Avoid mother-in-law’s funeral?

[Notagainagaindd]

Husband‘s family is very overwhelming and toxic. Mother-in-law was okay but also awful. I really don’t want to drive eight hours with toxic sister-in-law and husband and his father who has dementia, (who I look after as husband works full-time and of course as I only work part-time, I get to be the main carer. )
I wasn’t going to go, but husband has asked if I would help with the drive. He never normally wants me to drive, but obviously this is different. He said I don’t need to go to the funeral. I don’t want to go because it will remind me of my mum.
I also feel overwhelmed by this family.
I guess I have to go, to help husband drive. His sister lives in America. I’m not sure why she can’t help with the driving, but I guess if she’s come from America and jetlagged and sad. Neither of the children like their mother who was considered narcissistic by my husband‘s therapist, but obviously she is still there Mum❤️.
AIBU to avoid the funeral and spend the time doing something nicer. I’m thinking a spa! But I can see that wouldn’t go down too well.
I also don’t want to go for the drinks afterwards.
Maybe I could help with a driving and then catch a cold or something.
AIBU? Advice welcome!

Why is your husband's behaviour the fault of his sister and mother? He is an adult and responsible for his own actions, like refusing to go to your mother's funeral to support you.
All of this therapy speak is unhelpful, narcissism, triangulation etc what matters is how your partner treats you in your partnership. It's just excuses for him treating you poorly.
Having said that I also find your reactions odd, I would want to support my husband not use it as a point scoring exercise, his dad has dementia and just lost his wife, and you're complaining he's talking to you? The whole thing sounds dysfunctional. Why is their bereavement about you?

Its one day out of your life. I would go, even if I hated every second of it I would still go.

Exactly - you can’t go to a fucking spa. That’s nuts.

Hi OP, sounds like you have a lot going on.

You def need to stop looking after FIL, that's too much to expect. He needs proper care

Why is the funeral so far away? I don't think you should go, you'll probably end up doing all the driving (with poor DH reminiscing with SIL and getting drunk or similar), and well as doing all the caring for FIL.

Stuff that. He didn't bother with supporting you at your M funeral, so why should you?

I'm not saying go to a spa, that seems excessive - but enjoy some well earned peace and quiet in your home

The roles WERE reversed. Her husband didn't bother going to her mother's funeral.

Why is there such a double standard on here? Her husband didn't bother supporting her so why in hell's name should she be supporting him - when she already looks after his father with dementia? If I was her, I'd be exiting this marriage faster than you can say 'hang on a minute...'

Hi. It sounds like its going to be very hard for you but I would go to support your husband. Id definitely make sure i had something to look forward to the following week to help get me through it.
I have experience of narcissists and its draining,complicated,exhausting,confusing,etc etc. Gaslighting is toxic and the trauma triangle is very real and complicated dragging other in.
Try to get through it without incident. Dont say much as things get twisted.
Good luck and sorry for your husbands loss, like you say its still his mum. ♥️

I wouldn’t go. I’d say they can share the driving. I’m guessing, as you care for FiL, that they were divorced and lived 8 hours apart. As you are his main carer, you do enough for that family already.

@Notagainagainddi think going is the right decision but can you book yourself a solo spa day or something to else just for you shortly after to recover?

You are there to support your husband

A funeral is not the time for a tit-for-tat response unless the marriage really is dead in the water.

The caring ‘responsibilities’ (scare quotes intentional - these are always deemed to be women’s whether that responsibility belongs to them or not) are another matter.

I’d be inclined to attend the funeral and have a serious conversation as to who will be looking after FiL in future. It would not be me.

You should go. I'd imagine at most funerals a high % of people there are in laws who didn't see eye to eye etc however imo you have a duty to attend with your husband. Basic respect seems to have disappeared.

You attend funerals to support the living.

Which is what your husband should have done.

Why is it 8 hours away if fil lives with you ?

Your husband didn’t bother to take time off work to trend your mother’s funeral, yeah, that’s horrible of him.
How ill is FIL? Would it be better for him not to attend his (ex?) wife’s funeral? That might be your get out card.
Probably don’t go to a spa for the day, as much as you my have earned it, it wouldn’t give you the higher ground.

It sounds like you are understandably stressed by your caring responsibilities and family dynamics. Quite fair to want that to change.

But going to a spa rather than MIL’s funeral is not the time to make a stand whilst retaining any form of high moral ground.

The poor man and yes poor you too. You don't sound like someone who is suited to being a carer. I think you and your husband need to put your FIL into care.

Can you send fil to elders daycentre everyday?

You will not go to your husbands mums funeral, whom you had no problem with but don't like the with wider family, and go to a spa instead? I'm trying hard not to judge but it's not working 😂

Lots of comments re DH not going to OP s Mums funeral. Several have asked but she hasn’t answered yet, that will give more context.

OP why did DH not go to your Mums funeral?

Ok read some more about your caring to the father. So taking my judgement back. Having to care when you don't want to and don't like the person would be a nightmare, I'm sorry.
However, my advice is still, do go to the funeral and support your husband. Definitely stand up for yourself and go to a spa, but just, not on the funeral day...

I presume that your ILs weren’t together if the funeral is 8 hours away and FIL lives with you.

in which case, perhaps it’s not in FILs best interest to go. So you stay home with him (or he goes to day centre).

I'd instinctively go to support your DH but it doesn’t sound as though there are any healthy relationships here so what I’d do doesn’t feel relevant.

You're part of the family, so I think you feel should go. However, maybe get yourself prepared. Buy some ear plugs, put them in immediately you get in the car - you could listen to music and close your eyes - if you don't reply after a while they'll stop including you. Read a book, and again don't rush to engage. I assume you need to stay a night or two, so when you're there, excuse yourself and go out for fresh air.

If you're likely to find them distracting when driving, ask for some support beforehand from DH. My Mum does nothing but long stop chat and wittering about nothing, you can't even get a word in to reply. I sometimes find it very stressful from driving, DH has picked up on this and he now says, C needs to concentrate now we're on the motorway, so she needs to stop talking.

Thank you!
will join you in the cockroach cafe I think! Get the coffee on!I’ll buy the cake !

What???? Unless he is in the merchant navy or on an oil rig, that's unbelievable. Changes the whole question.

Whatever you do about the funeral, I'd step back from the caring for FIL.

What do you mean "he doesn't want you to drive?"

Why have you sacrificed your job to care for someone else's family?