Flower girl dispute with friend, DDs unhappy, help.

[FGDil]

My friend's daughter is getting married next year. My friend called me and told me her daughter wanted my DD (6) to be her flower girl. DD6 is quite quiet and doesn't want to be the flower girl. My friend said I should make her do it for her daughter. I told her I don't make my DD do things she doesn't want to do. In the background of the phone call, my DD8 was hopping up and down saying she would be flower girl. I suggested this to my friend. My friend said crossly, "She doesn't want DD8! She wants DD6!" I just told her, "Well, she can't have her." My friend is now not speaking to me and my DD8 feels rejected and has been grumpy with her sister in the day since this chat. I tried to explain to DD8 that she just wants DD6 because she is small and doesn't want an older child, it's not personal. I talked to DD6 and told her about getting to wear something special and she still won't have anything to do with it. So that's not happening. Did I handle this badly? Please tell me it will all blow over with the girls.

Yeah, one of my favourite songs. "constantly updating your hit parade of your ten biggest wanks" (right at the end when it fades right out - not everyone's spotted that line)

I agree totally.
A wedding is one day.
A marriage is for a lifetime.
I wish people would get their priorities right.🙄

Yes and your friends could be for a lifetime if you don’t treat them like shit when you’re getting married.

your mistake was when she said "can dry be a flower girl?" you didn't say, oh only dd6? what about dd8?
oh sorry no, there's no way dd6 would do it without dd8 and I wouldn't be comfortable making dd8 feel left out either

blunt, but honest.. do you really think anyone looks at their new baby and go oh wr should name get after our mates pretty little girl so she'll be pretty too? or oh mates kid is so pretty, we shall name all our children in honour of her? they're being cute to the kid cos they picked a similar name. op perpetuating the "oh you're so beautiful everyone names their children after you and everyone wants you in their wedding" is not helping anyone.

I think you are subconsciously part of the problem. You believe DD 6 is 'cute'.

Your friend said that she named her baby after DD6. You didn't recognise that your friend probably liked the name irrespective, found a reason for using it so not to offend you then used that as a reason to connect with your DD.

Genius of your friend while you seem quite gullible as it reinforces your view of DD6 as being cute.

And their actual relationships with their guests, too. I hate the attitude a lot of people seem to have nowadays that they think they should be able to be quite hurtful and rude to their friends and family, in the name of having “our perfect day”, without expecting it to have any ramifications for the relationship.

I have no idea why you're getting such a rough time. If one of your daughters is prettier than the other, that is a fact which everybody will have to come to terms with. You can't protect your kids from stuff like this; you can only teach them how to handle it, and you did a good job with that.

But in fact, it's impossible to look at a six year old and predict what they will look like at 25. Almost certainly what's happened is that the six year old still has a certain residual infant cuteness which the eight year old has grown out of, and the bride wants a cute little "big baby" prop for her photos.

A very long time ago I asked my 2 DN's to be my flower girls. The eldest was fine with it, but the younger one absolutely refused - no problem with me I just had the one flower girl and everyone was happy. But that was back in the day when instagram hadn't even been invented, it was all very simple and straightforward and no-one fell out with anyone. You actually couldn't get married then anywhere other than either of your parish church or either of your local registry offices. I think it's good people have more choices now but conversely the whole wedding industry seems to have gone a bit insane.

Had a similar situation as a child have never had the same relationship with my sibling since I’m afraid the damage to the family is already done. One child is wanted and cherished as a family member the other isn’t and you as a parent have allowed that

I think it's good that you've acknowledged it wasn't handled in the right way but I think the bride is out of order only asking one of your daughters. I'd have shut that down from the start: she could have had both or neither.

I think bride is putting you in an awful position and if she can't recognise that then she isn't a true friend anyway. I also think she's being ridiculous to lose her rag over a child not wanting to be a bridesmaid. What is she planning to do? Drag her down the aisle? Edited her out of the photos when she's crying in the corner of them?

I think the bride is the one who should be apologising to you. She sounds utterly toxic.

Explain to your DDs that it is utterly shallow to ask a small unrelated girl just for the sake of the pics.

Sometimes the cutest kids turn into absolutely plain adults and it must be particularly hard when their looks have been gushed over by strangers and family/friends as kids. Not to mention the plainer siblings. It’s an awful dynamic.

