Avoid mother-in-law’s funeral?

[Notagainagaindd]

Husband‘s family is very overwhelming and toxic. Mother-in-law was okay but also awful. I really don’t want to drive eight hours with toxic sister-in-law and husband and his father who has dementia, (who I look after as husband works full-time and of course as I only work part-time, I get to be the main carer. )
I wasn’t going to go, but husband has asked if I would help with the drive. He never normally wants me to drive, but obviously this is different. He said I don’t need to go to the funeral. I don’t want to go because it will remind me of my mum.
I also feel overwhelmed by this family.
I guess I have to go, to help husband drive. His sister lives in America. I’m not sure why she can’t help with the driving, but I guess if she’s come from America and jetlagged and sad. Neither of the children like their mother who was considered narcissistic by my husband‘s therapist, but obviously she is still there Mum❤️.
AIBU to avoid the funeral and spend the time doing something nicer. I’m thinking a spa! But I can see that wouldn’t go down too well.
I also don’t want to go for the drinks afterwards.
Maybe I could help with a driving and then catch a cold or something.
AIBU? Advice welcome!

I don’t think this is something you can just skip , or I didn’t think it was until you said he didn’t go to your parents funeral. Unless you didn’t want him to go? Or he was in special manoeuvres in the military or something so what is the story there?
Putting that aside , you have to go, it’s not something that’s negotiable in my world.

Why drive 8 hours. Surely there’s a train or flight they can get instead and you stay at home

personally I would be saying no. Tell him you are having to look after FIL so need the break, that mil was awful and that as he didn’t attend your mothers funeral you fail to see why you should attend his mothers with whom you had no relationship

then when they are back I would be speaking about fil and what help your husband is going to provide if he is to remain with you so it doesn’t all fall on you

If he didn't go to your mums, then just say no. You obviously dont want to go.

Has he had an adult social care assessment? Is he incontinent?

How long ago was your own mums funeral, mum grief can be very heavy to carry, i'd understand that you yourself may still be carrying the weight of loss.

Why didnt your husband go to your mums funeral - was it before you were married? would he have lost his job, was he away working on the rigs or something?

Why are you FIL carer? Shouldn't it be proposed he goes into residential care so he can get the care he needs, its very difficult for one person to provide the care a dementia patient needs.

Why are your FIL’s carer especially as it sounds like there’s a backstory and your in laws are nasty to you? Your FIL needs to pay for care and his own children need to help him or arrange for paid help.

Your husband didn’t go to your mum’s funeral but has forced you to provide unpaid caring responsibilities for his elderly father and now wants you to drive him several hours to his mum’s funeral? Time to say no!!!

Your husband and his family sound like they’ve taken advantage of you. I’d go to a spa instead of the funeral and then leave the house!!

Behave in the most usual expected way.
Attend funeral to support DH.
Chat politely to those who make time to go to the funeral. Remember to eat, drink and speak to people you know.

Now is not the time to get even with DH for working when he should have supported you.

Why are you allowing your husband use you for elder care?

I would end my marriage over this.
No i would not go to the funeral.

Are you afraid of your husband?
Say no.

You do not owe your husband skivvy care of his father.

Husband probably wants you there to keep an eye on FIL (as it seems that is your job!) as well as doing some driving.
I wouldn’t go. Tell your husband you need a break from looking after FIL.
Let them get on with it for a change.

I get you OP.
Your husband didn't come to your mum’s funeral, so he doesn’t get a say with regard to you attending his mum’s, especially as it sounds as if he just wants you to help with the driving.
And why are YOU caring for his father? Your husband is taking the piss.
What oh so important job does your husband do that meant he couldn’t support you when you needed him to?

Did you read where OP's DH did not attend OP's mother's funeral and went to work.

I think we need to stop encouraging women to put up with nonsense. The DH is dead wrong in this case - like DEAD wrong - there is no excuse not to attend to support his own wife in burying her mother.

Why do women have to do all the giving?

@Notagainagaindd I think attending the funeral is just one of those things you will have to power through, unfortunately. I do fully understand your dread. However, when funeral is over and all relatives have departed you need to have a serious conversation with your DH about the FIL caring arrangements, about his lack of support with your mother's death, and the dynamics of the family as a whole. Maybe with a counsellor. I don't think you can keep absorbing all this indefinitely.

Keep ranting away in the meantime though.

Hope over to the elderly parents board OP to let off steam, rant, get support and advice with no judgment. We're all in the thick of it there. Try the cockroach cafe.

I don't see why she should go if she didn't like the woman and her husband didn't go to her mum's funeral AND expects her to care for his father with dementia. The OP is already going above and beyond for her husband's family and it sounds like she's got little or no emotional support herself.

Loads of what you have written sounds utterly dysfunctional like being the main carer for his parent when there are two actual children, however this is not the time to fix that.

Definitely go to the funeral to support your husband though, that is completely separate from what you are describing.

Your DH chose not to support you and didn’t attend your mother’s funeral? And leaves you to care for his father with dementia?

I think you might have bigger problems than MILs funeral tbh.

You might be too sick to go to funeral if you have flu or bad cold which others in car will not want to catch on long drive , n'est pas?

I couldn’t not go and support my dh.

Why is the funeral being held 8 hours away?

Why when her DH didn't attend her mothers funeral and worked instead???

Why is everything such a one way street here?

Nobody can say anything better than this.
Also however awful funeral services tend to be short.

Hang on, so you’re taking care of FIL, and “d”h gets to take time off/WFH and he didn’t even go to your mum’s funeral?

I’m so sorry, but your relationship has much bigger problems. Frankly he sounds like a cunt

Goodness there is so much going on here and I totally understand where you're coming from.
First things first, I think you should go to the funeral to support your DH & help with your FIL. This is despite the fact that your DH didn't attend your own DM's funeral and also the fact that you seem to have become your FIL's default carer.

After the funeral serious discussions need to be held with the family to sort out care for your FIL. This absolutely shouldn't be falling on your shoulders unless you want to do it, I get the impression that you don't and don't blame or judge you.

Hopefully your DH is still going for therapy. Toxic families totally mess with your brain. My DH is from a similar family & there is no way in hell we would have either in laws living with us.

I didn't go to MIL's funeral. Loathed here. Dh didn't like her either. They had no relationship at all. I think the whole family breathed a sigh of relief when it happened.

He didn’t come to your Mothers funeral and now he expects you to go to his Mothers and care for your incontinent FIL who has dementia.

Of all the threads on marriages not going well yours is the clearest cut for a divorce I have ever read.

Have you considered direct cremation as no one seems particularly keen on going to this funeral (only half joking…)

On a perhaps more important note - I’d be getting FIL off to a care home, he might live on like this for donkeys years and you won’t be able to manage at home with dementia indefinitely. Get care sorted now before it breaks you and your marriage.