Getting fed up with creepy comments

[Dixie81]

I try to get out for walk or run every morning. It’s a rural area so people tend to stop to chat if they meet me and most of them are very nice but there are a few who make me feel really awkward with their comments. They’re all older men. Two of them live along the route I have to take to go anywhere so can’t be avoided completely. I’m not good at smalltalk anyway but I haven’t got a clue what to say in situations like this.

It started with comments about my legs because I was wearing shorts in the summer. Nothing nasty, just things like ‘You’ve a great pair of legs on you’. Then when I was wearing jeans it was ‘Nice ass’. Then silly things like ‘It’s getting colder, let me know if you need someone to keep you warm at night’. I just laughed this off. There’s one man who now seems to always be outside as I go past and he insists on stopping to chat, often holding me up for ages. A while back he was talking about how he was having trouble sleeping and asked if I did too. I said no, I’m lucky that I sleep well. Then he said ‘I bet you could help me sleep better too’ while grabbing the buckle of his belt and pulling it upwards. It’s hard to describe properly but it really felt like some sort of sexual gesture. Another day he was talking about how he had a lot of work to do and he wished he had my energy. I said something about how I had plenty of work to do too but he kept rambling on and said ‘All this energy you have during the day, what about at night? Does it last all night too, ha ha?’ while smirking at me. I couldn’t make any sense of this until long after the conversation had ended so didn’t know how to respond in the moment.

I know none of these are overtly sexual comments but they’re enough to make things uncomfortable and I don’t know what to say to them. It seems like no matter what the conversation is about or what I say, they will turn it into something weird like this. All the creepy men were hard enough to deal with when I was a teenager but I genuinely thought it would stop as I got older. I’m definitely older now but I’m starting to think it never stops. The creeps just get older. I’m really fed up with it. Is this just something us women have to learn to deal with? Any advice about what to say/do in these situations would be helpful.

These ARE overtly sexual comments! I have perfected the polite smile and keep walking, just don’t engage. You can also repeat back to them deadpan “sorry did you just say x?” And look confused.

Do you have difficulty processing language generally (quite common with some conditions like Autism and ADHD) or have you just been brought up to be too polite and prioritise other people over yourself too much?

It's somewhat worrying that you're so oblivious to what's been going on here and makes me wonder what other situations you're putting up with where you're being treated badly.

By engaging with these people you're encouraging them. I don't mean that in a victim blamey way, they are nasty wankers and responsible for what they're saying, just in the sense that they are doing what they want and your response makes it easy for them to continue and escalate, so they will until they're shut down. PP is right that they have taken your engaging with them as a sign that you like it, are flattered by it, and fancy them.

If it's a processing issue I'd encourage you start paying attention when you get niggles about something later and start avoiding people who disrespect you or make you feel uneasy. With these guys, change your route or cross the road. Reduce the opportunities. Blank them. Just don't give them the time of day.

If it's that you've been brought up to think everyone else's feelings/time/perspective are more important than yours, I'd encourage you to break that conditioning. It leaves you really vulnerable to long term detrimental situations and a wasted life. I'm not saying learn to be rude. I'm saying learn to say "Please don't do that.", "I don't appreciate that.", "Sorry, that doesn't work for me", "You aren't the only one who matters here." etc. and then enforce your right to be just as happy/comfortable/at ease as anyone else.

Just totally blank the dirty old sods.

My Dad has just been in hospital, he kept 'joking ' about the pretty nurses, we had to tell him that he sounded like a 1970s Benny Hill sketch and it wasn't funny.He's 81, just had a stroke, but there's only so much slack you can cut him!

The fact that a) you don't consider these comments to be 'overtly sexual and b) you apparently keep stopping to chat to them even though they're harassing you is quite odd. You sound quite vulnerable to be honest.

I think there's a lot of societal pressure on girls, not necessarily directly from parents, though there's still some of that too. But in most schools girls are strongly discouraged from making a fuss. Many industries, despite having great policies in place, have a de facto "banter" culture. And peer pressure, especially in teen years, can pretty heavy handed too.

You need to learn to speak up for yourself - no-one else is going to do it for you. The next time this creep tries to stop you, tell him to fuck off with his perverted comments.

I have no time to be polite I would run straight past them. Ignore them completely.

I wear massive headphones not even playing music. They give me an excuse to just completely ignore any and all conversation when I’m out!

@Dixie81 I had a very similar situation recently while I was out for a walk near where I live.
A much older married man took it upon himself to stop me outside of the house he shared with his wife and make inappropriate comments about my body (my legs as I happened to be in my gym gear). Like you, I was taken aback at first out of disbelief that he would think it was appropriate to say such things so it didn’t fully register. Stupid I know, I should know better at my age!

Anyway, despite blanking him on a number of occasions since then as I did not want to be subjected to his disgusting sexist comments again, he took it upon himself to follow me one day (I was unaware he’d done so) to find out where I lived. He was outside my house one day waving at me.

I called the police and they were brilliant. They took it very seriously.

They went to his house the following day and warned him off. His wife was at home too when they visited him so I hope she knows what a vile fucking pervert she’s married too.

I cannot understand why men think this behaviour is in any way acceptable, flattering or appropriate.
If it happens again with your neighbours, as a pp suggested, I’d consider calling the police to make them aware as sometimes these men don’t like not getting the attention they feel they deserve.

