Avoid mother-in-law’s funeral?

[Notagainagaindd]

Husband‘s family is very overwhelming and toxic. Mother-in-law was okay but also awful. I really don’t want to drive eight hours with toxic sister-in-law and husband and his father who has dementia, (who I look after as husband works full-time and of course as I only work part-time, I get to be the main carer. )
I wasn’t going to go, but husband has asked if I would help with the drive. He never normally wants me to drive, but obviously this is different. He said I don’t need to go to the funeral. I don’t want to go because it will remind me of my mum.
I also feel overwhelmed by this family.
I guess I have to go, to help husband drive. His sister lives in America. I’m not sure why she can’t help with the driving, but I guess if she’s come from America and jetlagged and sad. Neither of the children like their mother who was considered narcissistic by my husband‘s therapist, but obviously she is still there Mum❤️.
AIBU to avoid the funeral and spend the time doing something nicer. I’m thinking a spa! But I can see that wouldn’t go down too well.
I also don’t want to go for the drinks afterwards.
Maybe I could help with a driving and then catch a cold or something.
AIBU? Advice welcome!

Exactly! Whos the narcasist?

Thanks , and thanks bluelake I’m sorry you are going through this! Yes FIL talks non stop too and reads out the road signs and makes ‘helpful’ comments. It does make it really hard to drive doesn’t it!
thank you for the headphone tip - hadn’t occurred to me. I think you’re right, I have to go but need to take measures to get through , so I have energy to deal with it all.
i havent gone into reasons with my mums funeral because it becomes long and involved and I don’t really understand it all, but it’s definitely to do with toxic relationships and how they trickle across into everything even though you think it isn’t/ you can handle it.

Your poor husband. Think this might be one of the most selfish posts I've read in a while. Are normally like this?!

Have you read any of the rest of her posts? Her husband didn't bother going to her mum's funeral and she's is the unpaid sole carer for his father who suffers from dementia and incontinence.

Wait until he read about the support he gave his wife at HER mother's funeral.

I'm horrified that your husband's "therapist" diagnosed his mother as narcissistic, (presumably without having ever met her!).
She needs sacking for a start.

Is there a good reason for the funeral to be 8 hrs away and you all to be travelling? MIL won't actually be there to know and could it be closer to your home? SIL is coming from US so makes no difference to her.

My opinion is that the husband is much more selfish. Failing to attend OP's Mother's funeral and dumping his incontinent parent with dementia on her to look after when none of his own children are prepared to.

I'd probably go to the funeral but there would be no way on earth I'd be cleaning up an IL's faeces day in day out. I suspect it's this daily grind / misery that's getting the OP down rather than the one off day at the funeral.

Someone distressed and tired who's recently arrived from the US where they have been driving on the other side of the road, most likely in an auto not a stick shift is not the safest option to share the driving.

ETA I've never been able to get insurance for any of my US visitors to drive my car but that may be nationality rather than residence there.

Well that was bang out of order!

In a normal healthy relationship you would go to support your partner.

I don't think you have a normal healthy relationship. your partner refused to go to your own mum's funeral. he is happy for you to do the majority of care for his father with dementia. No one seems the least bit grateful to you. Also I suspect the request for you to come is so you can mind FIL including at the drinks after. If FIL wasn't coming I suspect your partner and his sister would be perfectly happy to go off themselves without your help.

If I were you I'd go to the funeral. I'd spend the time there thinking about what this relationship brings to you. Whether you are going to continue helping your FIL. Whether you actually want to live like this. Do you really want to live like this?

Keep your head down, your mouth shut during the drive and funeral. Also tell your H and his sister that they need to get carers for their father as its not your job to do it

He was working when it was your Mother's funeral and you've ended up as the carer for his father.

I'd go to the spa and take a big step back because your husband is not nice to you at all.

Can you go but take separate transport? And if any of them try their bullshit, just tell them straight: I'm not here for your toxic bullshit, don't speak to me at all if that's the only way you plan to communicate.

Is there anyone who you give the time of day to? FGS - go the funeral, One of the women you didnt like and there seems to be a cast of 1000's has died.

I wouldn’t turn up for my MIL’s funeral either tbh. But I don’t have a good relationship with my husband. And I think that’s key: if he wants you there and you have a good relationship with him then do it to support him. But the issue about having to care for the FIL because you are the part-timer would stuff it for me I’m afraid as that is the issue I have with my husband too (similar) and the unfairness if it impacts how much support I’d be prepared to give him. I know that sounds ungenerous, but when I had cancer 6 yrs ago my MIL and husband did absolutely zero, not even “how are you feeling”.

I really cannot stand my MIL (neither can my husband), but he would go to the funeral and I would support him. Better to regret going than to regret not going.

Edit to add that my husband is (mostly) nice to me so I would support him. I understand why other posters might not feel like being overly supportive.

@Notagainagaindd
I think you have every right to have a conversation with your NVDH about your FIL. It sounds like you are overwhelmed and perhaps it's time for FIL to go to a care home.

It doesn't seem as your NVDH treats you very well, either. Do you have children?

Why are you expected to care for your SILs hubby's dad?

I’ve just re read OP’s posts and thought about them some more.
DH doesn’t really want your company on the drive, he wants you there in a carer capacity.
Maybe come down with an illness just before they all set off.
Or go along, and make the most of the drinks afterward!

This is not about you.

It’s unthinkable that you would be at a spa while your husband is attending his mother’s funeral. I can’t believe you even suggested it.

Go to the funeral, suck it up, and sort out any other family issues at an appropriate time after.

The family don't exactly come across as a nice family do they?

@Notagainagaindd the issue isn't the funeral it's the wider dynamics in the family and your role, you need to figure that out and set boundaries so you're not looking after in-laws who you don't like or who don't trust you nicely or appreciate you.

Wait a second - your husband didn't go to your own actually mother's funeral because he was working?

I obvs don't know anything about your mum or relationship. But that was wild info.

Blood relative parents don't get a automatic funeral attendance if they've been shit or absent. My husband's dad for example never bothered with him through his life so my husband didn't engage in this stranger's death. Some of his siblings chose differently but I totally understand why he didn't.

However - in this situation, if your husband's going, you go. Give the practical support to make the thing happen, which in this case is the driving. I'm guessing as you (seemingly reluctantly?) provide care for his Dad that you also (potentially) have a role on the day of looking out for your father in law.

It's one day. Doesn't matter how much of a narcissist she was, she won't be making you go to more than one funeral for her. Go to draw a line under her life. Show your face, support your husband, help with the logistics.

Yeah it would be weird to go to a spa on the day of the funeral. You don't have to want to go but I think you SHOULD go.

Just re-read. Eight hours is a crazy long drive.

With that information on top of you being an actual carer for HIS father, I'd take the time to myself and go to the spa and have some you time. And you need to come up with a calm, rational speech about stepping back as his carer and new plans will have to be made.

And then the family needs to sit down and have a rethink about his care.

Tbh based on this I wouldn’t go.
I would be looking to minimise all contact with all of them based on what you’ve said

I think I would be heading to the divorce lawyer's office personally. You shouldn't have to be doing the personal care of your FIL for the man who was too busy at work to support you at your DM's funeral.