Ask your DDs to choose somewhere to go or a big activity to do and go there that weekend - give more choice to older DD.

That's what you'll be doing now, as your ex-friend / Bridezillamate has ruined any relationship with both of your girls - and by extension you.

The one that harped on to your youngest about "named after you", yeah, very much arms length.

Would you deliberately upset your friends child? That's what she did - even if she didn't think it through.

I really hope the relationship between the two of them is strong, and your eldest DD doesn't dwell on this, but you really need to stamp out any perceived favouritism between them amongst your friends - and also your family should that go the wrong way too.

🧸🧸

I would have told them you have both girls or none

If someone named their kid after mine literally because he’s beautiful that would freak me out.

I think your friends liked the name and said that to be cute.

It sucks being the less attractive kid but it has its upsides.

I was the awkward kid and my sis was gorgeous. I accepted my bad looks and focused on school and theatre.

I eventually grew into my face and body and oddly enough became a fairly successful model. I have incredibly thick skin because of my childhood and so rejection in the industry has never bothered me.

If I had been the “ pretty one “ growing up I suspect I would have been eaten alive fast in that world.

Tell her to shove her Instagram wedding up her arse.

My ex’s family once asked our youngest DD to be flower girl at his cousin’s wedding. She was 3, blonde and super cute, the other bridesmaids were one girl of around 12 and the rest were adults. She wanted the cute little flower girl aesthetic and it’s lovely that she asked. However we had 2 children together, a girl and a boy who was 4 at the time. I also had an older daughter from a previous relationship. My ex was all for the youngest to be flower girl but I declined because it’s not right to ask one child and not have the others involved, especially in a family wedding. You have done the right thing declining, the bride was being cruel not asking both your girls.

I think you’ve fucked up a bit here and caused this whole drama to be far more invasive into your family life than it actually needs to be, and yet you seem to be standing back, holding your hands in the air and acting like it’s your weird arsed friends who are responsible for your elder daughter’s potential resentment towards your younger daughter. It’s pretty obvious that asking your younger daughter was about having some really cute photos. You would have known this. So why even ask your younger DD, if you’re aware of some potential resentment between them? You’d be aware of their different natures and that older DD would probably love to do it, while younger DD would hate it, so why would you even consider telling your friend you’d ask her? How is that going to decrease any tension between the girls? You bear as much responsibility for this upset as your awful friend.

Going forward, the answer needs to be a blanket No if younger DD is being asked to do something because of her looks, that older DD is being left out. It shouldn’t have even got to the point where your DDs were aware of the request. Either people treat them the same, or not at all. I also think that the way to go forward is to tell them that they are both beautiful, but you’re not going to praise them for that because the way they look is accidental and nothing they’ve achieved. Tell them you’re interested in what they’ve done as people, ie, developed a kind personality, worked hard at school, etc. If you’re going to praise their appearance then you do it to both at the same time; my beautiful girls, you both look so pretty etc.

this
i wouldn’t have entertained the idea beyond them wanting one child and not the other.

they’ve shown their true colours, if they choose to fall out with you over it, that is a them problem. Your priority is your own children not their wedding photos

Very weird that your friends daughter is demanding this

The girls not even your pal she's your pals kid

However I think all of you are being unreasonable

You should have automatically said no when both were not asked especially as it upset your eldest
"I don't force my kids to do anything they don't want to do" though it sounds admirable it's a lie every day kids are told to do things thet may not want to do so your just sounding daft at that

This entire situation is weird

I feel for the 8 year old. Even her own mums said how gorgeous and amazing and perfect and quiet princess 6 is

That's going to have an awful affect on 8 year old especially as you don't even mention her qualities just "quiet pretty" you need to step very carefully

I think this is a bit unfair tbh. In my mind, flower girls are younger - maybe 6/7 at the most. Even my 7 yo would probably look too old to be a flower girl. I know some 8 yos are smaller and might look more at home being a flower girl, but to tell the older DD the friend wants the youngest to be a flower girl because flower girls are younger but that she will still be bought a special dress and go to a wedding isn’t terrible behaviour. Of course when it clearly crossed a line, she stepped back and just said no. People don’t always think things all the way through before responding in a moment.