Mother in law overstepping

[Yavannah]

So am I overreacting:
We are on holiday with my husbands family (parents, siblings, grandparents). Tonight at dinner my little one (9 months, our first) was getting towards too tired at dinner but was still cheerful so I was preparing to help him to eat as much as he could and stay as cheerful as possible before getting him whisked off to bed. He was getting a little fussy while everyone was dishing up and sitting down, and out of nowhere my MiL says "oh are you thirsty" and offers him his cup of water, I explained immediately that we generally only offer water after he's eaten something to avoid him filling up on water, then she took the cup away and he lost his mind (which he will do when tired and something he likes is taken away). He wouldn't eat a scrap of dinner and screamed unless actively walked around and distracted. My husband got annoyed as well as his mum kept coming to our end of the table to try (uninvited) to help (offering food etc.). Finally we finish dinner and get to take our baby up for a bath so we can get him fed (milk) and settled. We've just got him out of the bath and she walks into our room! She hung over our shoulders while we got him dried and into a nappy and it was awful, she practically deafened me squealing in my ear trying to cheer the baby up because he literally started screaming as soon as she came in the room. My husband is feeling overwhelmed because she won't back off and I was furious but staying calm. I know she means well, and she is an amazing babysitter in the week while I work, but she has done this kind of thing before (giving him toys in the high chair or nibbles of cake without my permission) and it feels very disrespectful. Am I being unreasonable to expect her to just stay in her lane as the grandma?

I think you posted in the wrong section OP. You posted in AIBU and quite a few people said yes, you need to chill out.

Sounds like you should have posted in the could everyone please
agree with me topic if that’s the response you were after.

For your own sanity, please just chill out.

was the door open? I don't know I can't really see anything other than helpfulness. Isnit just her or would your mum be able to come and help? The cup thing well you said yourself he gets mad if it's taken away - maybe a quick empty of 3/4 and let him have it back would have been better? He's 9 months not a tiny baby.

Why shouldn't he have water? Or a piece of cake? And why not let MiL bathe him? She looks after him when you want a babysitter and she is just being a grandma. Thank your lucky stars she helpful and engaged unlike some grandmothers. She will give you a break from the baby if you let her.

Agreed. I am mum to an 8 month old and I’d be annoyed with my MIL doing what yours has done. I’ve learned to be firm but also to pick my battles.

Door open or not why would an adult walk into another persons bedroom unasked? It’s not helpful behaviour

I'm not a granny and I read all the way to the end of your post where you described your MIL giving your baby a toy as disrespectful. That's batshit.

I say this kindly but you are massively over reacting - presumably because of tiredness of being on holiday with a baby. Its bloody tiring being away from home when they are little.

Offering your baby water is absolutely not what caused the tired meltdown - and please don't deny your child water it has nothing to do with their appetite.

coming down and offering to help is just her being a grandma? Presumably she raised your husband okay?!

You are tired - you will forget this in the future! nothing she has done sounds beyond the pale.

Cake for a 9 month old???

she is an amazing babysitter in the week while I work

It sounds like she looks after him a few days a week, so she will be extra invested in his well being.

Please look at it from her perspective, the baby she loves and cares for was unhappy and she would be used to managing him on her own during the week.

Your baby started screaming as soon as grandma went into the room?

Well, I’d have let your DS have a sip of water this time, OP, as the alternative was screaming.
And I do know the advice, but a bit of common sense has to come into play as well.

My husband is feeling overwhelmed because she won't back off and I was furious but staying calm
I wonder if your DH is more stressed because he can feel the tension emanating from you towards his mother? Just a possibility.

It is stressful to be on holidays with ILs. Hope everything goes smoothly from now on and you all enjoy the break.

Good god OP, HUGE dose of self- reflection needed on your part. Seriously.

You sound like an absolute nightmare and you need to walk in her shoes for a moment.
From your description she did not one thing wrong.

I think holidays with little ones are difficult. I think you are probably overreacting a little.

