Am I wrong to continue to refuse to socialise with DH’s best man

[Westernweath]

I got married last summer (2025) and took offence to a comment made by DH’s best man. Juvenile humour at my expense. I remained calm at the time but told DH in no uncertain terms I would not socialise with him again.

He has respected that until now. Big row last night that I’ve ‘dragged it out for over a year and need to move on now’. I explained I felt embarrassed in front of family and friends. He says as he has apologised repeatedly I should give him a second chance, and be mindful that a lot of alcohol was consumed by him and he has ‘cut right down as a result’.

Maybe I am stubborn. But I believe that fool me once, you don’t get another chance.

YABU - move on and agree to meet up
YANBU - stick to your position

Well, that's a bit of a drip feed.
You have issues with farting and understandably are sensitive to any "jokes".
As that's not funny at all.
Why not lead with that in your post?!

Are you always so precious, your poor husband if you are …

Honestly, I would be more upset at being told to “let it go” than the original comment (which wasn’t cool either.) It’s not his place to tell you how to think, feel or act. He says that he has apologized repeatedly, but has he been respectful and behaved accordingly? Did he apologize to you or your DH? I would assume after his explosion, it’s all empty words. I wouldn’t trust him after that. His decision to cut back on drinking was his own choice and is not dependent on your forgiveness. He is obviously resentful because that is such a big part of his life. I would assume that alcohol brought the truth out at your wedding and he’s a misogynistic twat who blames you for your DH’s unavailability to go out and play like the “old days.”

Absolutely, but we will, most of us, have said them off the cuff and in private, or in front of a few people, unpremeditated. We won’t have said them (I) on a formal occasion in front of the bride’s gathered family and friends, (2) on a day which is, for some women, the most important day of their lives and for which they have often gone to huge amounts of trouble with their dress and appearance, (3) in a speech which we have supposedly thought about and written in advance and which is supposed to compliment the bride, (4) while being recorded for posterity by dozens of guests phone cameras, and possibly a videographer, and (5) as a cheap laugh at the expense of someone who just married our supposed best friend.

I mean, it’s not complicated. I’m fairly sure that ‘Don’t publicly humiliate the bride’ is pretty much Best Man’s Speech 101.

Stupid man! He meant it, in his addled mess of a brain, as a compliment: you looked like a stunning woman compared to a bloke. Saying it aloud at your wedding showed a horrendous level of understanding, control and decorum. I think he’s going to have to grovel for eternity to get back into your good books. By all means be the grown up and gracious one. Make him and his daft mate (DH) work for it. One of them is designated driver, they have to ply you with drinks and lovely food. Your choice of venue and activity. Keep your dignity, don’t get arseholed, you’re not on their level but do have a good time and do look at your phone/watch when he speaks and subtly change subject. You can have fun with this.

Then why did you make this post if you are so entrenched?

Why do people always want to try and rile the o.p up with such disproportionate reactions

Not remotely similar.

I can't see how what he said would have been a revelation to anyone, he didn't mention IBS did he? I mean, can you really imagine your guests recoiling in horror and shrieking 'OH MY GOD SHE FARTED ONCE!'. No, because they wouldn't and they didn't. They laughed, then forgot about it because they were all drunk and they fart too.

Your post struck a chord with me because it reminded me of how I could be quite rigid when I was younger, felt very embarrassed, and found it hard to cope if people mentioned bodily functions.
It took me a long time, and some therapy, to realise that black-and-white thinking/not backing down can sometimes be a protective mask. Not everyone was going to share my special interests or values.

Because of that, I made a decision young that with people I decided I liked, I just let them decide who they liked. I could hang out without trying to figure them out or forcing myself to get too close. When they were rude, I would assume they meant well or couldnt help it. This was very helpful for me throughout my life. In later life I was diagnosed ASD2/3 but feel this approach is very handy for anyone.
For this post i used an ai as a disability aid to help me sort out my thoughts in a coherent way. (this raised some stuff)

They have been friends since 15 (now 40s). He wasn't always like it would say he always had a bit of a insecure streak but it's become more obvious last few years.

