Friend bringing DD on lunch date.

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My good friend is back from overseas for a week to see her family. She comes periodically. Her parents live close to me and this time she has brought her DD 16.
we arranged a while ago to spend the day together this week, I’m off work. We were looking at different things to do. With the weather we decided a nice lunch out in country and maybe a walk if dry. Then she tells me she is bringing her DD16.
I dotn know if this is just me but we all know we can’t say what we want or discuss what we want round our kids. I wouldn’t think of asking my kids (same age) on girls date.
is this just me or do other people find it strange ???
her DD hasn’t seen the grandparents for a while so wondering why she doesn’t want to spend time with them ?
maybe its me but it’s put a dampener on it.
AIBU ???

I'm quite interested in these replies and disagree with most of them. If I were visiting home for one week with my daughter I would expect my friend to understand that I had limited time, was making time for her, and had my reasons for bringing my daughter along. I'm not saying you're wrong to feel disappointed or want the time alone together, but if you tried to insist on it you'd really piss me off because I'd feel like you were only interested in seeing me on your terms and weren't bothered about my circumstances.

I can think of loads of reasons why I would want or need to bring my 16 year old (I have one) and I'd be quite offended that you weren't interested in catching up with them since presumably you rarely see them. It's just a different kind of meet up. Maybe not quite as satisfying to you but are you her friend or not? Are you only interested if you get the kind of meeting YOU want?

Totally agree.

nothing would be talked about like that but not everything is appropriate to discuss in front of a 16 year old .

So talk about the other stuff. If that's not better than not seeing her at all then you don't have much of a friendship.

Feeling like this x it’s the cost as well as we said nice place to eat if I knew she was coming we could have gone cheaper x

Are there any shops around where you are lunching? If so perhaps DD could just join you for food and then take herself off while you and friend catch up proper?

I do agree with you I would hate this.

No there isn’t ! We discussed the shops but we didn’t really want to travel on train etc

Again, all good reasons- but ask!

The plan belongs to both the people who made it.

And even if you just want to talk about old friends and acquaintances DD doesn’t know or old haunts she doesn’t know, that’s going to bore the pants off the DD.

I would definitely still suggest it just being the 2 of you instead. As a PP said, what have you got to lose? You can frame the ask in a nice way - where you still keep it open for DD if that's a non-negotiable. DD may be relieved to be given an out!

I bet the DD is thinking “ oh God, I have to spend the day with OrdinaryGirl!” I mean its not much fun for her either. But if you are a good friend you will suck it up because you rarely get chance to see her and something is better than nothing surely?

I agree. I can't understand people saying to cancel because of the daughter being with her. Looking at it from the other way round, I'd be quite upset if a friend who'd moved overseas was back in the area but said she couldnt meet up with me because her dd would be with her! I'd be saying how lovely it would be to see both of them.

Maybe just arrange to grab a coffee then. That way you won't have the expense of lunch, time limited for you to get bored with the dd and you don't have to cancel. Just find an excuse and get on with it.

Some people seem to be misunderstanding, and assume OP wants to spend the day talking about sex and marital problems, which can't be discussed in front of a teen. It's not so much the age of friend's daughter that's the issue. It's the fact that she's an additional person, who OP might be fond of, but is not OP's friend. It would be just the same if the friend said she was bringing her husband/friend/cousin/aunt/mum/son.

I have friends I meet for lunch 1-to-1. We talk about work, kids, partners, getting old etc etc. We've known each other for decades and have a shared history, so our conversations are a mixture of reminiscence, reflection, and new issues. It would be hard for an additional person to slot in, especially if they were 30+ years younger than us, with none of our life experiences. We'd have to adjust our conversation, which would change the occasion, and make it not what we wanted.

I’m gonna stick my neck out here and say that actually I love to get to know the kids of my good friends. Especially their daughters, as I don’t have any myself!
So can you not just see it as an opportunity to get to catch up with both of them? I do take your point that it’ll change the conversation though. But it can be nice in a different way.
Or is there the opportunity to do a bit of both situations, ie see the both of them for part of the day, then just your friend alone for a bit as well?

She's a pal who lives overseas who you see periodically. I don't think this will be the intense chat you're expecting.
More likely a quick catch up about family, jobs etc then off you go.
Saying not to bring her dd would be weird when you then sit chatting about everyday things.

Yes I agree completely but think it’s wrong to not even ask it’s been said like it’s a given with no thought maybe for what I think 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

No I’m not only interested in what I want, but that works both ways assuming I want lunch with someone’s child I have two of my own not coming. And I wanted to spend time with her which is not the same whichever we you look at it with a teenager.

Presumably she can spend time with her daughter any time. Parents are allowed to prioritise friendships sometimes.

Are you missing the part where OP said friend has travelled from overseas with her daughter? Perhaps you would leave your daughter in a hotel on her own for an afternoon while you had adult conversation with your friend. It seems OP’s friend doesn’t want to do that. She’s allowed that too.

YANBU. Why on earth does the DD even want to come?!

My DD (when they were that age,) would rather have stuck pins in their eyes than come out with me and my friends!

Wouldn't bother me. I recently had to take several months off work to support my ((much younger) DD through a mental health crisis.
During that time I reconnected with a group of very old boarding school friends and explained the situation. They all travelled to where I live because I couldn't afford to travel far, and they welcomed my DD with open arms.
I also regularly meet with one of my best friends and her teen daughter.
All of us were wild in our youth and we talk about it. It doesn't take anything away from the experience it's just who we are now and where we're at now.
Her daughter is 16 and probably a lot more worldly than you imagine. Her mum is showing her where she came from and teaching her about her life and the people in it. It could be a really fun day for all of you.

No she is staying with her parents. I agree staying at a hotel and leaving her would be wrong,

Only a suggestion OP but could it be anything to with you resenting she has a daughter she understandably wants to show off to you, her development into a young adult etc & wants to share
this. Perhaps she even thinks you would be delighted to see her at this new stage. I think you have to look at the bigger picture if you feel so much negativity towards spending time with this young lady.

Yes. What topics would you think were inappropriate for a 16 year old to be aware of? Politics? Work troubles? CoL concerns? Health?
The only thing I don't discuss in front of my friends' kids is any particular issues my friends are experiencing with their kids. Which is not really something that affects me, more their parents. And they can tell me about it separately on the phone at another time.