Mother in law overstepping

[Yavannah]

So am I overreacting:
We are on holiday with my husbands family (parents, siblings, grandparents). Tonight at dinner my little one (9 months, our first) was getting towards too tired at dinner but was still cheerful so I was preparing to help him to eat as much as he could and stay as cheerful as possible before getting him whisked off to bed. He was getting a little fussy while everyone was dishing up and sitting down, and out of nowhere my MiL says "oh are you thirsty" and offers him his cup of water, I explained immediately that we generally only offer water after he's eaten something to avoid him filling up on water, then she took the cup away and he lost his mind (which he will do when tired and something he likes is taken away). He wouldn't eat a scrap of dinner and screamed unless actively walked around and distracted. My husband got annoyed as well as his mum kept coming to our end of the table to try (uninvited) to help (offering food etc.). Finally we finish dinner and get to take our baby up for a bath so we can get him fed (milk) and settled. We've just got him out of the bath and she walks into our room! She hung over our shoulders while we got him dried and into a nappy and it was awful, she practically deafened me squealing in my ear trying to cheer the baby up because he literally started screaming as soon as she came in the room. My husband is feeling overwhelmed because she won't back off and I was furious but staying calm. I know she means well, and she is an amazing babysitter in the week while I work, but she has done this kind of thing before (giving him toys in the high chair or nibbles of cake without my permission) and it feels very disrespectful. Am I being unreasonable to expect her to just stay in her lane as the grandma?

You sound like hard work! Try to chill out and stop being such an unpleasant person.

Sorry main caregiver? Because she has him for a few hours here and there? Nuhuh nope never.

The point is that we did ask her to just leave us to it for a minute, she blatantly ignored us. That's what I'm asking, how do I get the message across without a drama?

Not rude at all! Were I in your position I woud not use my MIL for any baby-sitting when I was working, I would pay the going rate for a stranger to look after your baby then you would have nothing to worry about! Can't see any flaw in that at all.

No the door was shut. I wouldn't have wanted my mum to do it either. Again, it's not about the water, it's about the behaviour afterwards

was getting towards too tired at dinner but was still cheerful so I was preparing to help him to eat as much as he could and stay as cheerful as possible before getting him whisked off to bed.

I don’t understand this.

If he was too tired and you had to keep walking him around to stop him crying - just take him to bed.

As soon as he started getting ‘too tired’, I don’t know why one of you didn’t leave the restaurant and taken him back, quickly fed him and put him to bed.

You’re going out to eat too late if he was tired as soon as you got there.

You and DH were struggling and she tried to help.
It can be annoying when people try and help but you need to remember that it comes with the best intentions.

I always think staying in one house is a recipe for disaster though.

She’s the parent, she’s not asking any other woman to raise her child (funny you are only judging the OP for working and not the child’s dad). The parents decide how to raise their child, the grandma came in and made the baby cry, are you genuinely defending the fact the grandma has the “right” to do this when they were getting the baby ready for bed? Or are you just full of misogyny and trying to upset OP? Maybe your focus should have been on the fact OPs partner doesn’t earn enough for her to be home with the baby all day, let’s make sexist comments about him being a failure 🙄

Maybe just try to have a bit more time just the three of you so you can feel a bit more relaxed and enjoy the holiday more

Sorry main caregiver? Because she has him for a few hours here and there? Nuhuh nope never.

The person caring for your baby when you choose to be absent is, in that period, the main caregiver, unless you expect her to leave him in the car for a few hours.

But you said a nibble of cake? I’m not condoning a whole slice of red velvet but the corner of a bit of Victoria sponge or a bit of flapjack is absolutely fine at 9 months.

It was 6:30 and we were at the house, not sure you've got the point here

“Choose to be absent”

when op and the child’s father are at work, so they can pay bills and buy food etc.

Yet another poster who asks AIBU and when the poll overwhelmingly says Yes come back to tell us how wrong we all are.

If they are so certain they are right why bother asking?