DH sees him a few times a year due to different locations but they check in with each other weekly.

I would never dictate DHs friends anymore then he would do to me.

@Westernweath
yes, I can understand the upset at the time- but a year has passed, he has apologised and he is your husbands best friend. He is unlikely to be disappearing from your DH’s life any time soon.

Look, you certainly don’t have to be bosom buddies or close friends- but surely you can be in the same room as him and remain civil? If not, I think you are being unreasonable.

It’s already causing friction in your relationship, it does not need to be this big of a deal- I think very few other people (if any) will even remember what he said a year later. Few, if any, would have concluded you have IBS from him saying you farted sitting on the sofa, so I don’t think he “outed” your secret. He was rude and thoughtless by telling a tasteless joke at your wedding. He should not have done it, and his actions hurt you- which he has clearly acknowledged and he has apologised multiple times to you. Honestly, I think you have blown this incident out of all proportion and you need to step back a bit from it now- just let it go. Holding on to this amount of upset and anger is harming you, as much as anyone else.

I think you are also setting yourself up for a fall- at some point you will say or do something that upsets someone else (I’d be surprised if you have not already done so, at least once)- I suspect you would hope to be forgiven if you sincerely apologise. If you can’t extend the same grace to others, as you expect to be given, you might find yourself quite isolated. Few people like hypocrites. And if you cut off everyone who upsets you once, and everyone you upset immediately cuts you off, you are going to have very few people in your life.

What’s your point? 🤷‍♀️

It's the best man speech! It's conventional for it to be irreverent and to take the piss.

It was crass and I wouldn't have liked it/ been embarrassed . But it was a misjudged joke. The intention was to fulfil the role of best man and make people laugh, not hurt the OP. He's apologised.
The reality is many women / families would have found that funny (not me). He just got it wrong and misjudged.

OP is entitled to her feelings and I understand why she was embarrassed. But punishing the man a year later- after he has apologised many times- and interfering with her husband's relationship with his best friend , all over an ill judged joke, is really really shitty behaviour.

Id have laughed at that. As the bride! What a ridiculous thing to hold a grudge about

You don’t agree with posts saying you seem co trolling by pleading with your husband’s friends not to give him drinks? What a surprise @TeaCupTinsel

You should have farted in response @Westernweath

At least he didn’t say ‘then scratching your bum’.

For it to happen on your wedding day is really bad. I would be livid too. But my DH's friends are some of the biggest dickheads around so if I took offense to everything he would have no friends left. On my wedding day a long time male friend of his spent about a full minute looking me up and down and then said 'wow what a body' in front of both of us; he also at the same wedding tried chatting up my DH's then 65 year old mum (who is really hot but still). His best man joked that I scrubbed up okay because I usually look disheveled and this same friend had warned DH about my 'strong personality'-after he had tried to come onto me behind DH back. My point is that many men are just dickheads, I am sorry but they are. So this guy is a dick for sure but I guess you just have to put up with him.

Do you genuinely not see that the issue is your husband @BrickMaker ?

What a piece of shit. I hope your DH isn't friends with him any more.

Sorry have now read the update. Glad they are no longer friends.

You shouldn’t have to put up with dicks. And in your case I would be wondering why your DH is friends with so many

He didn't reveal that you have IBS, though. He just said you farted. Which literally all humans do - it doesn't reveal anything about any illness. It was a weird, lighthearted joke. I can see why your husband is annoyed if you've held a grudge for a year about such a minor thing!

He may not have even know she had ibs

Wow, he made a joke about you possibly in his best mans speech. Shock, horror. Get over it!!! You’re being ridiculous and the truth a massive red flag 🚩. You’ve received and apology. This is beyond petty. Your husband has the patience of a saint. You’d have pissed me off after not accepting the apology. You’re to precious