Flower girl dispute with friend, DDs unhappy, help.

[FGDil]

My friend's daughter is getting married next year. My friend called me and told me her daughter wanted my DD (6) to be her flower girl. DD6 is quite quiet and doesn't want to be the flower girl. My friend said I should make her do it for her daughter. I told her I don't make my DD do things she doesn't want to do. In the background of the phone call, my DD8 was hopping up and down saying she would be flower girl. I suggested this to my friend. My friend said crossly, "She doesn't want DD8! She wants DD6!" I just told her, "Well, she can't have her." My friend is now not speaking to me and my DD8 feels rejected and has been grumpy with her sister in the day since this chat. I tried to explain to DD8 that she just wants DD6 because she is small and doesn't want an older child, it's not personal. I talked to DD6 and told her about getting to wear something special and she still won't have anything to do with it. So that's not happening. Did I handle this badly? Please tell me it will all blow over with the girls.

I'm a nutshell!

But it was clearly based on the DD's name.

Right

@FGDil I'm sorry you are getting such a pasting on here.

You would think that no-one on mumsnet has ever been put on the spot like that.

Indeed. I was made to be a bridesmaid (age 6) when my mother's younger brother got married and I HATED it. I remember crying the night before (my mother was uncharacteristically sensitive about it, I recall!) and looking at the photos even now makes me cringe.

That's awful telling you to tell your daughter she should do it.
Some people just haven't a clue about painting friendships and keeping things friendly. Do many people have got a clue how to manage friendships.

If this is real, I think you handled the whole thing badly from the very beginning tbh.
Friend - I want your dd6 to be my flower girl, not including your dd8.
You - No. It’s both or none, I’m not having my girls conflicted like this on such a special occasion.

End of. Why would you set your girls up for 1 to have a fantastic honour, the other to sit it out on the sidelines?? 😵‍💫😵‍💫

When did it change that bridesmaids were adults and little girls were flower girls?

Back in the day people generally had younger girls as bridesmaids and one adult as matron of honour.

Its not in either of your DDs interests to have one of them gussied up as an ornament against her will, and the other feeling upset because she isn't 'good enough'. So I'd stop trying to talk DD6 round immediately and tell both girls that no one is going to be a flower girl so they should put it out of their minds.
Any friend who stops speaking to you because your daughter doesn't want to be a pretty assessory isn't that great a person to have as a friend. So I'd make no effort there either.

I am the ugly child in my family. the sister up from me wasnt and I was constantly being told that by strangers. It has a huge effect on you as you grow up. If you know that its an issue - that everyone says this about the younger one - then you need to handle this very carefully going forward or your eldest will feel that she is in someway less than her sister. when someone makes a remark you need to have a response ready.

What would you suggest? You're in a good place to be able to say what might be helpful.

Of course your DD shouldn't be forced into being aflowergirl for your bridezilla pal.

I'm sure that you weren't ugly, but what a negative experience. Girls are judged so early on and you'd think we'd be past that by now 💐

I don't think it is new. Bridesmaids can be (traditionally) any unmarried females and over the years I have seen various combinations of children and adults in the role, sometimes different age brackets at the same wedding.

Flower girls have also been around for a long time, but I think you're right that they have become more popular in recent years, undoubtedly because people think it looks 'cute' on Instagram.

This isn't another wind up is it?

Surely the bride would ask you herself and wouldn't just get her mum to phone up and demand.

I look back at the very few photos there are of me from that time (50's and 60s) and yes my sister is much cuter and photogenic but I certainly dont look as ugly as I did in my minds eye. It didnt help that my mother agree and so I had a pudding basin short hair cut whilst she had long flowing locks! Unfortunately I think that the judging has got worse because of social media because everyone wants to be a blogger or an influencer and use their children in their social media.

It’s quite common to hear a name and like it so use it for yourself.

She probably added the ‘because she’s cute’ so it didn’t seem like she was coping the name.

She likely had the name before you but didn’t want to say anything.

It’s positive that you want to address this but it’s unlikely to play out that way as the girls get older.

I have seen girls that age change dramatically in conventional attractiveness as they go through puberty.

So it is worth keeping an eye on it now but I wouldn’t be thinking of it as a lifelong problem. Obviously if you were the sort of parent who bought into that kind of labelling then it could cause lifelong damage, but you aren’t.

A few poorly chosen comments from random people shouldn’t have too much impact if the main messaging is on track.

I'm glad that you can see what you were really like from the pictures. You weren't ugly.
You're right though, it's definitely got worse, and this sort of performative caper around weddings is part of the problem.

Aww this makes me so sad.

My DD occasionally gets that sort of comment (unusual looks rather than typically cute model type). We say "oh she's so brave/clever/funny" or another personal quality to show that's what we value.

My friend said I should make her do it for her daughter.

That is all I would need to ditch that idiot of a friend.

I had a similar situation when my daughter was 2.. I just flat out said she wouldn't be doing it as she was not going to co-operate in any way, and it would be too awkward for everyone involved, for very little reward (if any), they were disappointed and tried to change my mind but I was adament, we still went as guests.

Someone asking if one of your (prettier) daughters will be a flower girl and not the other should have been immediately shut down without any discussion with the kids.. you know why she has asked for that one child and for that reason she doesn't get to have her.

Be very careful about the girls growing up - the older one will have resentment like no other - you need to place less focus on the younger ones looks - they’re both going to look very different in a few years.

Rude.

That's a really good response.