Mother in law overstepping

[Yavannah]

So am I overreacting:
We are on holiday with my husbands family (parents, siblings, grandparents). Tonight at dinner my little one (9 months, our first) was getting towards too tired at dinner but was still cheerful so I was preparing to help him to eat as much as he could and stay as cheerful as possible before getting him whisked off to bed. He was getting a little fussy while everyone was dishing up and sitting down, and out of nowhere my MiL says "oh are you thirsty" and offers him his cup of water, I explained immediately that we generally only offer water after he's eaten something to avoid him filling up on water, then she took the cup away and he lost his mind (which he will do when tired and something he likes is taken away). He wouldn't eat a scrap of dinner and screamed unless actively walked around and distracted. My husband got annoyed as well as his mum kept coming to our end of the table to try (uninvited) to help (offering food etc.). Finally we finish dinner and get to take our baby up for a bath so we can get him fed (milk) and settled. We've just got him out of the bath and she walks into our room! She hung over our shoulders while we got him dried and into a nappy and it was awful, she practically deafened me squealing in my ear trying to cheer the baby up because he literally started screaming as soon as she came in the room. My husband is feeling overwhelmed because she won't back off and I was furious but staying calm. I know she means well, and she is an amazing babysitter in the week while I work, but she has done this kind of thing before (giving him toys in the high chair or nibbles of cake without my permission) and it feels very disrespectful. Am I being unreasonable to expect her to just stay in her lane as the grandma?

But clearly the majority of Mumsnet warriors don't know the up to date baby nutrition advice.

You’ve completely contradicted yourself anyway here, as the advice you quoted says that sips of water was fine. And most people have said “give a few sips and then take the cup away when the baby is distracted.” Which, I’d suggest, would have worked better than your solution.

And I would wager most people on this thread have raised multiple children who aren’t still 2 foot tall/ are nutritionally deficient/ have rickets because they were allowed a bit of water when they were thirsty!

I am sorry but I have to strongly disagree with your post @Credittocress

I am not a Gran or anywhere near Gransnet etc (not sure if that was supposed to be some sort of insult).

I think OP @Yavannah is getting PFB replies because she comes across as lacking in perspective.

FYI @Credittocress I have not been on Mumsnet for 15 years. My youngest is only just 10. However, I have learnt in my (still limited) parenting life that I made absolute mountains out of molehills when I was early into my parenting journey and it needs other more experienced / distanced people to provide the perspective that I was lacking.

These people are on holiday with a 9 month old. Of course the child will be out of routine. Of course eating/drinking routines will be disrupted. It is a blessing to have a loving Grandma who is trying to help; a Grandma who possibly has years of experience with children. Sometimes kids act up. Sometimes family members can be irritating. Balance and humility are really critical in my experience.

I don't know why you have this attitude to your family member @Yavannah
"stay in your lane Grandma". It does not come across well.

One day you will look back on this and possibly be embarrassed. Parenting life is a very long road. You are just at the start.

I think it IS sage advice from the many who suggested, in different ways, that you unclench and realise that there will be many times you need to be flexible. A sip of water at dinner occasionally is not going to harm your baby or ruin whatever routine you've got going. Same as a toy at the table. Honestly, letting your child hold on to/play with something once or twice while you are out is not going to ruin his social skills just like a drink of water occasionally before eating will not set him up for a lifetime of nutritional issues. You've got to use some common sense here.
Inflexibility will do more harm than granny trying to cheer him up or distract him with a cup of water or a toy

Also, there IS validity to the comments about your MIL looking after your child while you work. It's not that you work, many of us do, it's the fact that you place that trust in her every week (and yes, she IS the main caregiver at that time) yet berate her at the table when she is trying to help, in front of everyone. Don't kid yourself that you were just telling her the 'latest nutritional advice'.

Something that wasn't a big deal was made into a big deal when it needn't have been 🤷‍♀️

For the record, I haven't said or done anything in response

Maybe if you and your manchild of husband used your words your MIL might understand what you disliked…… Just a thought.

