Getting fed up with creepy comments

[Dixie81]

I try to get out for walk or run every morning. It’s a rural area so people tend to stop to chat if they meet me and most of them are very nice but there are a few who make me feel really awkward with their comments. They’re all older men. Two of them live along the route I have to take to go anywhere so can’t be avoided completely. I’m not good at smalltalk anyway but I haven’t got a clue what to say in situations like this.

It started with comments about my legs because I was wearing shorts in the summer. Nothing nasty, just things like ‘You’ve a great pair of legs on you’. Then when I was wearing jeans it was ‘Nice ass’. Then silly things like ‘It’s getting colder, let me know if you need someone to keep you warm at night’. I just laughed this off. There’s one man who now seems to always be outside as I go past and he insists on stopping to chat, often holding me up for ages. A while back he was talking about how he was having trouble sleeping and asked if I did too. I said no, I’m lucky that I sleep well. Then he said ‘I bet you could help me sleep better too’ while grabbing the buckle of his belt and pulling it upwards. It’s hard to describe properly but it really felt like some sort of sexual gesture. Another day he was talking about how he had a lot of work to do and he wished he had my energy. I said something about how I had plenty of work to do too but he kept rambling on and said ‘All this energy you have during the day, what about at night? Does it last all night too, ha ha?’ while smirking at me. I couldn’t make any sense of this until long after the conversation had ended so didn’t know how to respond in the moment.

I know none of these are overtly sexual comments but they’re enough to make things uncomfortable and I don’t know what to say to them. It seems like no matter what the conversation is about or what I say, they will turn it into something weird like this. All the creepy men were hard enough to deal with when I was a teenager but I genuinely thought it would stop as I got older. I’m definitely older now but I’m starting to think it never stops. The creeps just get older. I’m really fed up with it. Is this just something us women have to learn to deal with? Any advice about what to say/do in these situations would be helpful.

I feel your pain @Dixie81 I go for a walk in my little rural area every day, and occasionally (not more than once a week thankfully,) I encounter one of several men who always have something to say, not just 'hello nice weather for the time of year,' but lewd comments and other inappropriate comments. One man is about 78, and has previously made comments about his penis, and tells 'nob' gags, saying 'we've got to have a laugh haven't we me duck, they're all so politically correct these days!' I think 'having a laugh is not discussing your cock thank you.' 😖 He thinks he's funny but he leaves me cold.

A couple of other men give me the creeps too. One is about 65, another is about 70. Similar kind of unsolicited, inappropriate comments, some of them sexual-innuendo. I have become quite skilled at darting out of the way when I see them so I don't have to talk to them.

Pisses me right off. I should be able to have my walk in peace without these annoying men. Who the hell do they think they are? All of them have wives too!

Hard to know what to say to you except as some other posters have said, just don't stop. Put your headphones on/in your ears, and jog past. Just raise your hand slightly as an acknowledgement and don't stop. If there're not happy with you not stopping, that's their problem. You don't owe them a conversation.

Oh, another thing I do - if I can't avoid them - is pretend I am on the phone.

I do want to say 'fuck off' but I can't bring myself to do it.

.

Why are you engaging with them? Just run past

Ah, I understand. I was totally like that in my 20s and was confused (to say the least!!) when men made comments like this. It took a lot of years to recognise these men for what they are.

The comments have clearly escalated. A charitable explanation for these men could be that they are clueless and as you have never shown any offence and continued to stop and chat they thought you liked it. My guess is if confronted they would be surprised that you were offended as you haven’t acted like you were. i think it’s gross and I would never behave like this but I can see a world in which a failure to say something has contributed to the escalation and led them to think you guys have some sort of in joke going on.

The solution is very straightforward - you tell them to stop!

OP I go running/walking a lot and I don't even make eye contact with any man I see out and about. The issue is of course with the men doing this, but you seem to be trying to placate them and giving them far too much of your time and energy. Just walk/run past without acknowledging them.

A very hard stare and a calm, uninflammatory "That's not funny" or "Please don't make personal comments" can work. They know they are pushing the boundaries and will know exactly what you mean without you having to tell them they are a creep.

I find with these kinds of incidents, it generally has to happen a few times before we process it, we are so conditioned to be nice and not upset people. Then sometimes it takes us a few tries to develop a response that works for us. But when we do, it's quite empowering because we end the encounter in charge, rather than them being dominant.

Slightly differently, I do a lot of distance walking and it is amazing how many men feel entitled to comment on women doing exercise outdoors. My most useful response is "There's always a middle aged man to tell you how you should do it better, isn't there" which is exactly in the spirit of their banter but does take the wind out of their pompous/patronising/belittling selves. My personal bete noir is fat middle aged men who haven't climbed a mountain in years telling you off for using your phone to navigate. When GPX has been the most freeing thing for women walkers ever. But I digress...

