Avoid mother-in-law’s funeral?

[Notagainagaindd]

Husband‘s family is very overwhelming and toxic. Mother-in-law was okay but also awful. I really don’t want to drive eight hours with toxic sister-in-law and husband and his father who has dementia, (who I look after as husband works full-time and of course as I only work part-time, I get to be the main carer. )
I wasn’t going to go, but husband has asked if I would help with the drive. He never normally wants me to drive, but obviously this is different. He said I don’t need to go to the funeral. I don’t want to go because it will remind me of my mum.
I also feel overwhelmed by this family.
I guess I have to go, to help husband drive. His sister lives in America. I’m not sure why she can’t help with the driving, but I guess if she’s come from America and jetlagged and sad. Neither of the children like their mother who was considered narcissistic by my husband‘s therapist, but obviously she is still there Mum❤️.
AIBU to avoid the funeral and spend the time doing something nicer. I’m thinking a spa! But I can see that wouldn’t go down too well.
I also don’t want to go for the drinks afterwards.
Maybe I could help with a driving and then catch a cold or something.
AIBU? Advice welcome!

What?! I mean, my db needed a copy of my mum’s death certificate for his boss/to get bereavement leave, but he’s in Oz, so possibly how it works given he’s going to be away for more than a few days, obviously. Surely it’s standard to be given the day off for a close family member’s death?

If I were you, I’d suck it up, do the drive, support your DH. Mine is driving 5 hours to go to my dm’s funeral, even tho he couldn’t stand her. It’s not about her, it’s about your partner.

On another note, tho, I would be asking him to sort out care for his df, it’s not your job to look after him, sounds like he might need to be in a specialist home. Looking after someone with dementia is incredibly difficult.

My bloke’s ex refused to go to either of his parents’ funerals. It was cited as part of his unreasonable behaviour divorce grounds.

You should have put the fact he didn't attend your DM's funeral in your OP. I think the comments would have been very different.

Is public transport out of the question? Then you’re not stuck in a car with them and your husband doesn’t have to drive.

thanks waffle.
Exactly this. A mil and SIL with narcissistic tendencies has made relationships with my husband and my family really complicated. It’s not something you can clearly see but something that drips slowly. and it’s not until you look back, that you see the chain of events and how destructive it has been.

Whilst I think the Op should attend the service to be supportive she is also looking after his Dad. She's hardly shirking her responsibilities, if anything she's taken on more than most of his family.

That wasn’t the point I made.

tbh i would go with my DH to support him, but make sure that he and his sister are doing all the caring for their dad during this trip.

And for this occasion i would support your DH, who you presumably love, through the funeral. He doesn't know how it is going to hit him and he may need you there.

Then when you get back home your brother and his father arrange carers for him and you step right back from that. It is not your job, it is especially not your job that gets thrust on you.

Wow. speechless. I can't comprehend why you wouldn't be there to support your DH, drive all the way there and back for him, be by his side.

You need to look at your marriage OP. Something is badly wrong here.

Sorry I’m also getting unreasonably irritated! MIL died on Thursday night. DH took Friday off but is now WFH. While I get to be kind to FIL who is hanging around me ALL THE TIME!

I initially thought this is awful. But when you wrote that he didn't come to yours then that puts a different slant. Also why are you carer for HIS dad?

Can you get the train? Less stressful than sitting in traffic with a dementia patient and might be worth the expense. You can walk down the carriage for a coffee if things get tense.

The very hard thing is the emotional fallout that extends to so many people for such a long time.

Your DH didn't go to your DMs funeral. That has an emotional impact for you. You can rationalise and understand why he chose not to go then, in a interlectulal way. But you still have your feelings. The brain and heart are in contradiction, but both things are true.

Christ. I'd go to the funeral of someone I detected if it meant I was supporting my husband. I really think you have your priorities wrong!

If my husband took himself off on a spa day whilst I was burying my mother I don't think I'd forgive him.

Can you fly and hire a car? At least that way you can relax a bit.

Exactly on point. One of the things that eventually led to my leaving ex-H was his suggestion that he not go to my father's funeral (he would look after DD instead). I was hurt and he did go, but I felt that he did not care at all. Go to support DH, who needs support on a very difficult day.

Ah, yes, sorry. Very slow this morning.

We don’t know why he didn’t attend the OP’s parents funeral - but really I can’t imagine many good reasons beyond stuff of critical importance.

Really! Yikes

I couldn't leave my husband to go. For things that are difficult I have a think about what I'm going to do if it becomes too overwhelming....like go outside, have a walk, lorry myself in the loo!

This.

Husband might need support at this time.

You should go.

I don't think the funeral is your real problem. It's a day and it will pass. Looking after your FIL who lives with you is another thing entirely. What do you do for him exactly? Can you be alone in your own house??? Any carers/day centres etc?

Do you like your husband? If yes, why in the world would you not go to support him? Even if you hated your mil, you need to be there for your husband.
You should also be offering to drive, he's going to be upset - he won't want to do a big drive. You're not upset, why can't you do it all?
I would never even consider having a spa day whilst my husband attended his mum's funeral.

Well as your DH chose to work instead of supporting you at your Mother's funeral I'd be opting for the spa day too!!

Plus you really need the break from caring for the FIL.

Why is it a one-way street when it comes go your DH and his family? Fuck that.

I wonder if Op's husband likes her, nearing in mind he didn't attend the funeral of one of her parents?

I stick the tv on but it’s the endless repeat of conversations/ problems that does my head in. He has daycare 10-3 twice a week.
Ive told DH he has to deal with poo in pants etc.
just deleted rant- he is here AGAIN, sitting next to me sucking his teeth and moaning about his feet aggghhh! Going out to Lidl to escape !🙂
thanks for letting me let off steam ❤️