Friend bringing DD on lunch date.

[BeTwinklyOliveNewt]

My good friend is back from overseas for a week to see her family. She comes periodically. Her parents live close to me and this time she has brought her DD 16.
we arranged a while ago to spend the day together this week, I’m off work. We were looking at different things to do. With the weather we decided a nice lunch out in country and maybe a walk if dry. Then she tells me she is bringing her DD16.
I dotn know if this is just me but we all know we can’t say what we want or discuss what we want round our kids. I wouldn’t think of asking my kids (same age) on girls date.
is this just me or do other people find it strange ???
her DD hasn’t seen the grandparents for a while so wondering why she doesn’t want to spend time with them ?
maybe its me but it’s put a dampener on it.
AIBU ???

Not really, you have to be careful what you say to friends . You don’t want to upset or hurt feelings, not as simple as spelling it out to her. As clearly she sees no issue

Well maybe talking about your husband ( a little 🤣 your own kids . Money discussing our holiday plans it could be absolutely anything
reminiscing on our last girls hols, wouldn’t be for a 16 year olds ears. There is a lot you can’t discuss with a 16 year old present

Exactly !!! You can’t just discuss adult topics in front of a teenager

Exactly 🤣🤣 yes I will suck up and not get caught again ! 🤞🤞🤞🤞

Must be in the minority here but I cant even imagine going to meet my friend from another country and expecting her to leave her daughter in the hotel one of the days doomscrolling, just because I wanted to talk about NSFW stuff.

Especially if I didnt see her much because she lived abroad. Imagine being like "oh your daughter's coming? Then im out" nah what? 😂

So her potential hurt is more important than the fact that you don’t want to spend a day with her 16 year old? Why?

She’s presumably staying with her grandparents. Either way, I’d expect a 16 year old who speaks the language to be capable of amusing herself for a few hours without being stuck to her mother’s side!

Well , lesson learned! You'll know to avoid next time!

@BeTwinklyOliveNewt this is the most bizarre post for me why in earth can’t you look at flights and hotels in front of a 16 year old, that’s not really what I would consider an adult topic. This is very strange, it’s a one off she’s 16 it may be a really nice catch up- I think you’re making a mountain out of a molehill. It did make me chuckle though the thought of flights being discussed in hushed tones not to upset the children 🙄

“Ahhh friend, I was hoping it would just be us two so we could gossip freely. You know I love DD but I’m surprised she’d want to send her day hanging out with her mum and friend 😂”

Make sure you don't pay for the pair of them or go 50/50!

I have read your post twice OP, and many of the responses.
No doubt I will be in the minority, but here goes:
Your response is frankly awful.
The poor girl is your friend's daughter and she would probably rather be made to feel welcome instead of a nuisance.
The chances of the girl listening agog to your conversation is not likely. Her 'phone will be far more interesting.
There will be plenty of opportunity to chat sotto voce.
I hope your friend does not discover how you feel.

Well, I would actually expect a good friend just to assume that my reasons were good enough and I don't have to tell you, but I will anyway.

-Kid doesn't get much time with mum and they are on holiday together for only 1 week so mum doesn't want to leave her out - this week we come as a package
-GP don't want to hang out with kid or vice versa.
-GP have guests over or something that doesn't involve kid and there isn't another place kid can go
-Kid is having a rough time/ is neurodivergent/ has MH difficulties and leaving them alone not a good idea
-Kid wanted to catch up with friend and thought the same would be true
-In our tightly packed week schedule we had something on together afterwards and it was more convenient to stay / travel together
-I actually don't want to give friend advice/ hear about her problems during my week holiday and bringing the kid is a way of avoiding that and keeping it light

Probably loads of other potential reasons really! I like hanging out with my friends without kids as much as the next woman but the idea of someone asking me to leave DD behind when I'd already said she was coming is really irritating to me.

Why would she be upset though?
You are not saying that you dislike her daughter but that you rather just spend time with a good friend. You both have different expectations of your lunch but that's why you talk and figure it out. Honestly sometimes I'm glad that I have a more "direct" cultural background, all this hemming and hawing would do my head in.
And honestly as a 16 year old I'd rather be traipsing through the shops or watching Netflix than hang out with my mum's friends.

Oh okay I missed where it said she was staying with family. My bad.

Still though, I wouldn't be this cut up about it if my mate said she was bringing her daughter to lunch in the slightest, especially to the point of potentially feigning illness. But im clearly in the minority.

Who needs enemies with friends like this. 😐

Please dont make your feelings known to your friend while you "suck it up this time" and lets hope she doesnt see this thread 🙂 the way you've spoken is pretty harsh and the situation is probably pretty outing if she uses MN.

Why does she have to sit with them and scroll on her phone? Why can't she do that at her grandparents, or look at some shops or go to a Costa? What 16 year old wants to hang out with Mum and Mum's friend?
Let the women have a catch up.

I’m from a traditionally even more indirect cultural background, and was raised by a chronic people-pleaser, and even I can see there’s a very straightforward way to resolve this.

The girl is with her grandparents in their family home, she's not stranded in some hotel. Not sure why she can't just stay with them for a couple of hours.

How is it harsh?

16 is a young adult. I’m sure it’s nice for her to be more involved in adult conversations. She probably also is prioritising spending time with her daughter. Which is ok too!

This.

And the OP has pointed out a number of times that she will be ‘spending money’ during the meet up, which implies she considers it a waste of money if she has to meet her daughter too, Not a nice thing to say.

Maybe it’s time you got to know the daughter.
She is your friend’s priority, not you.
They are including you.
It isn’t you including the daughter.

If you don’t like it, cancel plans and say you can only meet for a glass of wine one evening or ask her around to your house instead so your kids can chat together.

Then spend time with the daughter. Don't arrange with the friend.

Talking about sucking up seeing her friend this time for bringing her daughter just comes across as harsh to me. If her daughter isn't welcome OP should just suck it up and tell her so that her friend can decide if she still wants to meet, instead of starting a thread on here surely? 🤷‍♀️

Maybe it’s the friend’s way of avoiding listening to the OP talk A LOT about money.

The cost of lunch, the holiday, flights…. the poor friend is probably needs some light relief so could be dragging her unwilling daughter along!!