Friend bringing DD on lunch date.

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My good friend is back from overseas for a week to see her family. She comes periodically. Her parents live close to me and this time she has brought her DD 16.
we arranged a while ago to spend the day together this week, I’m off work. We were looking at different things to do. With the weather we decided a nice lunch out in country and maybe a walk if dry. Then she tells me she is bringing her DD16.
I dotn know if this is just me but we all know we can’t say what we want or discuss what we want round our kids. I wouldn’t think of asking my kids (same age) on girls date.
is this just me or do other people find it strange ???
her DD hasn’t seen the grandparents for a while so wondering why she doesn’t want to spend time with them ?
maybe its me but it’s put a dampener on it.
AIBU ???

If a friend suggests a catch up and on mention of a spa day she says her DD/husband/great aunt Mary/whoever they are holidaying with wouldn’t like it then it’s utterly bizarre to assume that it’s just a random comment rather than them coming too.

assuming that the person whose dislike of spas vetoed the spa day isn’t coming is bizarre.

Its another clear example of adults needing to use their words because that was exactly the point the OP should have spoke up to clarify the obviously different thoughts on the catch up.

I find this sort of reply strange. It's not about the 16 year old being uncomfortable but can you genuinely not think of anything you might not want to discuss in front of a 16 year old that you might if you were chatting 1-1 with a friend?

I don't think it was "bizarre" I just think there's been some sort of miscommunication along the way.

But if you can only enjoy seeing a friend if that involves talking about shagging and saying cunt then you're weird, or 13.

Yes, indeed. Me and my women friends value our time together and our conversations. I get what the OP is saying.

I would rearrange, personally. On the basis that going along anyway to something that should have been lovely and regenerating would leave me feeling resentful and depleted. I am getting infinitesimally braver at deciding to say no to things I don’t want to do, and it feels amazing. Would recommend. 🤩

Bit reductionist don’t you think, Wonderhorse?

One of the lovely things about close female friendships is the ability to be vulnerable and irrational and share things you’re struggling with - to give and receive emotional support and share advice on what helped. Some of those things might include parenting. Or challenges with spouse / partner.
I’d argue it’s not possible or appropriate to do that in front of your friend’s 16 year old daughter.

If she billed the holiday as time with her daughter and they only have a week, then a whole day is a lot to spend with you. Maybe a couple of hours having coffee locally would be a better idea.

Or even more simply that the 16-year-old is an additional person that the OP doesn't know very well, which is obviously an inhibiting factor and a very different dynamic than a 1:1 with a friend!

I feel some PPs think they're standing up for the 16-year-old by suggesting there's no issue with bringing her along, but I see it as the opposite- treating her as an extension of her mother and not a person in her own right.

As has already been said, if you'd find it odd for her to assume the husband is invited too, why not the nearly-adult daughter?

If it's an issue with the daughter not wanting to be on her own with grandparents- or especially wanting to join because she likes the OP- those are reasonable reasons to ask if she can come. But you can't just not ask!

This ⬆️

"One of". Exactly. It's one advantage. There are others. I don't have anyone I would consider a friend that I wouldn't want to see if their child was with them.

I have 2, yes 2, friends that do this. Tbh, I haven’t seen one of them for years without her daughter. I’ve just accepted that the dynamic has changed.
with the other friend, there’s four of us and we’re struggling with the same dilemma, I know our friends would be upset if we said no to her daughter being the 5th person out with us but it does change the dynamic of the outing. We’ve explained that it changes the conversation topics especially when someone needs support and it has tailed off a bit.

The friend lives overseas, I'd bet chat would be all very tame. You don't have occasional meet ups with friends and expect them to offload all their very personal, intense dramas.

It's a lunch out with someone she sees periodically! Not a night on the piss oversharing all relationship woes.

The op can obviously ask for the dd to be left elsewhere but I bet next time the pal is visiting she'll give her the swerve.

One of the lovely things about close female friendships is the ability to be vulnerable and irrational and share things you’re struggling with - to give and receive emotional support and share advice on what helped. Some of those things might include parenting. Or challenges with spouse / partner.
I’d argue it’s not possible or appropriate to do that in front of your friend’s 16 year old daughter.

In which case I'd be relieved to have a 16 year old there meaning we only talked about more light-hearted matters as I would not want to either dump a lot of emotional support on someone I barely see nor for them to require it of me. It's supposed to be a fun catch-up.

If you want to have a teenager around to deflect adult conversation, that's fine, but it's obviously not the OP's choice.

It's probably because they're on holiday together, but equally being a teenager can be tough and there are times when you make cling to your parents more (and vice versa). Maybe the daughter has just had her heart broken, is having mental health issues, issues with confidence.

Maybe the mum feels she needs to keep an eye on the daughter because of things that are going on. We don't know.

I totally get why it's annoying, but given she lives in another country I would still suck it up and spend the time with my friend even if it's not how I envisaged it.

They are staying with DD's grandparents though, she could spend time with them if no friends available. It's odd . Maybe DD doesn't like long periods with the grandparents.

Sure, but it is her friend's choice so the OP is not going to change that and has to decide what to do with that information. For me it's mildly annoying but fine, and might even be fun.

My friend used to bring her 2 teenaged daughters with her when we met up. But only if they asked to come too. We met at a coffee shop near a shopping centre, the girls went off round the shops giving us some free time, then joined us after an hour or so and I enjoyed catching up with them too.
I would never turn down a chance to meet up with my friend just because her daughters wanted to tag along. You never know what the future holds.
Meet up with her and enjoy catching up with her daughter too.

Quite right it is the ops choice. Some of us are just trying to steer her in the direction of being reasonable though as she did infact ask for opinions.

It is lunch out with a friend she sees occasionally. A 16 yr dd present should not spoil the ops ability to chat. It's nice to see friend's kids in this kind of scenario.

People who do this are thoughtless and rude. You are not being unreasonable. I do think you should raise it with her. Nicely of course.

No, it isnt nice. Its bloody annoying.

I would bring my son and pay him to take the daughter off somewhere to give you a chance to catch up. Respond and say'i hadn't realised it was kids tooz I'll bring Be twinkly jr so the kids can entertain themselves while we catch up properly'

I get that it's disappointing OP but at least you will see your friend. And maybe DD will go to browse the shops at some point. Cancelling would be a drastic thing to do since there's no guarantee it can be rearranged, and maybe your friend has decided not to leave DD during their holiday.

She is on a trip with her daughter. I think it would be weird for her to leave her daughter at the hotel so you could have an adult conversation. Can’t you save that stuff for a zoom or FaceTime call and enjoy spending time with both of them.