OP, you’re on holiday. Lean in. “Oh MIL thank god you’re here. He just won’t settle”. Hand her screaming baby, run downstairs with DH and get stuck in on the ouzo. Ditto any time she “interferes” or “oversteps”. Be delighted. Leave her to it entirely and have fun.

Well if you said how often she babysat that might help! Lots of people have asked. I had the impression she had him for days/ half days on a regular basis. And who do you think is the main caregiver when you’re not there?

Maybe she ignored you because she was worried about the baby, or she didn’t hear you. Who knows, but you could ask again and be a bit more clear. If she’s such a massive cow that she’s deliberately ignoring you to make things worse then you shouldn’t be leaving your DC with her at all- you can’t have it both ways I am afraid. She’s not a slave to be useful when you need her and told off when you don’t. And no I am not a gran, I have 3 young kids myself.

What’s wrong with putting him to bed at 6.30?

You said she looks after him while you’re at work, she probably is just used to being the one to cheer him up, knows his ways, can tell if he’s thirsty etc. I’m not saying she knows him better than you obviously but she obviously spends a lot of time with him and wanted to help.

Honestly you will look back one day and wonder what you were complaining about.

Oh no not toys in the high chair

Wasting your time I think OP. You are clearly in the wrong because you flounce yourself off to work like the wrong un that you are and you don’t let MIL make all baby based decisions because she has him a couple of hours a week.

You are the problem. Your MIL did nowt wrong. Hopefully your son won't end up with a precious partner. Karma..
.

I think its a mix of YABU and YANBU.
The water bit - I don't think she meant any harm, and if as you say, she doesn't do meals with him then she will be used to just offering water at times.
However, the coming into your room and hovering about whilst you are trying to settle and overtired baby, isn't ideal.
Perhaps a chat afterwards about how going forward, would she mind just letting you guys settle him. You've found it's easier if no one else tries to get involved as he gets over stimulated etc, when he sees other people.
Juat a simple "please don't do that....because xyz" chat after the event should be ok. Heap praise on how grateful you are for her help at other times - just so she doesn't feel rejected.

The child’s parents also know how to cheer him up and his routine. He only needed cheering up because her MIL decided to come through the closed door, uninvited into their bedroom and interrupt him getting ready for bed.

I’m not saying they don’t, just saying MIL thought she was helping. Also she probably was right about him being thirsty!

Instead I'm expected to smile and lump it?

Who is expecting that of you? And why?

You are sending mixed messages a little in your posts, first you said that she offered water because he was being fussy, then she took the cup away and he went crazy over it.. sounds innocuous enough, but in a later post you say that she wouldn't back off about the water when your DH asked her to and he now feels hurt?

In laws can be annoying with outdated advice and occasionally overstepping, but I think people are defending her because she seems to be trying to help and you are completely rejecting her help.. but in the same breath happy to accept her help when it suits you (no offence meant by that), but that in itself can also cause mixed signals for her too, which is why issues like this come up.. she feels it is her place to help as she is used to having him, but you don't want her help when you are there as you feel undermined.

The fact that neither of you seem able to communicate this with her is only ever going to cause you problems with resentment, you need to learn to be honest with her if you want a decent relationship going forward, she isn't a mind reader, and would not realise that she is overstepping your boundaries by trying to help.

It sounds like you are heading for a confrontation or to give her the silent treatment, and honestly, that's just not fair at all.. why do you feel you are you unable to have any sort of conversation about any of this stuff with her?

I’ve learned with my MIL not to explain my reasoning because then she thinks it’s a discussion and will assume she can carry on as she likes because she’s told me her opinion and it’s better than mine 🙄 simple, “please don’t give him water right now” “please leave us to do bedtime” “please knock before coming in” it’s made a difference for me.

For sure your MIL was irritating to keep butting in when you were feeding and bathing your son. Very irritating.
As for your more general remarks about not wanting to listen to older women including your MIL - that is a bit much when she is doing substantial amounts of free childcare for you. If she's that bad, pay for childcare from someone nearer your own age whose opinions you respect.

and OP was probably right about not wanting him to fill up on water.