Avoid mother-in-law’s funeral?

[Notagainagaindd]

Husband‘s family is very overwhelming and toxic. Mother-in-law was okay but also awful. I really don’t want to drive eight hours with toxic sister-in-law and husband and his father who has dementia, (who I look after as husband works full-time and of course as I only work part-time, I get to be the main carer. )
I wasn’t going to go, but husband has asked if I would help with the drive. He never normally wants me to drive, but obviously this is different. He said I don’t need to go to the funeral. I don’t want to go because it will remind me of my mum.
I also feel overwhelmed by this family.
I guess I have to go, to help husband drive. His sister lives in America. I’m not sure why she can’t help with the driving, but I guess if she’s come from America and jetlagged and sad. Neither of the children like their mother who was considered narcissistic by my husband‘s therapist, but obviously she is still there Mum❤️.
AIBU to avoid the funeral and spend the time doing something nicer. I’m thinking a spa! But I can see that wouldn’t go down too well.
I also don’t want to go for the drinks afterwards.
Maybe I could help with a driving and then catch a cold or something.
AIBU? Advice welcome!

The man she cares for will be in the car. It's the mothers funeral.

Yes I realised it was the mother in law's funeral after I posted.

Agreed.

I'd try to go by train or fly and then hire a car (even if they all say its too expensive- that's when I would refuse to go!) because if FIL has dementia that is a LONG journey for him. Are you all going to stay overnight? They need to think this through in terms of someone who has dementia and likes routine or can get disregulated.
Its only natural that this will bring up emotions about your DM's funeral.. but generally funerals are just a fairly serious ceremony, and then an extended gathering.. which is usually just a crowd of people who haven't all met up for a while, saying the same general stuff. Walking in the grounds to get fresh air if it all gets too much, will be a good idea. The anticipation is almost always worse than the actual event.

When you get back, have the talk with DH about what to do with FIL.
When you have this talk, I'd be considering the following

• This situation is costing you money in lost and un-compensated for salary and also time that could be spent elsewhere and that impacts what care YOU will be able to afford when you are as old as FIL.
• Did you choose to work part time for a different reason? If it was for a different reason, then has that gone by the wayside?
• You are giving up a full time salary, impacting your career, lesser National insurance contributions, not paying as much into your private pension etc.. no free time.

That is fine if it is something you CHOSE to do, but not if it was just imposed on you without anyone considering your needs.

What practical help has been organised for you to assist you with caring for him?
Or has it all been left up to you? Do you have a cleaner, or other help to take over things you previously had time for? a carers allowance, or any other help to lessen this burden or does it all fall on you. Dementia is a progressive disease. How long do they envisage the situation continuing. What plans have the two of them got for managing his condition in the future. Maybe its not such a bad idea for them to have two 8 hour journeys and an event to attend with him... they will see how much you do and also its probably more focussed time for them to understand his condition (which people often don't want to really acknowledge and want to pretend that everything is OK, or not that bad)
Perhaps you might want to talk to Age Concern for advice on what support you can get for FIL. But then again. Maybe your DH and SIL should be doing that!
Hope you find a way to do this that works for you @Notagainagaindd Best wishes

YANBU to refuse to go, OP. Pretty sure you're the poster who was progressively pushed into being the main carer for FiL even though you didn't really want to be, but the standard of care you DH would provide was heartbreaking and you were too kind to put the hard boundaries in place that would have given you the freedom you wanted. You posted a couple of threads at the time?

In any case, your DH appears to lean on you for emotional support while providing you with very little. Are you supposed to be working the day of the funeral? Even if not, and especially given he has SiL with him (he can put her on the insurance for the trip), I wouldn't blame you for not wanting to further open the wound of his lack of support for you over your mother's death.