Baby nutritionists have all advised

How many baby nutritionists (made up thing) is your 9 month old child under, exactly?

Sorry for all the haters you are getting here.

You are allowed to have rules and boundaries for your own child without an in-law (or parent in some cases) butting in and making a situation worse.

I have 100s (feels like it) of stories of things that mil has done. And individually people would say the same thing, that it’s nothing, you are making a big thing out of nothing, it’s because she’s your first. But actually no, it’s because she is an interfering busy body, who thinks she knows best despite science and recommendations moving on.

I would get your husband to have a quiet word tomorrow, and say to just leave you two to parent. If either of you need help you will ask. I mean FFsake, she doesn’t know your baby better than you, no matter how much she may baby sit.

Thankfully there was none of this rubbish online when my children were babies….we just used our critical thinking skills and common sense ie baby thirsty give a drink,baby tired,bedtime blah blah ! My children are all fully functioning adults ,all successful ,happy and not malnourished!

All your stuff about child nutrition, toys, screens, experts is blah and a second child will sort that

Ain't that the truth:)

I'm a mother to young children and not a grannie, you come across as really hostile. Why is coming into your room unacceptable? People aren't going to know every bit of up to date parenting advise, I honestly can see what your MIL did wrong.

Re your first paragraph, that's where your husband needs to step in and ask her to leave you to it. It's so much easier from him, but if he won't tell him you'll have to.

I think this is where the conflict occurs between mils and dils. You're not comfortable enough to drop the politeness, but they're involved in such personal areas of your life (like how you look after your baby, your home) but you can't speak openly to them.

Yes and quite a bit of this advice is aimed at the lowest common denominator. I remember getting very worried about salt when my eldest was young, to the extent that I would use unsalted butter for his food (salted for mine and my partner’s). I once asked the health visitor what the logic was, and she rolled her eyes and said really the very strong guidance on salt was put out because there had been some cases of small babies being weaned on completely inappropriate things like mashed potato with Bisto, which obviously wasn’t great. But that babies actually do need salt just the same as any other person does.

Personally I think the chances of a 9 month old filling themselves up on water when a decent meal is then offered are pretty slim, and has others have said, even if they do it’s really only one meal- they will make up for it at breakfast surely? On a nice family holiday, just let it slide.

And as for the books- they are just a way for people to make money! Treat with a very healthy dose of scepticism.

I was the same with salt. The cogs started turning when I was told my baby could have baked beans with salt in, but I couldn't put salt in food I made from scratch. Apparently the people in the factory know something I don't lol

I wouldn’t have been annoyed at my MiL for offering water during a meal. Perhaps it’s not the ideal order, but it’s a very minor thing. I perhaps wouldn’t have appreciated the further distraction in the bedroom, but it doesn’t sound like a big issue as a one-off. As you say, she babysits for you during the week (I assume you mean a form of regular childcare rather than the odd hour here and there?) so she is used to dealing with the baby herself without you there. It was probably instinct.

Can you just say to her tomorrow that the baby needs calm in the bedroom and you usually don’t have other people doing the bedtime routine and with you? Or maybe save that for if she does it again and it’s really disruptive.

For context, I’m not a granny, or close. Also a mum with a young baby. There are lots of us on here.

Yes and quite a bit of this advice is aimed at the lowest common denominator

I was going to say this exact thing. Baby books are aimed at the complete novice. Nobody picks up a baby book when they have a second child.

Wow OP. What an odd response to your own thread. Most of us likely aren't 'grannies' (not that this would be an issue? You say you wanted 'sage advice' which is a term generally taken to mean 'advice from someone rich in experience or wisdom'... or maybe you're accusing us of siding with your baby's granny?). Mumsnet is actually very diverse these days, and it doesn't really have a 'demographic' as such now. Maybe 20 years ago?

