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Original poster

Am I wrong to continue to refuse to socialise with DH’s best man

337 replies

Westernweath · Yesterday 16:29

I got married last summer (2025) and took offence to a comment made by DH’s best man. Juvenile humour at my expense. I remained calm at the time but told DH in no uncertain terms I would not socialise with him again.

He has respected that until now. Big row last night that I’ve ‘dragged it out for over a year and need to move on now’. I explained I felt embarrassed in front of family and friends. He says as he has apologised repeatedly I should give him a second chance, and be mindful that a lot of alcohol was consumed by him and he has ‘cut right down as a result’.

Maybe I am stubborn. But I believe that fool me once, you don’t get another chance.

YABU - move on and agree to meet up
YANBU - stick to your position

OP posts:
Bloozie · Yesterday 21:23

What he said really wasn't that bad, nor did it 'reveal' your IBS to anyone. It was a gentle dig, using masculine stereotypes (beer and farting) as a counterpoint to how beautiful and feminine you looked on your wedding day. Not my cup of tea - no idea why best man speeches end up being roasts - but it's a time-honoured tradition and REALLY not that offensive.

YABU I'm afraid. He's your husband's best friend.

britneyisfreebutnotokay · Yesterday 21:26

Not unreasonable at all. How you feel is how you feel. He can fuck off.

Studyunder · Yesterday 21:27

TeaCupTinsel · Yesterday 19:48

Honestly, I thought the comment would be worse than what you have revealed.

However, I DO understand how upsetting it is as something similar happened to me on my wedding day. I saw my husband's groomsmen encouraging to have lots of drinks/shots and my husband rarely drinks (even more so at the time, due to the nature of his work). Anymore than 3 drinks and he would be an utter mess! I didn't want my wedding evening ruined having to deal with a drunk, sick husband so I went over and said 'Please, please don't give him anymore drinks as he's not used to it and we want to enjoy the evening.'

One of his groomsmen said with a snarl on his face 'Oh go fuck yourself!'

I was so shocked and upset, I burst into tears and, even though it was one tiny moment of the day and everyone quickly jumped in to support/ get him to apologise etc, it really hurt so much that on the day that was supposed to be one of the best of my life, someone was so nasty to me in such a horrible way. I will never forget the snarl on his face, like I'd told him I'd killed his pet dog or something. I didn't say it in an angry tone or anything like that, if anything, it was a gentle pleading.

Even when I think of it now, it still makes my stomach turn. I was having such a lovely day and it was such a shock.

I do understand how it feels so I can understand why you've struggled to move past it. It's the one day where people are supposed to be kind, supportive and lovely and instead he tried to humiliate you. I'm so sorry that happened.

Fucking hell! That’s horrific. Someone like that never really understands the impact of their actions either. What a bellend

EveningSpread · Yesterday 21:30

Christ, what do you do when you are actually wronged? Do you burn their house down?

Frenzi · Yesterday 21:30

You are being very precious!

TeaCupTinsel · Yesterday 21:33

Grammarnut · Yesterday 21:20

Is your sibling a man or a woman? You surely know? I can't stand this stupid, pro-trans, word.

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Sibling isn't trans (not that is in the slightest bit relevant). I just used a neutral term in trying to prevent the post being too outing. Bit of an overreaction to a completely normal term to describe a relative!

Livpool · Yesterday 21:35

YABU - and his comment wasn’t bad. Get over yourself

TeaCupTinsel · Yesterday 21:42

Cracklecandley · Yesterday 21:13

I imagine he’d have felt mortified had he heard

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Well, not really? He obviously found out afterwards what was said and appreciated it being just concern from his wife.

It wasn't a normal situation, he'd never been in a position where people were repeatedly buying him drinks before due to the nature of his work at the time.

I'm not sure what exactly you're getting at but it's all pretty irrelevant nearly two decades down the line being happily married. We've not had another situation like it since.

I was just trying to empathise with the OP as I think it being such an important day does make a difference to how things feel and how we react to them.

PepsiBook · Yesterday 21:49

I was assuming what he said was going to be something awful...be told everyone you fart. Seriously. Everyone farts, it's not a big deal. I agree with your husband.

Cracklecandley · Yesterday 21:52

TeaCupTinsel · Yesterday 21:42

Well, not really? He obviously found out afterwards what was said and appreciated it being just concern from his wife.

It wasn't a normal situation, he'd never been in a position where people were repeatedly buying him drinks before due to the nature of his work at the time.

I'm not sure what exactly you're getting at but it's all pretty irrelevant nearly two decades down the line being happily married. We've not had another situation like it since.

I was just trying to empathise with the OP as I think it being such an important day does make a difference to how things feel and how we react to them.

Edited
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Sure

But if I heard a bride pleading with guests not to give her husband drinks - I would be a touch WTF thinking she sounds controlling and / or she sounds like a very vulnerable individual to booze!

PollyBell · Yesterday 21:55

TeaCupTinsel · Yesterday 21:42

Well, not really? He obviously found out afterwards what was said and appreciated it being just concern from his wife.

It wasn't a normal situation, he'd never been in a position where people were repeatedly buying him drinks before due to the nature of his work at the time.

I'm not sure what exactly you're getting at but it's all pretty irrelevant nearly two decades down the line being happily married. We've not had another situation like it since.