An eye roll, and a "you remind me of my dad/grandad" might shut them up.

They are being creepy but I think as others have said it’s better and safer to just disengage. You don’t owe them your time. I guess you could just offer a breezy ‘can’t stop today! I’m on a deadline,’ or similar but I wear earbuds out running which I think are a universal symbol to leave women alone/an excuse to ignore perverts

Where the hell do you live????

Is there a facebook or whatsapp group for your village? I would make a post on there asking for some advice as you have been made to feel uncomfortable by some older men during your runs round the local area and these are making you feel unsafe. No need to name names or give specifics. They might see it and back off, or you might find they have been doing this to others and you could buddy up for safety.

Remember you owe these perves NOTHING. The normal rules of politeness and decency do not apply
to creepy sick men who are perving on you. Give them
the middle finger as you run past. What will they do ? Complain to others that you no longer let them make perverted comments to you?!

I find the onus being on women to avoid / makes excuses to avoid this kind of bullshit so annoying. These are small communities people are talking about and married / ‘respected’ men. I suspect they would not act this way if you weren’t alone. Could you say, politely, “I find this kind of comment disrespectful and I’m sure your wife / employer / church leader would as well. Please will you stop it because it’s not funny or welcome at all?” They’d be mortified to be observed acting this way, I’m sure, and maybe need a reminder they are in a community.

For OP, these are clearly sexual comments and the fact you are doubting yourself whether they are suggests to me you may be more vulnerable or they may view you as such. My DC is autistic and often doesn’t know until afterward that people speaking to him are being mean. If you are more vulnerable in any way, all the more reason I think to pull in other people or the reference to other people to defend yourself from this harassment. These men are 100% in the wrong and you have a right to run in your community wearing anything you like without being bothered like this. No response you could make at this stage would be ‘rude’ - they are the rude ones, not you.

I sometimes think the older men can be worse. They are from a generation where women’s rights were virtually non existent. Maybe no one told them it’s not the 1970s anymore, or maybe they just don’t care or think that being old is an excuse. I’ve had a couple of men old enough to be my dad make innuendos to me. Made me feel sick. And their positions in the village should not give them any entitlement to act like dirty old gits!

His comments are more than overtly sexual they are abusive so you need to stop talking to him just run past him fast or tell him to stop talking to you like that. Dirty old men think their comments are acceptable if nobody challenges them and will escalate them. The trouser belt thing is horrendous. Or...you could just tell him to FO.

Makes me glad I live in a small city and not a village full of old entitled creeps.

God men have no idea how difficult they make navigating the world for women.

I honestly think they believe they’re in with a chance. It’s like they don’t realise how repulsive it is. Each one of them has likely spent a lifetime harassing various women.

Old blokes, young blokes, married blokes. Fuckers.

Why are you stopping to talk to them if they make you feel uncomfortable? Honestly, I can't understand it. Just say "sorry, have to run!" and walk away.

The perv with the buckle - I would actually make a point of blanking him next time.

These men are creeps. Wave and keep on running.

Often they are utterly deluded and take even the vaguest interaction with younger sexually attractive woman as a sign they are in with a chance 🤮Men who make comments like this don’t think like us women or normal men. I blame porn.

You can try the quick cutting remark delivered in a teacher voice

Do you get much luck with this approach?

Sonny you couldn't keep me in hairpins

Im as far above you as the stars so keep your own level

Or keep picking at it as some posters suggested.

Yeah don't let the probably fact that you will have to see them again alter the fact that they're filthy old pervs and you have every right to just not engage or if you want to, reply with a firm retort. They are being overtly sexual and its a piss take and a sign of the times they lived in that they think they can do that with impunity.

It's so hard isn't it. We are taught from being little girls that we should be seen and not heard and cute and lovely and if we offend men they will get angry and hurt us and it will be our fault.

And it's only banter! And we mustn't be a spoil sport! And don't be rude and it's flattering and they know we like it....

I would possibly say something so embarrassing that they dare not tell anyone... like 'if you can still get it up - then we're on... does you wife want to join in or does she not know you perv on young runners?"

middle finger and keep running.

I know someone who got these comments from a neighbour/runner. I'll run a bath for you, the waters hot at my house etc. His wife was a TA at the local school where my friends daughter went to school. Cue one afternoon when the neighbour knocked on the door and apologised profusely for his behaviour. The friends daughter in yr 6 had said to his wife at school 'Why does your husband keep saying these things to my mum?' She had overheard mum ranting about him.
If these blokes are married go and knock on their door and ask the wives to keep the creepy sex pests indoors.

wishingonastar101
Gosh, is that what you were taught from being a little girl?
That's sad. My parents certainly didn't teach me that.