Friend says I can bring one child to wedding but not the other

[Oakeydoke]

I have a lovely friend of many years, known since school.

She’s getting married and phoned yesterday to let me know the date, and also to ask if my 7 year old will be flower girl, which DD will be thrilled about so of course I said yes!

I said jokily ‘I assume DS is invited too’ (he’s 4). She went a bit quiet and said ‘is there nobody you can leave him with? Grandparents?’. I was a bit shocked and explained this isn’t an option (infirm PILs). I could in theory leave him with my sister but the logistics would be horrendous as the wedding is at the other end of the country, and Dsis is a couple of hours in another direction.

She said he might be able to come then but wouldn’t be given any wedding food and there wouldn’t be a chair for him at the wedding supper.

I felt a bit stung to be honest. I could totally understand if it was a child free wedding but it isn’t, as she’s asked DD. And DS would be old enough to realise we were all going away without him. We don’t really go on holiday so
taking a plane and staying away for a couple of nights would be a very big deal to him and I know he would be sad not to join us.

I don’t want to go in guns blazing if IABU though. What would you say/do?

So when you asked why he couldnt come what did she say?

It's either the cost, or the fact that she wants a more grown up vibe, or both

That's really nasty of your friend and actually I wouldn't go at all. Why should you spend a fortune on flights and hotels just to have your son and his dad having to find something to occupy themselves with while you're at the wedding?

Does she have children? Surely she knows you can't ask one to take a role in the wedding and expect the other to stand up and not have anything to eat!

I wouldn’t go if he wouldn’t be accommodated like an actual person. If your DD can be fed so can he.

It’s wild that she thinks you can just ditch one of your children 😅😅

I may be wrong but it doesn’t sound like the DD is particularly close to the bride in this case. Inviting a child to be in the wedding party just to look cute and for photos but excluding their sibling entirely is crass.

“I’m sorry, I’ve double-checked the date and we won’t be able to attend sadly.”

She's obvs not as good a friend as you thought.......I'd decline.....politely but frostily.

I would be disgusted if I were you and explain exactly why I was upset. She can't ask one to be flower girl but the other she very clearly does not want there at all. That's awful. I would not go at all. No way would my daughter be her flower girl.

It happens a lot though!

Absolutely but someone expecting a 7 yr old to go and a 4 yr old sibling not to care lacks experience of children.

Op I would probably all not go, kids aren't props

The OP might as well say ‘I’m cutting off my nose to spite my face because I’m sulking you didn’t invite my four year old’.

Or…. Has experience of this 4 year old

Definitely. I don’t have children and find this madness - posters suggesting to palm the four year old on a friend or childminder. You never know your friends as much as anyone thinks they do, who pays for childcare for days whilst they are off on a plane?? No wonder so many children suffer abuse as people don’t seem to care who they abandon them with.

then youdon't ask for elder sister to be flower girl

indeed. Thoughtless friend.

loadsa them around on Mumsnet

I feel like you’ve taken an instant disliking to me and are now looking for any angle to make me (or even my 4 year old!) out to be malevolent, odd people. Am I right? Because you can just plainly say it. In fact I would rather you did.

If she really didn’t want him to attend due to behaviour then the bride is unlikely to have said he could come (minus food and a chair) so quickly. She just wants a flower girl without paying extra for the sibling to attend with his family.

They’re not ‘close’ but when they do see each other they get on well. She lives hundreds of miles away, so we see each other a couple of times a year. We’ve been friends for a very long time and speak at least weekly.

I don't think your friend is as "lovely" as you said in your opening line. Looks like she just wants to use your daughter as a prop in her wedding and given bugger all consideration to the logistics of you attending without your son.
For me, it would be "thanks but no thanks, enjoy your day". And fade....

And?

The bride is in the wrong. She’ll be able to read between the lines.

Absolutely the chance of me leaving my 4 year old with a stranger that offered their services on Facebook is 😱. The thought is horrific, I find it hard that people actually suggest this.

How would you feel about going on your own @Oakeydoke? Or just with your DD if she'd like to attend?

I’d decline the invitation for you all, it’s plain rude not to include both dc

I suppose the positive is that parents being asked to provide children as props find out just how much they really mean to the happy couple.

I would politely decline, it would be too sad for DS to miss out. I would explain why and leave it to friend to decide if she wanted to change her approach (I assume she is restricted by guest numbers rather than being purposely insensitive)