I was just trying to empathise with the OP as I think it being such an important day does make a difference to how things feel and how we react to them.

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It was controlling anyone trying to dress up controlling as concern fails

alcovecupboards · Yesterday 21:57

Westernweath · Yesterday 16:32

Yes. He complimented me on how I looked in my dress and then gave an anecdote about how much of a contrast it was when he saw me last, ‘watching football on the sofa with a beer and farting away’. Gross!

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And for that you decided to cut him off completely? Christ. I suspect what you've actually done is doomed your own marriage because it is so batshit that no-one would put up with it.

Dontlletmedownbruce · Yesterday 21:59

Your poor DH being put in that position. Even if you did hold a grudge and refuse to be friends with him you should still socialise in a group for the sake of your DH. But I think you are being ridiculous holding a grudge anyway. It was rude and I'd be unhappy but he apologised and it's time to get over it. I suspect you don't have much stress in your life. Marriage isn't always plain sailing and you will have real life issues to tackle as a couple so don't be creating problems that you don't need

KiwiFall · Yesterday 22:00

TeaCupTinsel · Yesterday 20:54

This makes your side even more understandable. Unless someone has IBS/IBD it's so difficult to understand the constant sense of anxiety and embarrassment.

I don't think anyone would have guessed you had IBS from that comment OP but completely understand why you would fear that or be extra embarrassed about it.

It may have been a 'throwaway' comment to him but he inevitably tacked onto one of your biggest insecurities, on your wedding day, in front of your guests.

As your husband is wanting to continue this relationship with his friend, do you think it would help to talk it through with him and express why it hurt so much/ or if you could be civil if he is around (not friendly, just calm and polite)?

I got lucky because of husband's job move so didn't need to navigate the continuing friendship.

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As someone who has suffered with severe IBS for over decades. I would have laughed it off. All humans fart medical conditions
or not. The best man didn’t know and he has apologised. I think holding onto the grudge isn’t fair on the husband and may put a strain on their marriage I don’t think the comment is worth that personally.

Dontlletmedownbruce · Yesterday 22:08

Westernweath · Yesterday 19:47

As someone who has suffered from horrendous IBS for most of my adult life, and tried very hard to keep this secret from most people, to have it revealed on my wedding day was heartbreaking and humiliating. It may seem an over-reaction, but I can assure you I am far from ‘precious’.

I would think your refusal to forgive is much more revealing of your IBS than the comment itself. If someone heard the comment they'd probably eye roll and think it's a lame joke. If they heard you were so upset about it they'd be more likely to think 'hmm why is she so sensitive, maybe she does sit around on the couch farting?'

Dumbledora8 · Yesterday 22:17

Pathetic

Scottishskifun · Yesterday 22:20

Honestly OP I'm with your husband on this. A year for a crass remark is already too long.
You don't have to be best pals with the guy you just need to be civil.

I don't particularly like my DHs best man he tends to make sly little digs at me for my career or random statements about me not being maternal. I either ignore him or simply laugh with a awww your jealous of my job to which he usually flashes red and mumbles something.
My DH handles it with him and will tell him he's bring an idiot.

I recognise the importance to my DH of the friendship though and have found as years go by DH has less friendships so it's important to maintain the ones he has.

SnailandWhal · Yesterday 22:23

OP if it's in your head still I would look at ways to give it less headspace but I think I'd stick to my guns. I think maybe it's petty but his card would be forever marked for me. Maybe if he'd said it on a night out but on your wedding day... nah I'm with you. Let him continue to squirm.

From what I've gleaned from your post I reckon if you gave him a second chance - a few months down the line he'd put his foot in it again.

MsAmerica · Yesterday 22:24

I imagine you're going to have a very difficult time in life if you don't believe people should be forgiven, and you don't believe in second chances.

And for a minor etiquette infraction!

sittingonabeach · Yesterday 22:26

Scottishskifun · Yesterday 22:20

Honestly OP I'm with your husband on this. A year for a crass remark is already too long.
You don't have to be best pals with the guy you just need to be civil.

I don't particularly like my DHs best man he tends to make sly little digs at me for my career or random statements about me not being maternal. I either ignore him or simply laugh with a awww your jealous of my job to which he usually flashes red and mumbles something.
My DH handles it with him and will tell him he's bring an idiot.

I recognise the importance to my DH of the friendship though and have found as years go by DH has less friendships so it's important to maintain the ones he has.

Why does your DH like someone like that?

whyohwhyohwhyohwhyohwhyohwhy · Yesterday 22:28

I bet everyone has to walk on egg shells around you.

Copperoliverbear · Yesterday 22:28

Move on from it.

weirdoboelady · Yesterday 22:28

FFS everybody farts. It's a natural bodily function. I really don't understand why you are still offended (although I probably would have been a little upset on the day. However, I would have hoped I could smile and put on a gracious front, even on the actual day, let alone now.)

This is your DH's BEST FRIEND! Do you really want to affect his social life so much, on the basis of one silly comment?

katepilar · Yesterday 22:35

Dont see why alcohol should be an excuse.

sittingonabeach · Yesterday 22:36

katepilar · Yesterday 22:35

Dont see why alcohol should be an excuse.

Being male also seems to be an excuse