Friend says I can bring one child to wedding but not the other

[Oakeydoke]

I have a lovely friend of many years, known since school.

She’s getting married and phoned yesterday to let me know the date, and also to ask if my 7 year old will be flower girl, which DD will be thrilled about so of course I said yes!

I said jokily ‘I assume DS is invited too’ (he’s 4). She went a bit quiet and said ‘is there nobody you can leave him with? Grandparents?’. I was a bit shocked and explained this isn’t an option (infirm PILs). I could in theory leave him with my sister but the logistics would be horrendous as the wedding is at the other end of the country, and Dsis is a couple of hours in another direction.

She said he might be able to come then but wouldn’t be given any wedding food and there wouldn’t be a chair for him at the wedding supper.

I felt a bit stung to be honest. I could totally understand if it was a child free wedding but it isn’t, as she’s asked DD. And DS would be old enough to realise we were all going away without him. We don’t really go on holiday so
taking a plane and staying away for a couple of nights would be a very big deal to him and I know he would be sad not to join us.

I don’t want to go in guns blazing if IABU though. What would you say/do?

If she expecting you to pay for the bridesmaids dress, flights to get her there and accommodation? Or is she offering to pay for all of that? SHE is getting a lot out of this for your DD being ornamental in her wedding at your cost!

i would decide that she hasn’t prioritised your family, and would decline the invitation. because that is shitty. if this was a same town wedding and your son could have a sleepover with his best mate then alright. but a other side of the country wedding. no way.

Yes and I accept that, but that’s why you should decide your parameters and apply them fairly and non-discriminatorily; so either kids are welcome OR it’s a child free wedding OR only children of the couple’s relatives.

Saying this child can come but that child from the same family can’t, is very ‘off’ in my opinion.

@Oakeydoke I have never been to a wedding where my kids aren’t invited.

I'm assuming the bride doesn't have kids? What a bizarre situation to invite a whole family except one child!
I wonder if she has done this to other families?
I wouldnt have left my son for several days with anyone at 4 while I was a flight away and not able to easily get back, its a huge ask of anyone to look after your kid for that long too.
Tbh in your shoes I'd probably not go and if I did I'd go alone, wtf does she expect him to do without a meal or a seat? Plonk him in the corridor abd hand him a cheese sandwich?

I’m sure other family members and friends will raise an eyebrow at an invited 4 year old when they’ve left their children behind forking out for childcare.
She shouldn’t have asked DD. There would still be a childcare issue in this.

I would reply calmly and say “given that I will need to leave DH at home to do childcare I think I will attend on my own. I hope you find other flower girls “

Is it a child free wedding excluding the bridal party?

No idea

I agree generally, but I do think children in the wedding party is distinct from child guests generally.

But some child "guests" and not others, I agree, is off.

But then that's why she isn't asking your DS - because she doesn't want to have to ask others who aren't in the wedding party.

Your DD isn't invited as a guest.

Are you suggesting DS should be a page?

It’s not doable. Politely decline and leave it up to her to decide if she wants to invite you as a family.

In any case, if you don't want DD going without DS, I think it's fine to decline the flower girl suggestion.

It sounds to me very much like she only wants you there so you’ll bring your pretty liitle girl as a prop to help make her photos look nice. That’s not friendship. I’d say no thanks.

She wants a pretty flower girl! Will you DD get a chair and eat?

I think you need to decline.

There are some lovely weddings where children and babies are included, given their own place to sit, and easy food, all complete with some nursery workers to look after them.

That is reaching. There is a thousand reasons why she can’t invite extra children without causing offence. I highly doubt she only invited OP to use her daughter as a prop. It’s bizarre that people think like this.

It's not a matter of guns a'blazing.
You simply say, "I'm sorry, but we can't possibly leave the youngest behind. Not only are the logistics a problem, but that would be incredibly hurtful. I somehow thought you knew we had two children. We'll be sorry to miss the event, but of course send all best wishes."

This would upset me, inviting your daughter, buying a lovely new dress while your son is being ignored, not wanted. How can she say he'll have no chair or food with a straight face. It's bonkers, Our friendship would be over, she is being beyond unreasonable

I think you should all decline and save the money for a family holiday instead

You can have a flower girl in the bridal party but no children as guests. That’s probably what she’s planning. Just take your DD for a few days on holiday and enjoy yourselves. You have a DH he can spend the week at home with your DS.

I understand your friend, and would consider it, then reason would kick in and I'd understand i can't invite just one kid from a family. Weddings make our brains go fuzzy. Also with all the guest numbers palaver. Just say you understand, but it's completely impractical and unfair for you to leave your son. It's tricky.

Simple then we wouldn’t go. She’s not that good a friend.

A pp asked if ds would be a page? If both were participants no one else would resent their own children not being there.

He’d be cute and dd could help him.

I think the issue of fairness to the rest of your family and the impact on the family budget is hard to argue with. I would make this the basis of a calm, polite message to your friend saying that on reflection, it won't work to bring your DD and have to disappear when she goes to bed, and use up the limited family budget on that too. So apologies but your DD will not be able to be flower girl (hoping you haven't told her about it already). It's possible you could attend alone but that's the only option for you, and if she in turn decides that she'd rather use the invitation differently, then you will wish her well and hear about it all at a later date.

Personally I think she's been crass, especially on the no chair or food for your 4 year old part. But I would go high on this, as Michelle Obama says, without giving in and making life difficult for yourself.

Why else is the 7 yo invited then? Why invite one and not the other? A 7yo isnt magically better behaved than a 4yo.
it’s obvious that the little girl is wanted to make the photos etc instaworthy.

Yeah that's really rude.
I guess she only wants children who are going to fulfil a role. Other kids are not welcome hence no food and no chair.

X
I would decline all round I think.