Friend bringing DD on lunch date.

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My good friend is back from overseas for a week to see her family. She comes periodically. Her parents live close to me and this time she has brought her DD 16.
we arranged a while ago to spend the day together this week, I’m off work. We were looking at different things to do. With the weather we decided a nice lunch out in country and maybe a walk if dry. Then she tells me she is bringing her DD16.
I dotn know if this is just me but we all know we can’t say what we want or discuss what we want round our kids. I wouldn’t think of asking my kids (same age) on girls date.
is this just me or do other people find it strange ???
her DD hasn’t seen the grandparents for a while so wondering why she doesn’t want to spend time with them ?
maybe its me but it’s put a dampener on it.
AIBU ???

Clearly I'm in the minority. I'd absolutely want to bring my daughter to see an old friend on holiday. And I certainly wouldn't edit anything, maybe only anything sexual?!

But then i love getting to know friends' kids as they get older and hanging out. I also teach teens so love their company...they are so funny, insightful and honest.

There's always time for 1:1 catchups. Catchups with a friend and daughter are rarer, and lovely. Me and my friend often have lunches with our 16 yr olds and then they leave us to the wine! That could be a nice compromise..

yes there is this! Is she making her come ?! I think her DD likes me so it’s maybe preferable to come with me and get lunch than stay home !!!

I get this but for us the dynamic is three as my kids are boys for a start older and coming with us would not interest them in the slightest !

There's not plenty of time for a 1-2-1 catch up, because the friend lives overseas.
No, not everyone wants to have their meet up with a friend to include a teenager. I wouldn't.

You could just call sick and take a day to yourself.

Which is why the wine after is a compromise. I also find, treat teens as equals and they will raise the bar with their conversation...and frankness! They're not kids any more. Anyway, thats just my take. Me and my friends are delighted when a teen offspring graces us with their presence 😆

At the lunch just start saying oh partner and I are having issues. He is having problems getting a hard on. Not sure what to do about it.

Just talk to your friend. For goodness sake. Speak up woman. If you are not happy, don’t just go along with it. Tell her you were looking forward to an adult catch up.

Normally I would consider it strange to take a child along to an adult catch up, but as you say she is visiting briefly from overseas I think it's a bit different. Perhaps she feels bad leaving her DD with her grandparents while she swans off with her friends. I assume they are seeing a lot of the grandparents already so feels she needs to take DD out the house. Perhaps an evening catch up would have been better than a whole day event, maybe you could change to this and she would be happy to then leave DD behind having done something with her in the day?

This sounds like your misunderstanding. It was never this "girl date" thing at all to your friend.

We are at a similar life stage and we just roll with it when friends bring their teens along. I'd usually prefer it was just adults but I like my friends and this stage won't be forever. I think there is usually a reason behind it, in our case teens' MH difficulties etc. Here maybe it's just that they are on holiday together. That's enough for me.

Say, hey I really need to talk to you about X Y and Z and won’t really be able to in front of DD. Can we see each other 1-1 in the evening too? Or is there any scope for the day to just be us?

I think yes the spa comment should have been when you said, hold on DD is coming? And said then can it just be us please

I also see the point that it’s like the mum and DD are on holiday, so it’s more you’re joining their day, than the DD joining your day. Maybe your friend wanted the DD to spend time with you to be part of the holiday fun.

I think the fact they’re on holiday together for a week makes it a bit different.
At home I’d leave a 16 yo dd to sort herself out while I met a friend for lunch. Wouldn’t do that in another country

Her DD probably doesn't know the area well for going out and about on her own and maybe doesn't want to be with her grandparents all day. I'm lucky in that I know all my friend's DC, or have certainly met them a few times, so it wouldn't be an issue for me.

On reflection thankfully I'm not the only one who would welcome a young person joining in.The friend is obviously of the same opinion or she wouldn't bring her. There is enough division in the world without resenting & excluding family members regardless of their age.

Is it a compliment to you perhaps that she sees you a someone she wants her daughter to meet? And feels enough confidence in you to do this?
It might be cultural with me- but I've always seen people's relatives as an extension of the friendship if they consider it so.
It's not like you can't communicate outside the meeting up if there's something really personal.
So in your friends shoes if I wanted to bring my daughter that'd be a compliment and if you were uncomfortable with it I'd be a bit taken aback and I'd want to accommodate you but maybe I'd feel less confident in the friendship. And conversely I'd be interested in meeting my friends daughter. And both ways I'd see it somehow as experience of socialising being a good thing and automatically adapt to the situation. And that being how I was raised culturally.

It's not about the tragedy of division in the world. It's not about resentment and exclusion. It's about wanting to have time with an adult friend. Why are women expected to sacrifice their free time for the sake of someone else's preference?

I can see why it’s annoying but if she is a good friend and they are only over for a week I think you just accept it.

toying with that but feel bad not telling truth 🙈

Would the DD be happy for her friends mum to come along when the DD meets her friends?

It wouldn't bother me. I frequently meet up with friends and their teenage kids. They are fabulous and I haven't really found any topics we couldn't discuss in their presence. Unless you usually talk about "colouring".

yes. She wouldn’t have friends here. Only family, that’s true

🤣🤣I don’t think I would be invited then !

I think as she lives abroad and you see her only rarely,then just suck it up. A nice lunch out and maybe a bit of shopping .or a trip to Museum or Castle maybe ? You may be surprised and have a good time!

Yes, you may be right. 🤞

Yes I agree with this. She is over here with her daughter and is seeing you while they are both here. Given the choice I would always spend time with my daughter over a friend anyway