Avoid mother-in-law’s funeral?

[Notagainagaindd]

Husband‘s family is very overwhelming and toxic. Mother-in-law was okay but also awful. I really don’t want to drive eight hours with toxic sister-in-law and husband and his father who has dementia, (who I look after as husband works full-time and of course as I only work part-time, I get to be the main carer. )
I wasn’t going to go, but husband has asked if I would help with the drive. He never normally wants me to drive, but obviously this is different. He said I don’t need to go to the funeral. I don’t want to go because it will remind me of my mum.
I also feel overwhelmed by this family.
I guess I have to go, to help husband drive. His sister lives in America. I’m not sure why she can’t help with the driving, but I guess if she’s come from America and jetlagged and sad. Neither of the children like their mother who was considered narcissistic by my husband‘s therapist, but obviously she is still there Mum❤️.
AIBU to avoid the funeral and spend the time doing something nicer. I’m thinking a spa! But I can see that wouldn’t go down too well.
I also don’t want to go for the drinks afterwards.
Maybe I could help with a driving and then catch a cold or something.
AIBU? Advice welcome!

Well, the OP won't need to worry about that, since either party can now get a divorce by certifying that the marriage has irretrievably broken down.

In your situation OP, I think I would go to the funeral, but mentally focus on the fact that you won't have to deal with this person any more. And yes, a conversation about caring responsibilities and how your FIL can best be looked after does need to be had, though maybe not the day after the funeral.

Normally I’d say of course you should go to support DH.
But this sounds like you are having the life sucked out of you by DH and his family, and I’m wondering what’s going on when you can’t explain why DH didn’t go to your mothers funeral, and why you are the one looking after FiL. You refer to DH being at work, and you working part time, but I can tell you that most men would take a day off for their partners parent’s funeral, and that I would work full time rather than being the go-to carer for someone else’s parent.
You made a passing comment about your DH being disparaging about your driving, yet wanting you to share the drive on this trip.
There’s a lot more going on here than you have said, and it’s sounding like you have very little personal autonomy.

What's wrong with the marriage is that she is being used as an unpaid carer for someone else's relative. Years of exploitation will eventually produce resentment, though sometimes it takes longer than it should.

I'd help them with the driving then book myself into a spa but tell DH you're doing something boring like going to the gym 💐❤️

Baby the rain must fall. In a relationship especially being married, sacrifices should be made. Suck it up buttercup and be with your husband, at his side, during his grief.

what a shame OP didn't say "suck it up buttercup" to her husband when he refused to go to her mother's funeral. Or when he dumped the care of his dad onto her.

Doesn’t sound to me like you and your husband are a team, so I would go to a spa.

You are very lucky not to have any understanding of childhood emotional abuse

Drive and if anyone is a pain kick them out to walk

Almost everyone has ACEs it doesn't excuse how they get to treat other people in adulthood.

Just be a grown up. Sometimes we have to do hard things.

No.

Don't go. If FIL needs "changing" or anything else and your DH and his Sis are too upset to help him, it will all come back to you.

You're not responsible for FIL.

If you do go, earphones and no assistance when you get there - you're essentially a chauffeur for the day and NOT his carer.

Well in a black and white way of thinking that's true. But life isn't black and white. There isn't a switch that flips at adulthood which blocks our emotional responses which are conditioned through abuse because we now have greater responsibility, impulse control, knowledge etc. And we all carry our (damaged) child version of ourselves through life. The early years shape how we interpret and interact with the world. Unlearning what we learned to be true in childhood is hard work. The adult with the ACEs that continue to affect them would be responsible for taking steps to work through their issues. That's done in therapy. The people around them can stay or leave as they wish.

I completely get where you're coming from - my daughter's father died and I really didn't want to go to the funeral because, quite frankly, he was a prick and we didn't get close to his family. It was fairly excruciating, but I did go to support my daughter.

Much as it's going to be an unpleasant experience for you I think you should go to support your husband.

Hi OP,

I'm sorry to hear about your MIL's death and the stress of the funeral. I'm posting to say I hope you are getting Carer's Allowance for looking after your FIL, and that I think you definitely need to have a family conversation about what's going to happen when he gets worse.

I'm saying this as someone who looked after my own FIL with dementia. For some time, it was fairly straightforward - cooking, light cleaning, and answering 500 questions/providing reassurance. Once he became doubly incontinent, that was a step I couldn't deal with. We wound up employing carers. The house often reeked of bodily fluids. Dementia is a cruel disease and one that can't be borne alone. Don't let anyone say "oh, it's just a few extra hours..." it's HARD WORK especially when they start sundowning. Sorry don't mean to be a downer here at all, I just found our situation terribly difficult and my inlaws were not toxic at all, would hate to see you undervalue yourself because your family expects you to take up the increasing burden of care that should never fall on one set of shoulders.

I can completely understand why you don't want to go OP. It sounds like your relationship with your ILs isn't great and from your replies maybe your marriage has issues as well. Personally I think the fact your DH didn't go to your DM funeral should have made you take a massive step back in ever helping with my your in laws, and even your marriage. I don't think I could have stayed married to my DH if he had done this when my mother died (unless there are extenuating circumstances somehow). Sounds like you give a lot, do you get anything positive from your marraige?

In saying the above, generally I would say a funeral isn't the time to put your foot down about feeling taken advantage of. If you can, go and be there for your DH even he couldn't do it for you.

Op, I am angry for you. Your husband refused to support you when your own mum died, but now, not only expect to you to care for his father, but expects you to help him drive to the other end of the country , to bury his toxic mother.

Of course he should deal with any poo in pants - he should be doing that at any time, rather than leaving it to his wife.

I get that, for your own self respect, sharing the drive is the right thing to do. But once that’s behind you, please consider counselling, for yourself, as to why you put up with this .

Trust me, I too am married to a man whose childhood was damaged by a narc mother and a father who turned a blind eye, but I do not remain silent when his past trauma threatens his current family.

Wishing you inner strength abd peace as you navigate this.

So is this a tit for tat situation? I'm sorry your DH wasn't there to support you when your mum died, but having to work is different than just not wanting to.

With everything you said I would sit this one out. You're meant to be driving and most likely looking after FIL the whole time. I would feel very used in your shoes. Your husband is supported by his family and there will be more friends and family at the funeral. I would let them sort it between them and use the time to recuperate and decide how you want your life to look like going forward.

The poor husband who thinks OP should be the carer for FIL. Who didn't go to OP's mum's funeral

Can FIL cope with the drive. My DM has dementia there is no way she could cope with that journey

Driving him is a good compromise. Drive him, be pleasant, and do your own thing.

That changes everything.

Don't go. You're doing more than enough by caring for his father.

Eight hour drive for a funeral of a man you cared for? Did you do that drive every day?

Sorry, its the MILs funeral but why would the drive be so far?