Friend bringing DD on lunch date.

[BeTwinklyOliveNewt]

My good friend is back from overseas for a week to see her family. She comes periodically. Her parents live close to me and this time she has brought her DD 16.
we arranged a while ago to spend the day together this week, I’m off work. We were looking at different things to do. With the weather we decided a nice lunch out in country and maybe a walk if dry. Then she tells me she is bringing her DD16.
I dotn know if this is just me but we all know we can’t say what we want or discuss what we want round our kids. I wouldn’t think of asking my kids (same age) on girls date.
is this just me or do other people find it strange ???
her DD hasn’t seen the grandparents for a while so wondering why she doesn’t want to spend time with them ?
maybe its me but it’s put a dampener on it.
AIBU ???

She's 16, they never twiddle their thumbs! She can have a day with the grandparents or go to a shopping centre or something.
Not hang out with her Mum and Mum's mate!

No, it's not a good idea - just tell her.

I’m confused. Surely it was clear from the point that you made arrangements other than the spa that her daughter was coming? It wasn’t dropped on you last night at all. There is no other way to interpret “let’s not go to the spa as my daughter won’t like it” other than that her daughter was coming too. It wasn’t a “warning sign”, it was literally an explicit statement.

She obviously thought it was clear from the offset that her daughter would be with her.

I agree with you that I wouldn’t be particularly pleased, but I’m not sure why you’re surprised.

Yes definitely could be an element of this. But they have had plans to go out every day here shopping seeing family etc so it’s not like the whole week she hasn’t done anything 🤷

Plus; it's not your responsibility to entertain someone else's 16 year old. You're meeting up with a friend. The friend arranges for the girl to do something else.

This. She told you her dd was coming??

No I totally didn’t expect her to bring her I was surprised by the spa comment but still didn’t expect her to bring as I think it’s strange thing to do, but clearly not to my friend. So definitely didn’t think she was going to bring her. Again maybe I was too naive

Exactly! All the conversation is going to be towards her and not what we want to talk about! Which would involve no doubt inappropriate conversation to a child 🤪

Exactly! Grown women have women's conversations. All that's going to happen is you'll focus on the girl and talk about her. I'd bin it off if she's definitely going to bring her.

Some grandparents are good fun, some can be really stuffy. Some kids have a great relationship with extended family, some can be a bit shy or awkward with them. If they live overseas I guess she isn’t regularly spending time alone with these grandparents so the idea might not sound as fun as you assume it would be for your kids.

Slogging round a shopping centre alone is hardly fun, most teenagers enjoy it with their mates. The key thing here is there is no one locally for the girl to hang out with.

The friend said when they were arranging the trip that the girl wouldn’t like the original activity so they changed it. Her coming along is not new information!

Yes I’m lying here wondering what I can say 🤪

I agree, she told you she was coming.

Perhaps grandparents already have commitments on that day, and Dd thinks lunch with mum and her friend is preferable to spending time watching granddad play golf or grandma go the dentist or whatever.

My Dd would happily wander round shops alone, but probably wouldn’t want to go off and have lunch by herself in an unfamiliar town, when she was supposed to be on holiday, so I don’t think it’s that strange.

Is it too late to call her back and discuss this or leave the ball in her court with a text message? I would have thought if she normally just meets you without DD in tow that she'd say something explicit about it. Maybe the grandparents have medical appointments or something and can't occupy a teenager today. Either way, you'd think she'd be more "sorry, gotta bring DD...is that OK?" I'm surprised you didn't question it at the time or soon after.

OMG I'd hate that. Even if her DD is quiet and polite (and what kind of a teenager would agree to this anyway??)

I have a friend who takes her teen DD everywhere and that girl is insufferable - butts into conversations, wants to know everything - who is that? what is that? and he said what? Sometimes even pushes in between me and her mum so she can hear better. I haven't had a proper conversation with this friends for ever and, tbh, I dont even think of her as a friend now.

She made a fleeting comment about her not liking the original trip that we didn’t do in the end as it was difficult to sort a date. I didn’t take it from that she was bringing on anything we did as to me I thought that would be odd. So clearly not everyone thinks like me. And her grandparents are little stuffy but we are only put few hours I would think !

@BeTwinklyOliveNewt is it possible that your friend is looking at it as including you in her and her daughter's holiday plans rather than you and friend including daughter in lunch plans?

Everyone is the centre of their own universe and all.

The spa comment absolutely should have given you the heads up that her DD was coming, why else would it matter if she thought her DD wouldn't like it??

I'd make your lunch destination either a quick bite (soup n sandwich) in a cheap n cheerful cafe/coffee shop, max 1 hour, get in get out and go enjoy the rest of your day OR somewhere really fancy, long leisurely with wine/cocktails if that's your thing and just do your best to enjoy the food and ambience and some time with your friend - whichever option makes you feel less salty about a 16 year old gate crashing your lunch.

I'm with you btw, it changes the dynamics completely, so see if you can swing it to something that suits you too.

Say "I thought it was just going to be the 2' of us for a catch up? Perhaps another time if you can't make it"

Talk about stuff which would hold no interest to the daughter at all! Hopefully, the daughter will be so bored that she will never again want to accompany her mother to a similar thing. 😂

Oh dear !!! Someone else who thinks it’s ok to bring kids then. No my friends daughter is lovely but I really don’t need to spend three hours of my day off talking to her about what 🤷🤷🤷🤪🤪🤪

So, you'd completely waste your time? Why not just be upfront?

No, I understand you didn’t think she was coming, my point is that I don’t understand why you didn’t think she was coming given that she had already made it clear she intended to bring her daughter.

What did you actually think she meant by turning down the spa because her daughter wouldn’t enjoy it? Did you think she meant her daughter wouldn’t approve of her mother going to the spa? Or what? Genuinely asking.

I really don’t understand what part of “my daughter won’t like the spa so let’s do something else” isn’t making it abundantly clear that she was making plans with you that included her daughter.

Again, I sympathise because I wouldn’t be particularly thrilled to hang out with an 16 year old I don’t know particularly well either. But I just don’t understand the confusion.

Most 16 year olds would be absolutely gagging for a bit of freedom to get out and explore on their own...are you sure this poor kid even WANTS to have to tag along with mummy and her friend?? Your friend needs to relax and let her kid have a bit of independence and an adventure on her own.

Personally I wouldn't have an issue with this regardless of the age of her daughter. I love mixing with people of all ages including children. I would welcome her with open arms and say its lovely to see you.

It wouldn't bother me at all, but then my friends children have been included in plans since they were born so I have a relationship with them.

Your friend has come from overseas and is making time to see you. I can imagine it's been stressful for her, having a teen daughter surrounded by family she might not be close to. Perhaps the girl needs a break. Are you not close enough that you would be happy to help your friend facilitate that?

Why not choose to be understanding, and make the best of it.