Friend says I can bring one child to wedding but not the other

[Oakeydoke]

I have a lovely friend of many years, known since school.

She’s getting married and phoned yesterday to let me know the date, and also to ask if my 7 year old will be flower girl, which DD will be thrilled about so of course I said yes!

I said jokily ‘I assume DS is invited too’ (he’s 4). She went a bit quiet and said ‘is there nobody you can leave him with? Grandparents?’. I was a bit shocked and explained this isn’t an option (infirm PILs). I could in theory leave him with my sister but the logistics would be horrendous as the wedding is at the other end of the country, and Dsis is a couple of hours in another direction.

She said he might be able to come then but wouldn’t be given any wedding food and there wouldn’t be a chair for him at the wedding supper.

I felt a bit stung to be honest. I could totally understand if it was a child free wedding but it isn’t, as she’s asked DD. And DS would be old enough to realise we were all going away without him. We don’t really go on holiday so
taking a plane and staying away for a couple of nights would be a very big deal to him and I know he would be sad not to join us.

I don’t want to go in guns blazing if IABU though. What would you say/do?

Just don’t go. People are weird about weddings, especially before they have their own children. I missed two different good friends’ weddings because I was breastfeeding and they wanted child free weddings. I was sad not to be there but it’s just how it goes. People are allowed to do whatever they want for their wedding and sometimes that means it’s not worth figuring out the logistics of going. If your friend ever has kids she will realise what a d*ck she’s been over this. She won’t be able to see it now, no matter what you say. Weddings send people crazy.

I wouldn't go, your poor ds. He won't understand why a wedding will likely be incredibly boring to him, he will understand big sister is being made a fuss of and going on a plane with mummy and daddy whilst he's not allowed. All the logistics to you and your dh just make this sound like chore, I'd rather have a lovely family day out at this point, to be honest as my face would be put out of joint...

YANBU. We have attended weddings with both our children and neither, but we would not be comfortable having 1 invited not the other. I would explain that unless our son is invited too then we can’t attend, as it could cause emotional damage to both his relationship with his sister and with us.
I feel for you, what an incredibly awkward situation to be in.

I assumed we would all be invited because of DD being flower girl.

Yes I appreciate that but that’s why you have to draw your parameters and apply them fairly when deciding what kind of wedding you want. In her shoes if I didn’t want my wedding descending into ‘a creche’ (or just a wedding with kids at it), I would’ve said no kids or only child relatives.

No point pushing the point with her @Oakeydoke. She clearly doesn't want your son there, for whatever reason. To say there wouldn't be a chair or meal for him, quite frankly is hurtful. She's not your friend. Don't go.

Bow out gracefully, hold your head up high and create a distance between you and move on.

Your answer is right here, money is tight, it's going to be a stretch for you and it will use up your budget for an actual family break.

You'd be crazy to prioritise this wedding over your family.

I have travelled abroad for about 10 weddings, although many of those were pre-DC so am not one of those people who is down on weddings generally. But no way would anyone who thinks so little of my child be on the receiving end of my company when the cost to my family is high. I have DC a similar age and my 4 year old would be gutted to be left out. I would decline and say you can't wait to catch up after the wedding and hear all about it, and spend your money on a family break somewhere you actually want to go.

Yeah that would annoy me, I’m not sure I’d want to go at all tbh.

Is there other children other than the bridal party? If you can’t go, you can’t go, which is a bit crap. Sometimes we have to leave the children behind to celebrate an important moment with a good friend.

She isn’t a dear friend any longer is she? She has shown you who she is …. No one in their right mind would treat a friend like this , put them in this position and make them feel like you are feeling. Especially when it’s a considerable distance away. I would decline along the lines of a previous poster; I’m sorry Susan having thought about our chat earlier I don’t feel I want to leave DS at home or allow him to feel left out with DD being a flower girl so we’ve decided not to come. I’m sorry to miss it and I know you will have a great time cannot wait to hear all about it.

This is horrible, just decline.

I don't understand how you had formulated a plan "before" when you were only told about this yesterday?

My friend made the decision to not bring him - as his sister was a bridesmaid I would have made allowances for him even though we were child free

I think where you are apart from the bride in your thinking Op is that your DD isn't really being "invited" in the true sense.

She's being used as part of the stage setting - so inviting your DS would be a bit like having two bridal bouquets, one she will walk down the aisle with, and one that is unnecessary cost.

She isn't thinking "The DD is part of the family but the DS isn't; she's thinking "I'll ask OP and her DH."

Then, separate thought: "For the flower girl I'll use OP's DD."

We were chatting shortly after the proposal and she said she was thinking of having flower girls rather than bridesmaids, and would my daughter be interested if she did do this. I think she thought I was expecting to be a bridesmaid so wanted to address it before I got my hopes up!

I didn’t use her as an accessory having flower girls/bridesmaid is completely normal. Girls and boys enjoy different things. I discussed it with my friend - we had a child free wedding other than bridal party. I would have made allowances for him as his sister was a flower girl. However cos we are normal and realise that paying £80 for a 5 year to sit in church and then at a wedding reception which are not really child friendly events - she made the final decision not to bring him.

nit having children except bridal party kids is normal

Now you sound totally precocious. Of course people might be able, or not able to accommodate children of different ages, or not. #emotionaldamage. You are having a fucking laugh.

Why do you have to take your children at all? Why not just go on your own and enjoy your friend’s wedding for a night or two? Their dad can look after them.

If she asked you to be a bridesmaid at her child free wedding would you still think she was a terrible friend and allow strangers label her awful?
Or would you decline as the DC weren’t invited?

Flights, expense…

I would go on my own and leave the kids with DH.

She can whistle for her flower girl.

I’ve addressed this in my OP.

How rude to say no seat or food for your DC. Don't go. She's not a friend.

Having seen how it was all phrased op - ie; you felt by saying she could have DD as a flower girl she was letting you down gently that you were not a bridesmaid - I would just say you and DH would love to celebrate with her but you will leave both dc behind.

Go and have a fun, child-free evening.

@Oakeydoke

Personally, I'd tell your friend how you feel. If you don't (calmly) let her know, there is a danger it will poison your friendship.

All the money you would be paying, it should be so much better to have you all there. Or maybe go to rge town, let the kids stay with dad and you go to wedding.

I know it all costs money but the idea your son would go and have to sit on your lap is rather insulting.

I would decline the invite. If it was local and had childcare then I’d go, but travel and one child not invited isn’t something I’d do. I understand child free weddings, we only had niece and nephew, but we had to accept some people may not come for that reason.

Incidentally OP, one of the issues she is up against is not that she might have to provide a head cost for just your DS, but that by including children beyond the wedding party she will find it hard to say no to more dc who are not in the wedding party. People accept that not every child can be in the wedding party; they find it harder to accept other dc are invited as guests but theirs aren't. So in her mind she nay be opening the floodgates to a dozen or so of her friends' 4 year olds.

I don't think it is personal against your ds. It is that she isn't including your DD as a guest in her mind, but as part of the "theatre."