Friend says I can bring one child to wedding but not the other

[Oakeydoke]

I have a lovely friend of many years, known since school.

She’s getting married and phoned yesterday to let me know the date, and also to ask if my 7 year old will be flower girl, which DD will be thrilled about so of course I said yes!

I said jokily ‘I assume DS is invited too’ (he’s 4). She went a bit quiet and said ‘is there nobody you can leave him with? Grandparents?’. I was a bit shocked and explained this isn’t an option (infirm PILs). I could in theory leave him with my sister but the logistics would be horrendous as the wedding is at the other end of the country, and Dsis is a couple of hours in another direction.

She said he might be able to come then but wouldn’t be given any wedding food and there wouldn’t be a chair for him at the wedding supper.

I felt a bit stung to be honest. I could totally understand if it was a child free wedding but it isn’t, as she’s asked DD. And DS would be old enough to realise we were all going away without him. We don’t really go on holiday so
taking a plane and staying away for a couple of nights would be a very big deal to him and I know he would be sad not to join us.

I don’t want to go in guns blazing if IABU though. What would you say/do?

Bizarre response

Your very good old friend is the one who seems to have taken a dislike to your son. I don’t know him from Adam!

Seems odd that he can attend but can’t have a seat if it was size restrictions then he just wouldn’t be allowed. Maybe it’s costs or that if she pays for your son who’s not wedding party then other children will be expected to come.

I'm just so glad I have had my wedding, with no plans for a second.

Insta and the rise of wedding event planning etc seems to have turned them into a way to fall out with all of your ILs and half your own guest list before you are even married.

Everything seems to be an issue.

She is either restricted by numbers and/or your child is the only or one of few children invited and they are largely keeping it as child free as possible.

You can't demand that that your 4 year old be invited so you'll either have to accept the invite as is and likely just you and your daughter go or decline for everyone.

It’s difficult because money is tight and if I was going to pay hundreds/thousands of pounds and use annual leave, I would rather it was a sort of family mini holiday (we won’t be going away otherwise next year). I know that sounds a bit selfish and I’m not basing my attendance on that. But it makes it easier to justify and coordinate.

I could take DD, but it would be a bit less enjoyable for me as I would have to leave the party early to put her to bed as I’m guessing she’ll be tired after a long journey and the excitement of the day. And I would have to monitor her the whole time (at the level needed for a 7 year old), so again - expensive and not particularly enjoyable.

I realise that sounds a bit selfish but I work full time, and the thought of taking a child hundreds of miles away for a wedding and turning it around in 24 hours while spending about a thousand pounds just doesn’t appeal!

So I guess it’s either go all together, or just me by myself.

Tell her you will make him a packed lunch and take a folding chair .SORTED.No she’s seriously taking the piss .

Giving her the benefit of the doubt, she maybe does feel closer to your DD and was thoughtless when it comes to your DS, not really considering him rather than deliberately excluding him. I would talk to her, not with the intention of trying to change her mind, but to see if you can come to a compromise that works for everyone. Also worth checking out what your friend’s expectation is for your DD on the day so there are no more crossed wires further down the line.

This. It seems like the only reason you have the invite is for your DD to be flower girl for the photos. Maybe if it’s just you then the invitation wouldn’t exist ?

Nothing bizarre about it, you’ve spent the entire thread repeatedly posting suggesting unpleasant things about me and my family in the hope of finding an angle that puts me (or my child) in a bad light.

I hate to disappoint but DS is very well behaved to the extent that when she told me he could still come she said she knew she could trust him to entertain himself while everyone was eating.

Haha! I should - clingfilm a roast dinner and ask if the kitchen could heat it..!

I'd not go, it's too much hassle finding childcare if it's 2 hours away, plus dealing with a potentially upset child. Both parents being a flight away from their child just for a wedding is quite a big ask.

She clearly just wants to use your daughter as a flower girl, like a prop for her wedding.. but has no consideration for you travelling to the wedding and having 2 children. Not a person I'd be friends with.

All I have suggested is that your friend, your good friend who does know your 4 year old has decided that she doesn’t want him at her wedding. Could be money. Could be behaviour. And that is entirely her prerogative.

Either way… your very good friend has most definitely not acted in any way shape or form any Of my friends would behave by inviting your older sibling to attend. She’s been quite cruel in fact.

It is easy yes, but can you imagine not offering a child a chair, or something to eat? It’s just weird, and makes a point that he isn’t wanted there.

If I were in your shoes OP i would
politely decline. If pushed just a say “I’m sorry but we are a family and come as a family”. We definitely wouldnt attend and would actually re- evaluate my friendship with this woman

It is not ideal. It would have been better to invite none over one. Your DD is invited to be part of the bridal party, not a guest as such.
My DC have never been invited to a friends wedding although they had children there, family and the wedding party, I would not expect them to be invited. They have been invited to family weddings.
My point is. You would be looking for childcare for two children to go to your friends wedding if your DD wasn’t part of the wedding party.

This is actually a logical response.

Entertain himself while you’re all eating?! Is she for real?! I think you all go and DH and DS have a day out as per PP. Or you say you can’t make it work. DS is either invited properly or not.

Props to you Oakeydoke. I don't have a hugely strong opinion either way on this but my word SSIAccount has an inexplicable (to me) bee in his/her bonnet about it. Poor love.

This is what I kind of think. She wants the daughter to look pretty in the photos. That said a 4 year old isn’t going to give a shit about a wedding so I suppose it depends on how bothered you really are as to what you do

No way would I be sacrificing a family holiday for that. Just no. Your friend is being a bit dim expecting that.

This is so weird as well as rude. Personally, I wouldn't bother to spend time and money flying to this wedding. The bride would just have to find a new prop/flower girl.

I absolutely agree with you. Treat others as they treat you OP. Your "dear" friend has made her choice... you make yours too! Its not compulsory you attend.

Having had time to reflect on our earlier chat about your wedding, we cannot in all good conscience exclude Jack given that we would be foregoing our family holiday to attend.

I've removed all the fluff from a pp's post

If this wedding meant that we weren't able to have a family holiday, there's absolutely no way that I'd leave one child behind.

What were your plans for childcare for your close friends wedding before your DD was asked to be a flower girl? Did you assume from the off that the whole family would be invited? If they invite your children then they have to invite other friends and relatives children, before you know it the wedding will be a like a crèche.