Friend bringing DD on lunch date.

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My good friend is back from overseas for a week to see her family. She comes periodically. Her parents live close to me and this time she has brought her DD 16.
we arranged a while ago to spend the day together this week, I’m off work. We were looking at different things to do. With the weather we decided a nice lunch out in country and maybe a walk if dry. Then she tells me she is bringing her DD16.
I dotn know if this is just me but we all know we can’t say what we want or discuss what we want round our kids. I wouldn’t think of asking my kids (same age) on girls date.
is this just me or do other people find it strange ???
her DD hasn’t seen the grandparents for a while so wondering why she doesn’t want to spend time with them ?
maybe its me but it’s put a dampener on it.
AIBU ???

Then tell her you want to just be the two of you.

Though you might be pleasantly surprised either by her company, or lack of it where she stays face down in her phone.

She is also 16, doesn’t need you to censor your conversations around her, unless you were going to talk about things that her mum wouldn’t want getting back to her husband etc.

Awful post. Op should be thankful she has a friend who wants to meet up.
So what if the daughter comes. She's not a random girl she's the friends daughter.

OP wants to have a good old moan how boring Not have a good laugh. Maybe that's why she's bringing her if that's all you do.

Miserable person. I wouldn't say anything at all just accept it and be nice to the daughter. She's part of the friend after all.

I cannot believe that people are prepared to fall out and upset their friends and cause awkwardness of something so trivial.
Easy come easy go and that way you will keep your friendships longer and when she's visiting family as said your lucky she's got time to fit you in.

It's not an "awful post" just because you disagree with it? 😂
Blimey, some people are getting het up! 😂

It is for reasons explained. If you want to upset your friends and cause awkwardness go ahead.
Be thankful for what you have.

I think you have the wrong poster.
I've done none of the above!

Good luck OP! I think some posters are getting a bit angry on here, which is a puzzler! I don't really want more silly accusations and juvenile responses so I'll just back away quietly and say adieu! 🤣
I hope you have a nice time!

It’s probably possible the 16 year old could be left at home to their own devices for a few hours, but then you’re assuming that’s convenient with the grandparents. To be honest, it’s a daytime activity and I wouldn’t be bothered by the DD coming along when I know they live overseas. Does your friend sometimes travel alone?

My children are not a part of me, we are all independent people with our own friendships. There are things I talk to my friends about that I don't want their children to know. Because those children are not my friends.

I wonder what people would say if the OP's friend just randomly brought along her husband. After all it's family so what's the difference?

It's totally inappropriate behaviour by the friend. Everyone who does this knows it's totally inappropriate. If they get away with it once, they maybe able to delude themselves that friend(s) love the DD and want her to be there. I don't have a single friend who would even think about doing this. It's best nipped in the bud - okay, if you're seeing your DD, let's rearrange.

OP I suspect if you'd posted about your friend bringing her husband the replies would have been different.

No one would be saying "maybe she just wants to show off her lovely husband", "obviously she can't just leave her poor husband on his own back at the hotel", "why on earth would her husband's presence affect your conversation", "you can't expect your friend to come on holiday and not spend all her time with her husband", "maybe you could bring your husband to chat to him", "why shouldn't your friend be able to spend quality time with her husband on holiday".

I had a friend do that with her 15 year old, she was visiting from the US, only had one day we could get together with another of our friends too. I always left my Dd of same age behind at home.
We were surprised to see her rock up with her teen daughter, her boys had said no and stayed with family.
She was bored silly with three old ladies having lunch, and didn't do it again until this year. Same scenario and this time mentioned her Dd was with her, now she's 22 and more interested in everyone and everything, joined in conversations and was lovely to visit with.
I'd just let it go this time, the daughter and Mom may realise it's not something she wants and bow out of the next invite to join you.

I'm not name calling - I am defending that poor child who is being criticised on this platform by so-called adults.

I’d say

hi, I’d not realised your dd would be with us, I bet she will be totally boarded with us two oldies. Let’s catch up for coffee and ditch the lunch. Then we can catch up” properly” another time you’re home just the two of us.

means you still see your friend but don’t waste lunch date

Given she's on holiday here with her DD, I think your expectation it would be just you and her was a naive one to make, though I see why you wouldn't really have thought about it. The Spa conversation was a clear message that the DD was coming though, so I think you being surprised by it is on you. You'd be going to a spa otherwise!