I volunteer at a baby feeding drop-in so I'm pretty up to date with current trends in baby care, plus I do know about infant feeding. Your MIL giving your baby a swig of water at 9 months, minutes before your baby was due to tuck into a solids meal, is really not going to inhibit him from taking in extra calories. Don't you like a drink of water if you're thirsty? I would say that under 12 months, always offer milk (either breast milk or formula) with solid food meals as milk is very calorie-dense compared to most solid foods we tend to offer babies, but a baby is highly unlikely to 'fill up' on water during a meal!

Your MIL babysits during your working week (nothing wrong with that! you're really lucky to have a family member who will do this for you) and therefore knows your baby extremely well. I think that in mind, it's entirely understandable that she's this involved in caring for him. No, I really don't think she's overstepping the mark.

I'm glad you're having a lovely holiday. Try to be less precious about your baby, who is well loved and looked after by several of you, and don't let it spoil your family holiday.

Yes, you would. We would have handed him his arse on a plate. HTH.

I think this is where the conflict occurs between mils and dils. You're not comfortable enough to drop the politeness, but they're involved in such personal areas of your life (like how you look after your baby, your home) but you can't speak openly to them.

That is actually quite insightful. There definitely are enough weird MIL/DIL threads on here that there is certainly some profound reason and this might be getting close.

There is also definitely an element of power play and high seriousness and superiority over "rules" and "boundaries" that comes into it though - and, as with the OP - a tendency to be incapable of accepting that the current obsessions in child raising are going to be out of date and debunked by the time they are a MIL, and thus it was and ever thus shall be.

And I say that as a DIL. There were actually lots of pieces of advice from "The Pros" that volte faced between my first and last baby - and they aren't all that spaced out.

To be fair though, you've got a 9 month old which means you're only just starting to learn how to handle this as well.

If a 9m old isn't bothered about food and is overtired, then stressing about it and trying to get them to eat it's pretty daft tbh. Just make it a slightly earlier bedtime.

Your MIL has done nothing wrong here IMO. I. Almost laughed when you said that giving him a toy was disrespectful.

And yes I'm a mum of not babies, but primary school kids, who eat together with no screens.

Yes they've tightened guidelines on water but as someone with 192 months worth of feeding children compared to your 3, I think you are being silly and need to chill out.

If you really think a man posting this would not have received an absolute scorching, you are even newer to MN than you are to motherhood.

Make a Do Not Disturb sign for your bedroom.
Chances are that your baby is tired and in a new place. MIL means well. Claim your bedroom but also leave LO with her sometimes.

Now @Heronwatcher is clearly the sort of "Pro" you need to be heeding OP.

Distraction, sneakiness and downright underhand is often a brilliant technique with humans still of the more gullible and less knowing variety.

Bet your pro handbook didn't let ya in on that one! 😉

So your MIL is good enough to look after your baby when it saves your household money, but not good enough to offer you and DH some help and support when you are around ?

Have a think about that OP

Is this actually stemming from your own worries about parenting, and /or feeling that your are missing out by leaving baby.

Guaranteed if it was your own mum you would just use your words and ask her not to do the things you don’t like, and would appreciate that she was trying to help

If you want space, pay for childcare and don't go on holiday with her. Simple.

Or, pick your battles and stop being so dramatic?

I have quoted so you get to read this pp's post twice OP!

This couldn't be more true.

Don't burn all your bridges in ignorance and a lack of humility.

You DON'T know it all, no matter how many Pro manuals you have digested and how many Pro nutritionists you have engaged. Telling a Mother's forum that we all have less know-how than you would be offensively arrogant if it were no so hilarious - and believe me, we know how hilarious it really is. Parenting is a skill best learned on the job - especially as every child is different. You just crack it with one, then the next one reacts totally differently, has different nutritional needs or learns differently. But, over time as a hands on parent, you do come to realise which things you need to react to and which things are the ones you can just let roll on by. As they say, "Plus ca change ..."