to learn to deal with? Any advice about what to say/do in these situations would be helpful.

Don’t stop. Keep going.

They are not entitled to your time.

If you can, change time or route.

Cross over to other side of road - make a face at him - sing la-la-la as you pass etc. OR just tell him straight ....

Ignore them completely. Don’t stop to chat - no one can “insist” on that if you don’t want to. Don’t look at them. Act as if they’re invisible, as they should be.

.... stop talking to/engaging with them? Done.

Just want to clarify that the suggestion to wear headphones was not to then play music, but to wear as an obvious sign that you’re not paying them any attention at all. The OP is struggling with feeling obligated to talk to these men and having a visible reason to ignore them might help her shift the balance.

I also don’t understand why you engage with him at all

I'd go with "what the fuck is WRONG with you?"

Thank you for the replies. I know I need to do something because the comments are getting cheekier. At the start I thought maybe it was just a one-off or a misunderstanding or ‘banter’ but it’s getting worse. It’s especially difficult because it’s rural and everyone knows everyone out here. One of these creeps is the church caretaker and very well respected. Another owns half the businesses in the village and is chairman of the neighbourhood watch. I don’t want them spreading rumours that I’m rude or unfriendly.

I’ll try ignoring them as much as possible. I already altered my route to avoid another creep but that was difficult because it adds almost an extra mile. I never wore the shorts again and I hate that because it should be ok to wear shorts in summer without feeling like I’m ‘tempting’ these men.

Just say " Can't sop" and keep walking / running
Repeat every time. You have a choice and don't need to engage

They're not being 'cheeky'. They're perverts and when you make small talk with them, they are dumb enough to think you like it. They probably think you fancy them and I'm not joking. They are delusional.

Stop dead. Say "you know I'm wearing a body cam, right?" then walk/jog away.

Well stop talking to them for a start and ignore them or tell them to eff off, you should have told him to eff off the first time, of course they will wait for you if you chat to them every time

Is this rage bait?
I speak with men on a daily basis through work and in my personal life and I don't encounter such comments.

They sound like a disgusting bunch of pervs.

Don't stop and talk to them. Just carry on running past.
Hopefully they'll get the message.

Exactly or cross the road!

You should speak to the local vicar about the caretaker’s behaviour. He should feel embarrassed about HIS behaviour, not you being perceived as rude.

You do not need to tolerate this.

And I would make a point of saying to both of them that the comments are making you feel uncomfortable.

Banter is a term used by men to minimise sexual chat.

Oh god 😳. I need to make it clear to them that I could never fancy them! The worst two are both happily married men so I thought they were just being friendly to start with.

You are not obliged to talk.to any of these men. Just stop the chat. By laughing along and engaging with them they see it as encouragement.

No, not rage bait. You’re lucky if you’ve never had to deal with this.

I would do two things. Wear headphones so you have an excuse not to engage (but not ones that block sounds in case it provokes them) and a GoPro to record them and take to the police.

Men like this are awful. I once bumped into a neighbour in turn same place two days running. I have no doubt the second was intentional. The first time was ok but I know his reputation so was wary. The second he told me he loved watching me walk past in the morning and gave me the distinct impression he’d have his hands down his trousers at the time. Yuck! I think I started getting the bus after that.

Same guy started chatting to a friend and I when we were out for a walk the day of the Sarah Everard gatherings. We mentioned them and he agreed how awful the whole thing was and then insisted he show us around his house. My friend is pally with his gf so didn’t like to say no and wasn’t picking up on my hints to leave.

Run past them on the other side of the riad. Wave cheerily if you feel you must.

The comments ARE overtly sexual. The guy who was pulling his belt would have been enjoying the friction against his dick.

@Dixie81 you absolutely don’t need to make it clear to them that you don’t fancy them. You are not obligated to do anything because of them and their behaviour. You honestly can just ignore them totally.

Christ they are always well respected in the community types. You are worried about rumours getting round the community if you say anything, I get it, but surely they should be the ones being worried about rumours about them???? If you know any women in the area, broach a casual conversation such as "do you know xyz, what are they like". Because if the creeps are doing it to you, they have and are doing it to other women. You usually find lots of people in the locality are in the know.
My friend employed a local gardener who turned out to be the pervert from hell. She has to put gates on the side of her house and install security cameras because he would let himself in the back of the house. Her neighbour told her of absolutely vile things he had said about another woman's 14 year old daughter (she also has him as a gardener). The guy is ex police. Needless to share information has been passed amongst the local women.

Are you a man?

Sorry op, this sounds awful and those men are dirty old perves. Don't stop walking or running when you go past. Practice a loud foghorn "sorry not today" and carry on. I do this in a variety of scenarios, usually with an arm held out to fend off any unwanted broaching of my space, then completely disengage. Don't respond to anything they say afterwards, at all.