Not all kids, especially teens, like their grandparents, some grandparents are even a bit unpleasant to kids, so it may be pretty unfair to drag her here and then head off for a fun day leaving the teen behind.

So I think you should accept that your friend has to think of her DD and make the best of it. No, you can't talk like you would if the daughter wasn't there, but it's an opportunity to be a friend, get to know what is probably the most important person in her life and give them both a good time while they are on holiday.

You can always video call when she's back in her home country to natter with a bottle of wine.

i have a friend that did this once , myself and our other friend explained that it’s so rare to get quality time away from kids and often a logistical nightmare that we would prefer it to be just grown ups . She totally got it and was just clueless previously.

no hotel involved staying with parents

No! Strange how people twist situations 😤

Yes! I think this is it will have to go with it and see how it goes!

Yes often on her own or with whole family just dd this one

Absolutely none of that is the OP’s problem. I lived overseas for years and when I visited my home country, o certainly didn’t bring my teenager out with my friends.

If you definitely can’t rearrange this time to be a coffee meet-up, only agree to casual coffees in future, and only if it suits you without taking time off work. She’s obviously not prioritising time with you as much as you were prepared to for her. Good luck 🪴.

Well if she's there, and you need to have these conversations, you have them. It's not exactly sex talk. The worst that will happen is she's bored, but that's not your problem.

This has given me a glimpse into the future with one of my friends and see that it’s probably time to end our friendship for good.

I have posted a couple of times before about a very close friend who brings her young daughter everywhere - including when she was 7 last year to a spa day with a group of friends who had all worked hard to arrange childcare.

We tried to tell her we wanted to see her without her DD when her DH and grandparents were happy to look after her but she had deluded herself that her DD was “one of the girls” and seemed to think we loved her company.

I posted about a big row with her last year when we agreed to meet alone in a restaurant but she brought her DD again who dominated the conversation.
My friend just smiled adoringly when she tried to chime in on anything we attempted to talk about - at one point giving me relationship advice!

We had an argument in the end when my friend let her keep bothering a group of women on another table and I realised she didn’t care about anyone else and it was just about pleasing her child.
The women kept telling her DD to “go back to her mummy” or “her table” but my friend wasn’t stepping in and had convinced herself that her DD’s presence was appreciated.

We didn’t speak for over a year but my friend got in touch recently saying she missed me and wanted to meet up and talk.
I was seriously considering it but after reading this thread and seeing how many people think it’s reasonable to bring their uninvited kids and think all topics of conversation are appropriate, it has made me think it might be better to just leave it.
I don’t think my friend will ever understand why I want to see her alone.

I wanted to talk to my friend about my recent cancer scare and my anxiety waiting for test results, her parents health (I’d known them since childhood and was close to them) as I’d heard her mum had been displaying some dementia symptoms, supporting another friend going through a divorce with her ex becoming abusive, Christmas presents for other friends kids, advice about a creepy manager at work who keeps saying inappropriate things and at some point I wanted to try find out the reason she brought her DD everywhere.
A few people suggested on my threads that her DH might not be as lovely behind closed doors as I thought and that might be the reason she brought her daughter everywhere so I wanted to check she was definitely ok and happy.
I don’t think it’s anything to do with her DH though as she leaves her other kids with him sometimes and just takes her DD everywhere.

I think it’s selfish to bring anyone uninvited to a planned get together. It’s often difficult to find free time and friends are important to me and I want to check on their wellbeing as much as being able to talk freely to them about my own life.
It’s not possible to ask about their health, jobs, husbands and kids when one of their kids is sat listening desperate to change the subject to something they find more interesting!
I don’t understand why anyone would feel comfortable discussing the things I listed in front of their friend’s children?
It’s also impossible to discuss things that are confidential to other people that we both know about (like my friends divorce) and talk about it in a serious sense - not as gossip but so that we could have worked on supporting her.
I was thinking of planning a group trip away and I completely understand why OP doesn’t want her daughters friend to know her budget and how much she can afford to spend, I don’t understand why people are struggling to see why she wouldn’t feel comfortable with that.

As for wanting to see my friend’s kids developing into young women… well that’s what social media is for 😆.

If she’s only here for a week and has her daughter with her I would’ve assumed that daughter is coming too.
I’ve been to visit my family with my DSC with and without DH and they always tagged along to meet my friends if there is food involved even if their dad doesn’t come too

Yes I will go this time. I was on leave so I would have preferred some time with her. As some have pointed out it’s unreasonable not to bring her. I will know for next time x