Am I wrong to continue to refuse to socialise with DH’s best man

[Westernweath]

I got married last summer (2025) and took offence to a comment made by DH’s best man. Juvenile humour at my expense. I remained calm at the time but told DH in no uncertain terms I would not socialise with him again.

He has respected that until now. Big row last night that I’ve ‘dragged it out for over a year and need to move on now’. I explained I felt embarrassed in front of family and friends. He says as he has apologised repeatedly I should give him a second chance, and be mindful that a lot of alcohol was consumed by him and he has ‘cut right down as a result’.

Maybe I am stubborn. But I believe that fool me once, you don’t get another chance.

YABU - move on and agree to meet up
YANBU - stick to your position

Ach that's not so bad! Has he said sorry? Can you forgive him and move forward for your husband's sake? It's not something he would have known would have hurt you so much.

Aah, I just can imagine how the OP's stomach lurched as mine was nearly two decades ago and I still can 'feel' the sensation when I think about it after all this time.

On the night, he was shuffled off home early by disgruntled bridesmaids and my sibling.

He was a work colleague of husband and they'd become good friends. He apologised again at work to husband and said he got carried away drinking and wasn't thinking.

They drifted apart mostly due to circumstances as husband moved to a new job and groomsman was single/ heavy drinking/ out a lot (husband and I already had a child together when we married) and we ended up having more children so naturally their lives diverged. There was never a big hoo-ha afterwards, just shock at what happened and then a natural drift apart. Husband isn't the confrontational/ angry type (which is one of the reasons why I love him) and he still treated him as he had before at work but didn't go on nights out with him anymore really, both due to our young family and just shock at how aggressive he got in that moment at the wedding.

They don't have contact anymore but they've occasionally bumped into each other in our local area and exchanged pleasantries. He has settled down now and is married too (by all accounts doesn't drink as much!)

He’s appalling

but my word…. How pathetic is your husband around alcohol that you had to beg people to stop him drinking at his own wedding

Ohhh there’s another one that has a stick up there bums and a fabulous pair of pearls to clutch

I can hold a grudge from now to the next ice age but I would have had a retort for that comment , laughed at myself and moved on.

Seriously, get a grip. Life's to short. If your going to hold a grudge make it worthwhile.

I dont think its black or white. A year on from the event if the groomsman has said sorry you can accept it and agree to attend things he is at. But you dont have to suddenly be best friends.
my husbands best friend did something horrible, I will never forgive him. But 20 years on I am “neutral”. If there is an event I will attend and make small talk and I am pleasant. But I dont go out of my way to talk to him or help him or initiate anything

Well, he isn't pathetic. It was a very long time ago and we were a lot younger. He was just being bought drinks and generally having a fun time, I don't even think he was thinking about it, just enjoying the moment.

He's never been a big drinker and I was more pleading to the groomsmen to stop giving him drinks (they were all BIG drinkers and just kept coming up to him with shots) as I just was worried he was not paying attention to the amount and would get stung by it.

It was such an innocuous thing in the moment, I think that's why the groomsman's response was such a shock.

just seen what he said and yes you are being completely unreasonable and OTT! Move on and stop being so ridiculous!!!

Sorry OP, it’s in your interest to move forward and let this go. Is it really worth having arguments with your husband about this?

Best man was a twat. Your wedding guests probably thought he was a twat. He’s changed his behaviour- so he seems to also think he was a twat. Accept the apology and let it go, for your own sake. You don’t have to become best buddies, isn’t civil and cautious enough?

Anymore than 3 drinks and he would be an utter mess! I didn't want my wedding evening ruined having to deal with a drunk, sick husband so I went over and said 'Please, please don't give him anymore drinks as he's not used to it and we want to enjoy the evening.'

Did your husband hear you beg them?

I cant imagine this is the only dramtic reaction you have done, it would get very tiring living with someone this intense

This makes your side even more understandable. Unless someone has IBS/IBD it's so difficult to understand the constant sense of anxiety and embarrassment.

I don't think anyone would have guessed you had IBS from that comment OP but completely understand why you would fear that or be extra embarrassed about it.

It may have been a 'throwaway' comment to him but he inevitably tacked onto one of your biggest insecurities, on your wedding day, in front of your guests.

As your husband is wanting to continue this relationship with his friend, do you think it would help to talk it through with him and express why it hurt so much/ or if you could be civil if he is around (not friendly, just calm and polite)?

I got lucky because of husband's job move so didn't need to navigate the continuing friendship.

Not everyone can constantly hold it in. Unless you want to be in and out of the room like a yoyo every 5 mins

Op I think you're justified, having read what he disclosed. For me, the real test would be your husband's understanding and support

You need to move on
The comment was nothing to do with ibs.
Laugh a little at yourself op and get over it

This sounds like an evening of farting !

Jeez there are some grudges I’ve held since God was a lad, I’m Olympic class at grudge holding, but I really think it’s time for you to let this misjudged, crass but fairly mild joke go and move on.

Yep, totally unreasonable. I thought it was going to be something genuinely humiliating. That was just a joke FGS

I don't think so, as he was standing behind my sibling. I approached the three groomsmen who were carrying a tray of shots towards him/them.

He did hear the 'snarl' though and he came straight over to me when it happened.

Lol. Having been in a pub full of football supporters it's quite likely

I imagine he’d have felt mortified had he heard

Many women would have genuinely found his comment funny and not offensive. He’s apologised as he misjudged. Yes you should definitely give him another chance, your husband wants you to, there’s no good reason not to and you don’t want to impact his friendship when male companionship is at an all time low.

If you fart lots in front of people @Westernweath … this can’t have been the first time someone has made a comment?

Not gone through similar but I can empathise. How bloody dare some stupid man say that to a woman on her wedding day. Riposte should be to turn it back on the idiot. Nasty person.

Is your sibling a man or a woman? You surely know? I can't stand this stupid, pro-trans, word.