Print your post. Put it aside. Reread it at some point in the future when you're well past the baby stage. You will roll your eyes.

You're right I am being prickly, feeling a bit attacked because I have the nerve to go to work and let my mother in law look after the baby because she basically begged to, and apparently some posters think I have no right to privacy if someone's intentions are good 😔 I genuinely wanted people to advise "talk to her" or "this is what I did in a similar situation", so being called precious (when yes my one and only baby is a bit special to me and I'm feeling embarrassed as fuck cos my MiL just waltzed in and saw me flushed and damp with my open suitcase still knackered the floor) stings a bit

OP I can sympathise with you over the water before food incident - my MIL did the same thing EVERY time we went out, then complained that the kids didn't eat anything! The upshot was unsettled, tired and hungry kids within an hour but if I could get a 'doggie bag' for later that helped.

I actually didn’t mean it to be rude, but I appreciate it may have come across that way - we were all like it once though and I can laugh about it now. You’re tired, stressed, worried about doing everything “right” - by the time I’d had my second i had lightened up considerably.
there are some good threads on here about the outright bonkers things some of us did with our first (and mine are still quite young) - quite funny to read back once you are out of the trenches.
babies are hard, especially your first, but unless there is a massive drip feed coming your MIL appears to be trying to be helpful and it’s just not landing. Maybe because of pre-existing issues in your relationship or maybe because there is a touch of the tired, first time parents going on.
either way, your post doesn’t really make it sound like your MIL has done much wrong to me.

Yeah thank you, that's not right?

YABU. Firstly just let him have a sip of water and then surreptitiously take the cup when he’s distracted. The other stuff (toys, nibble of cake) is a non issue. Secondly she was trying to help, either accept the help or say something polite like “actually MIL would you mind leaving us to it for 5 min, I think he’ll calm down if it’s just us- he’s too excited to see you. If we need help I will give you a yell.” No need for all this drama. @Thirdly if she’s babysitting regularly she has her own relationship with him and you can’t really expect her to be his main caregiver one minute, and just ignore him the next- basically this is her lane!

Yeah, he was fine until then (on this occasion, he usually smiles when he sees her)

I can only imagine the conversations the family have about you when you're not around OP.

Huge overreaction and total lack of gratitude for the time and effort your MIL puts into caring for your child, or do you think she should be grateful for the opportunity? Don't expect another woman to raise your child but have no entitlement to any opinions on how that child should be raised.

Mines the same, such little things that sound insignificant on their own, but when it’s a pattern of you being undermined and constant inconveniences it builds up to be exhausting. My baby sleeps much better when fed well, wanting him to be left to eat his meal isn’t a case of pfb, it’s simply wanting to feed your baby. The term pfb is used by people that want to put you in your place to deflect from the fact they can’t handle you wanting to do things your own way.

I understand OP that little things can seem big when you are tired and stressed with a baby. My MIL is amazing but when my 2 were babies (they are 7 and 10 now) she looked after them 2 days a week and she did things like give them baby biscuits, cake when we asked her not too, let them nap at 4pm because they fell asleep late, bought them cheap plastic toys from magazines etc but I know she absolutely meant no harm by it and she was doing us a massive favour (they went to daycare 2 of the other days and honestly they were so much happier at their grandparents but it wouldn't have been fair to ask them to do any more days). Looking after kids is really really tough and we appreciate her so much for it. It's natural to be annoyed and it's fine to have a kind conversation with her but you are very lucky to have an invested MIL who wants to help. And kindly we were over the top with our first, read all the books, took everything so seriously, rigid with routines, second came along and we realised how uptight we were 😂. We didn't have the time or the energy to ration water. Try to remember she loves your little one and how lucky he is to have so many people that loves him and wants to help him.

Trust me I have read some shocking posts about how mother in laws behave and how much they have overstepped and this is not one of them. Yabu. Slightly annoying for you I can see but I don't think she has overstepped

Oh you’re not being grateful enough to your mum in law. At all. God love her. Be kinder to her.