Friend bringing DD on lunch date.

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My good friend is back from overseas for a week to see her family. She comes periodically. Her parents live close to me and this time she has brought her DD 16.
we arranged a while ago to spend the day together this week, I’m off work. We were looking at different things to do. With the weather we decided a nice lunch out in country and maybe a walk if dry. Then she tells me she is bringing her DD16.
I dotn know if this is just me but we all know we can’t say what we want or discuss what we want round our kids. I wouldn’t think of asking my kids (same age) on girls date.
is this just me or do other people find it strange ???
her DD hasn’t seen the grandparents for a while so wondering why she doesn’t want to spend time with them ?
maybe its me but it’s put a dampener on it.
AIBU ???

Yes she’s a good friend and wouldn’t want to offend her. Which if I mentioned Dd would I’m sure. Maybe lesson learnt when she brings her again !

Surely it is better to see your friend with her DD than not see her at all? As some others have said I think it is different as they are effectively on holiday, so leaving her DD at home with nothing to do wouldn't seem right. It would be entirely different if they lived locally.

You are saying bringing her daughter along results in her friend having to make a sacrifice. That says it all sadly.

@Renamedyetagain would you feel the same if OP's friend wanted to bring her husband along?

OP I'd be really pissed off in your situation. Time off work and freedom to go for a nice lunch etc are precious commodities to us working parents, and I don't want to spend it making polite conversation with relatives of my friends. If I wanted to chat to other people's teens I'd volunteer at a youth club!

I will still see her on an evening but not spend as much time as a day time trip out somewhere.

My mum lives overseas and sees my teens once every couple of years. My teens are lovely people but very quickly run out of things to talk about with their granny and I imagine in this scenario would much rather go with me than be left with their granny at home. So I can see from that point of view how this could happen. The teen may be desperate not to spend time with their grandparents!!!

My 16 year old daughter is pretty cool and some of my friends like hanging out with her. There are few things I wouldn't talk about around her and I think my friends are the same? But either way, she would probably zone out after a while and just go on Snapchat, tic tok etc ...

I would just accept it for now.if I were you and make the most of it.

yes! I know. Will see. I feel a bit mean really thinking this way !!

Really? You talk about anything and everything?

You're not mean. It's an unfair pressure to comply with someone else's wishes and not assert your own. Some people obviously love hanging out with teenagers, but you wanted to meet your friend.

Maybe her dd might want to also see you if she also knows you well. Could you just acknowledge this might be the case by saying you’ll pop by to see her dd on a separate visit for an hour or so, but that you were looking forward to a one on one girly catch up with your friend?

I was going to say something like this. If they live overseas the daughter probably doesn’t have friends here.

Just say lets have a quick cuppa & cake as DD is here, we'll catch up properly next time x

I would cancel. I wouldn't want to have to rush to say what I really want to talk about while daughter has gone to the loo. Also, seems like your friend isn't that bothered about having a proper catch up with you if she has her daughter in tow.

could you give her £15 to go to the pictures if there’s one nearby? that’s what happened back in the day, adjusted for inflation lol.

could you change the venue to a local museum or large art gallery or cafe or something that the teen can bugger off and wander round while you're still onsite (if the mums overprotective of her).

the reason youd give to the mother is “is your daughter planning on staying with us the whole time or just eating and heading off somewhere? As she will be bored out her mind with our convo. be better if she had somewhere to hang for a bit that she might enjoy. Perhaps we could choose a different venue near something she’d enjoy?”.

OP just be honest with her, because I don't think you're the friend she thinks you are. You find her good company under certain fairly strict conditions, that's not a close friendship. You can be disappointed by the day not being what you would choose to do, but if you don't get to see her often and this is a deal breaker for going then you're not that bothered about her.

I'd be annoyed too and it's already changed what you can do as your friend seems to have vetoed a bar & I'm not sure a spa would allow a 16 year old in anyway because of insurance etc.

I suspect you'll just have to suck it up this time and tread more carefully the next.

I don’t think you were being naive as maybe just not listening? She literally said that her DD was part of the trip and you chose to interpret it in a way I’m not sure anyone else would. I genuinely can’t see why you’d assume she wouldn’t bring her when she literally said she was.

I think you’ve come at it from a different angle. You’re see friend catch up as friends who live nearby would catch up. She’s seeing it as meeting you while her and her DD are on holiday so naturally it includes her DD.

Suck this one up but make sure that next time you make sure it doesn’t happen again by saying you want an adult catch up.
It is difficult as I once had a friend like this. They were joined at the hip. My other friends and I, got to the point where we just discussed anything, whether it was appropriate or not. Still didn’t deter her bringing her but it wasn’t our responsibility to edit what we said. None of the rest of us ever bought our similar aged kids.

Then the woman shouldn't arrange a catch up with a friend.

Well, OP helpfully went to the trouble of posting about it, so we do actually know how she feels.

I am not sure it should be shocking to suggest women are actually allowed to make plans without those plans having to be open to everyone else.

OP, I'd say something very gently- not least because it'll otherwise be much harder to do so next time.

Or the friend shouldn’t assume the woman isn’t going to have her daughter with her when she very clearly states she will - there’s no other interpretation of the spa comment that’s remotely logical.

That was the time for the OP to decline the catchup. Rather than make a bizarre assumption.

I don't think it was "bizarre". I think when a woman friend suggests a catch up, that's what you'd think it was. Anyway, she'll have to clarify or cancel.

Reading the replies I'm literally expecting one that says why not tell the daughter to just p... off. Unbelievable!

This would not bother me in the slightest, she's 16 not 6. Not like it's going to be soft play and Mcdonalds. I enjoy seeing my friends kids and I've no idea what discussion would be so adult on this lunch 'date' that a 16yr old would be uncomfortable with.

That said it clearly bothers you so just contact her and say you were <weirdly, imo> hoping for adults only so could her dd perhaps stay with Granny.

However, no one has said that.