I have had this too with a couple of men in my local rural area. I am often out walking and friendly with people I meet. These 2 men started off friendly but the comments escalated with both and I was quite embarrassed and didnt know how to deal with the situation. They both ended up making very crude and suggestive comments.

I now try and avoid them both and if I see them I just say I am in a rush. One of these men is mid 60s and the other is late 70s! I am 50 so even at my age I am still dealing with pervy men.

I am such a people pleaser that I found it impossible to tell them how inappropriate their behaviour was. They have both got the hint though and dont expect me to stop and chat anymore after me saying I can't stop a few times. If i was running i would put headphones on and just keep running.

I have recently got divorced and 2 men I know locally found my details through my work and messaged me trying to organise a meet up to "cheer me up and support me". They are both quite a bit older and one is married! I blocked them both. Shocking how some men behave.

As messed up as it sounds, stop talking to men lol. I was all not all men until my husband and other men had to drum it into my head to not engage much with them. They are not talking to you because they think you're an interesting person. Yes this sucks to realise but it's just how it is.

I can’t believe some people have never experienced this! I get it often. Lots of comments that border on jeers like “you look like you are working up a sweat” when out running. Or “need a hand” when stretching before or after. It’s pretty constant.

Oh and just to add I really wish I could be someone who confronted these pervs head on so they dont get away with it. Sadly I am of a generation who has grown up seeing this kind of thing as the norm. I wish I could be braver but avoiding the situation in future is the best way I can deal with it.

I’m autistic and was an easy target as a child but I really thought I had got better at judging these kind of things. I clearly haven’t because I couldn’t tell for sure until I posted here about it. I grew up in care but before that my mum also taught me to be a people pleaser especially with men. In her mind, men had the right to do whatever they wanted to me. I’ve had lots of therapy and really worked on this so it’s sad to realise I’m still a bit crap at judging people’s intentions.

Carry on running with maybe a nod in their direction , then completely ignore .

Sending a virtual hug.

If you do want to run with headphones I recommend the bone conduction ones, so you can still hear what's going on around you.

I am enraged on your behalf. Totally unacceptable. Agree the best thing is to run past them if you can.

Another option might be to say hi, and the moment they say something creepy just pull a face, pull your headphones on and run on.

Is there anyone you can run with, bet they wouldn't be so bold if someone else was there. Maybe all of the furious women on this thread can join your run one day!!

Sorry you've had this crap to deal with, don't let it stop you.

These are the sort of remarks that used to make my skin crawl (no one makes them to me anymore, thankfully) and if you say anything at all - it'd be what a bitch you are with no sense of humour - the jauntiness would freeze over very quickly.

Try wearing headphones for a while and just jog past with a cheery wave or don't wear headphones and just jog past saying "really busy today, no time to chat". Be prepared for a bit of pushback - make sure to keep your distance physically.

Have you ever had any therapy or counselling? As I said in my previous post, you sound really vulnerable.

What these men are doing isn't normal at all and the fact that you haven't been able to read their intentions makes me quite worried for you. None of this is your fault, but I think you need some help in being more assertive and knowing how to remove yourself from situations where you're not comfortable.

Nobody should be making comments about your body, shouting innuendos etc at you. Ever.

For context, I would have ignored these men the first time they said anything and the second time I'd have said 'Fuck off, you grubby old creep. Don't ever speak to me like that again'. I'm not saying my approach is ideal, and it's obviously a confrontational one which understandably isn't always appropriate, but it does at least give you an idea of how some other women might respond to being pestered like that.

Say this:
'which house is yours?' and when they tell you say 'I'm just going to pop in and tell your wife what you've just said to me'.
Is there a village newsletter? Put an article in there about mens behaviour/comments when your doing a run. If it continues do another article and name names.

This is very interesting as I have ADHD and never thought that might be some of the reason I struggle to filter creeps early on and then have guys making disgusting comments.

Just remember Dixie they are in the wrong not you. They have no right to make you feel uncomfortable. Deal with them however feels right for you, they are the ones who should feel ashamed. Thanks for posting this thread as it has given me food for thought also.

They sound like fucken weirdos
wear headphones and walk straight past them .

OP you need to work on your people skills.

You are engaging in small talk with men who are making you feel uncomfortable.

You are then not saying anything about their inappropriate comments/carrying on talking to them.

You are then doing this on other days.

Some men will not care, they will meme these comments because they enjoy making women feel uncomfortable but these men are of course going to think you enjoy it.

If you’re not comfortable saying anything about inappropriate comments, then make an excuses and just walk.
And don’t stop and talk.

Your example about them doing road works - keep walking as they are talking.

You seem to be stopping and talking - literally talk and walk.

I definitely agree with headphones.
If you still want to talk then take one ear out and continue walking whilst talking to them and then put them back on.

Lots of women get inappropriate comments so it may not stop it completely but I have stood and talked to as many people as you seem to.

Women who are ND are more likely to become victims.

Men are also likely to become victims but often this shows itself in ways where they are also a perpetrator (eg county lines, DA etc)

they overtly sexual comments. You are massively under reacting imo:

you are within your rights to tell them you don’t wish to be approached or spoken to any more, and report them for harassment if they continue. It’s difficult with our conditioning and because you have so far reacted as if it’s ’just banter’ (I understand why that might have happened just saying it makes it more difficult to assert a boundary now). But you shouldn’t have to put up with this.

be careful though if you think there is any potential they could be dangerous