Avoid mother-in-law’s funeral?

[Notagainagaindd]

Husband‘s family is very overwhelming and toxic. Mother-in-law was okay but also awful. I really don’t want to drive eight hours with toxic sister-in-law and husband and his father who has dementia, (who I look after as husband works full-time and of course as I only work part-time, I get to be the main carer. )
I wasn’t going to go, but husband has asked if I would help with the drive. He never normally wants me to drive, but obviously this is different. He said I don’t need to go to the funeral. I don’t want to go because it will remind me of my mum.
I also feel overwhelmed by this family.
I guess I have to go, to help husband drive. His sister lives in America. I’m not sure why she can’t help with the driving, but I guess if she’s come from America and jetlagged and sad. Neither of the children like their mother who was considered narcissistic by my husband‘s therapist, but obviously she is still there Mum❤️.
AIBU to avoid the funeral and spend the time doing something nicer. I’m thinking a spa! But I can see that wouldn’t go down too well.
I also don’t want to go for the drinks afterwards.
Maybe I could help with a driving and then catch a cold or something.
AIBU? Advice welcome!

I'd go as a support to your husband. Whatever you think of MIL, it'll be a difficult day for him and I can't imagine not being by my husbands side. You aren't there to remember MIL, you're there to support DH.

How would you feel if the roles were reversed?

Would you not go to support your husband?
If I was travelling that distance I would attend the service.

You go for your husband, OP. If he wants you there with him, you go. I think for a couple of hours you can put your own feelings to one side and concentrate on him.

Me again, sorry. I also think that husband and sister-in-law need to renegotiate their relationship as it’s now changed. The sister-in-law used to triangulate with the mother and it got really peculiar. It always felt like a game that we were losing, but we never knew the rules . Maybe I’m just looking for excuses.!

I couldn’t be in a spa whilst my husband was at his mums funeral, regardless of their relationship? Sometimes we have to put our own feelings to one side to support our partners.

Nobody wants to go to a funeral, toxic family or not.

The dynamics here sound very hard. I would attend to support your DH. I do understand though that it will be hard.

You want to sit in a spa whilst your DH attends his mother’s funeral? Are you always self centred or just when it comes to the important stuff?

Support your DH. Attend, definitely.

The undesired caring role is another conversation, one to be had after the funeral. The care needs to be sorted out properly. YANBU there.

Thanks, I know you are all right. I guess I’m a bit wierded as husband didn’t come to my mother‘s as he was working.

If SIL lives in America surely it's unlikely you'll have loads to do with her now MIL is dead?

I think you need to focus on what your DH wants and needs right now.

You go and support your husband. Unless you don't like him too.

That's appalling. Your in laws aren't the only toxic ones....

I think this is how generational emotional abuse happens.
Your DHs mum was considered to be narcissistic by your DHs therapist.

You want to do something nice like go to a spa while your DH is at her funeral instead of standing next to him offering whatever support you can provide.

That would be a selfish and odd thing to do for a person with no narcissistic traits.

Your DH will have conflicting and ambivalent thoughts and feelings about his mother if she was narcissistic, and he needed to speak about her in therapy. Loosing a person who society says you are supposed to love unconditionally when it was never actually that straightforward is very hard and painful in a different way to "normal" grief. Don't underestimate how much your DH needs you to focus on him

Do you understand why he made that choice? Does he?

I think this is one of those situations you sign up for in a marriage. There are people whose funerals I would not attend. We are NC with MIL’s partner, for example. He’s an awful, controlling man who has spent time in prison for serious sexual offences. I won’t set foot in a room with him, even if he’s dead.

But you generally were okay with your MIL. You go, sit down, support your Dh, mingle about for a few minutes and leave. I wouldn’t attend the wake, at least not for longer than a cup of tea and I’d leave when I was done. Dh could stay if he wanted and I could collect him later. But I would go and be there for him.

Is there more context here? Like was it very early in your relationship, is it a job he wouldn't have got time off for?

Unless your DH's work is actually months-long stints on a submarine, him not going to your own mother's funeral makes me wonder about your relationship too. But that's for another day. If you don't want to go to his mother's funeral for revenge, put those feelings to one side and go. If you don't want to go because it will set off your grief about your own mother and you won't be support, go for a walk around thr grounds and be there when the family come out. Don't go to a spa FFS unless you are actively looking for WW3.

Do you have children of your own? Would they want your support there?

I’m sorry, what? Your husband did not attend your Mum’s funeral because he was working! What does he do for a living? Brain surgeon, Prime Minister, head of MI5?

The family dynamic is going to change now, she is dead. It's like you think you are going to her birthday party not funeral. Absolutely 100% you should go and put all thoughts and feelings to the side for a few hours. It's hardly a big ask in a marriage. It's not like his mother will die again. I can't believe your Dh didn't go to your mothers funeral either. You all sound very odd

Sorry OP but your husband needs YOU. We all have to do things in life that we don't want to do and that cause us to be emotionally fragile. Please go to the funeral, he needs your support especially with the relationship with his sister needing resetting.

Thank you. That makes a lot of sense. I think I’m just worn out and fed up, we have looked looked after father-in-law for two years, and he has been living with us since June. think I’m just fed up with them.
ill go for husband. I know I have to. Just hoping not to!

Go to the spa on the weekend as a treat to yourself after supporting your husband.

Agree the caring situation needs sorting though. I don't blame you for not wanting to go to the funeral.

Just go for your husband

Don't underestimate how much the experience of having a narcissistic mother can screw with your sense of what is normal, fair, safe, expected, generous or selfish in all your other relationships.
Hopefully the OPs DH has been able to work through some of this in therapy and has some understanding of what was behind his decision making, and has acknowledged the impact of not supporting his wife. Or if he's not there yet, is still in therapy

Can you explain more about why your Dh didn’t come to your Dms funeral? That would be really influencing my decision here