Mother in law overstepping

[Yavannah]

So am I overreacting:
We are on holiday with my husbands family (parents, siblings, grandparents). Tonight at dinner my little one (9 months, our first) was getting towards too tired at dinner but was still cheerful so I was preparing to help him to eat as much as he could and stay as cheerful as possible before getting him whisked off to bed. He was getting a little fussy while everyone was dishing up and sitting down, and out of nowhere my MiL says "oh are you thirsty" and offers him his cup of water, I explained immediately that we generally only offer water after he's eaten something to avoid him filling up on water, then she took the cup away and he lost his mind (which he will do when tired and something he likes is taken away). He wouldn't eat a scrap of dinner and screamed unless actively walked around and distracted. My husband got annoyed as well as his mum kept coming to our end of the table to try (uninvited) to help (offering food etc.). Finally we finish dinner and get to take our baby up for a bath so we can get him fed (milk) and settled. We've just got him out of the bath and she walks into our room! She hung over our shoulders while we got him dried and into a nappy and it was awful, she practically deafened me squealing in my ear trying to cheer the baby up because he literally started screaming as soon as she came in the room. My husband is feeling overwhelmed because she won't back off and I was furious but staying calm. I know she means well, and she is an amazing babysitter in the week while I work, but she has done this kind of thing before (giving him toys in the high chair or nibbles of cake without my permission) and it feels very disrespectful. Am I being unreasonable to expect her to just stay in her lane as the grandma?

Water with dinner. You shouldn't be giving him it after. Grandma was right. You need to lighten up op.

You're making mountains out of molehills OP - your MIL didn't really do much wrong here, she offered a drink and tried to help when baby was tired and fussy. Slightly annoying but hardly the end of the world.

Im with you OP, unsolicited "help" is really NOT helpful! "Too many cooks" spring to mind!
It's unnecessary, interfering and undermining and makes an "on the edge" situation turn into a super stressful situation!

She sounds annoying. I don’t think it’s overstepping so much as just irritating. Nothing worse than when you’re trying to perform a task and have someone looking over your shoulder.

I think there’s a bit of an issue on mumsnet now where people have been members for 15 years and haven’t graduated to gransnet (because it’s shite) but where mums and new mums come here asking for support you get a load of grans or soon to be grans piling on claiming the behaviour is ok…because they are normalising or seeing their own behaviour.

comes with comments like precious first born…I read as I did the same, but now my kids 18 I see things differently and am starting to think about how I want to interact with their children so my boundaries are shifting

yes, this.

It's a rental cottage so all one big house. Thank you for seeing how someone walking into my bedroom uninvited might be unhelpful at a tense time, it seems like a lot of people here think that's acceptable behaviour!

Thank you, I didn't even know what "PFB" meant until you wrote this

I think the ideal in this situation is to be comfortable with your mil enough to be able to say ‘can you just leave me to it Lynda? He doesn’t need all this fuss. I just need to get him to settle.’

I’d hope my dil could tell me to back off if she was agitated and no hard feelings, we’d still be friends. That’s a healthy rekationship dynamic. Things get fraught - shit happens occasionally - but if it’s over something small like this, family forgive each other

Wow well you're rude

@Yavannah I honestly don't see what your Mil did wrong here. You are stressed out so I think she gets on your nerves. If it had been your mum I'm sure you wouldn't mind. Ok, she walked into your room but the baby was crying so she knew there wasn't something sexual happening and she just wanted to help. Why don't you let her? If she's trusted to babysit during the week (and saving big times on costs for you) then surely you can let her interact with your baby on holidays?

My Mil is lovely but she can get on my nerves (just like any other person) when we spend too much time together. But I know that's a me thing because she's really lovely. Try to no be unfair- she sounds like a devoted helpful grandma.

I have similar in-laws so i sympathise. And she certainly shouldn’t be wandering in to your bedroom! It’s good you and your dh are on the same page though

No OP it's not actually rude. Sounds like you've been stressed and uptight.

Not going to bother replying to everyone who has implied or outright said insulting things, but you've done an epic job revealing the demographic of Mumsnet! Yes I work, I have to, yes she is an amazing babysitter and we have a good relationship, no I'm not implying I'm going to cut her out of my life for this, but on this occasion I felt like she simply did not get the message to let me take care of my own child. I wasn't stressed by the holiday or looking for a break from the baby, I had a breeze of a day and due to being a working mum I relish the opportunity to bath my child and spend time with him, even if he's having a bad day. I do think I'm entitled to privacy in my own bedroom and for my parenting rules to be respected.

Baby nutritionists have all advised only to offer sips of water with meals as babies will easily drink too much and not eat enough, I wasn't saving the water for after the meal only for when he had eaten a little to actually need the water. But clearly the majority of Mumsnet warriors don't know the up to date baby nutrition advice. Similarly most pros will tell you to keep toys away from the table, the same as screens and other devices, because they are distracting and harmful to learning social skills (but most people won't recognise that these days because so few families actually eat at the table without their phones).

For the record, I haven't said or done anything in response, this was a chance to get some sage advice. Most of you failed miserably, as another commenter has noted I guess you're mostly grannies now who think anything a child or child in law says against you is the end of the world. If I wanted that advice I'd have asked my husband's grandma!

Lol I hope your DiLs are having nice nights away from you if you say things like "and she looks after him while you work" and "don't project, just go to bed"

I feel the same way.

To clarify he wasn't crying until after she came in, I want stressed out either until she literally started hovering over my shoulder. Lol if it had been my own mum I'd have told her where to go rather than just sweeping it under the rug to get through dinner!

I'm not sure why people think I have an issue with her interacting with the baby, my issue is with her actively doing things I've told her not to do. I love her playing with the baby etc. whenever, but I feel like if mum says "please don't do that" it should be respected. I mean doesn't that apply to literally every scenario?

You're probably right it's not a big deal, it just feels like a pattern of behaviour I could do without... No means no right?

I've got an 8 month old and I think you're being ridiculous. If that helps. And yes, I've read all the same baby nutrition articles as you.

Fraid not op. You’ve just grasped one response and clung to it, in an attempt to dismiss everyone else’s opinion. I’m not old or anywhere near a grandma. Your mil did nothing wrong, and you have treated her unpleasantly. Poor woman.

Hmm yeah you kind of ruined it here 🤣

look, most people get it. Grandparents can be annoying and especially when you’re all staying somewhere together. Best advice is take a deep breath and mutter your debrief together in whispers after bedtime. It’s normal.

Totally irrelevant question

I haven't treated her unpleasantly, we quietly went to bed and she evidently has no clue we are even upset lol

Doesn't sound like you like her or maybe you feel like your in competition? She was being a nan and trying to help. I hope your future dil is nice to you. If you think your mil cant sense this, then you are wrong.

Very relevant. She may be used to settling/distracting him if she does more than one morning a week.

Normal, but not healthy. It's my husband who wants to avoid her tomorrow not me, so she's actually hurt him more than me as the DiL. I wonder if I would have had the same responses if this had been written as "I'm a dad and this is what my mum did to upset me"...?

This is a very weird retort. Why do you think most people who are responding are grannies? Is it because they’re saying you’re overreacting and for some reason you are assuming they are older (like your MIL) whereas everyone your age would agree? The reality is that you asked whether you’re overreacting. Most people think yes you are based on what you’ve said. In response you’ve been incredibly rude to some posters. Take a look in the mirror before insulting others.

for the record I have three children under 7 (I had three under three). Water during dinner is fine. Trying to distract a crying baby is also fine. Walking into someone else’s bedroom is not fine but doesn’t mean she needs to “stay in her lane as a grandmother”. HTH.