Friend bringing DD on lunch date.

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My good friend is back from overseas for a week to see her family. She comes periodically. Her parents live close to me and this time she has brought her DD 16.
we arranged a while ago to spend the day together this week, I’m off work. We were looking at different things to do. With the weather we decided a nice lunch out in country and maybe a walk if dry. Then she tells me she is bringing her DD16.
I dotn know if this is just me but we all know we can’t say what we want or discuss what we want round our kids. I wouldn’t think of asking my kids (same age) on girls date.
is this just me or do other people find it strange ???
her DD hasn’t seen the grandparents for a while so wondering why she doesn’t want to spend time with them ?
maybe its me but it’s put a dampener on it.
AIBU ???

I hate the expression giving me the ick but reading repeatedly 'tell her you thought it would be just the 2 of you' 'eventually you will have her to yourself' 'any chance just you & I' etc etc, is beginning to do just that.🤦‍♀️🤣

Have you ever heard of a straw man argument?

Ok. Mine were obviously different at 16, so I didn't realise this.

I think you may be missing a big part of the picture, why does the daughter want to come? She hasn't been to this country in years, hasn't seen her grandparents in years, she's in a strange place, with strangers and the only person she knows is her mum! If she suffers from any sort of anxiety at all then it might be that she's having an awful time, or maybe she is enjoying it and just feeling a little insecure? What are your friends parents like? Are they the sort of people to make their grand daughter welcome or to be judgy. Sounds to me like your friend was probably hoping it would be just the 2 of you but cant leave her daughter because the kids not coping well??? For whatever reason.... xx

I’d be keen to see her daughter if she’s a good friend who you don’t see often so i wouldn’t have a problem with this. I love seeing my mates’ kids, esp at that age when they don’t need looking after and could be good company. Everyone is different so your friend prob won’t be thinking she’s being unreasonable at all.

No nothing like this at all and I only saw her a few months ago !

I don't see friends kids as my friends. I am polite to them, but they are not my friends.

My 16 year old would be fuming if I suggested them tagging along to something like this, very odd she is bringing her but you cant back out now just go and get it overwith and know for next time that she may come again too.

Quite!

I live overseas. And when I travel back to where I grew up, I almost always have my children. They come with me to see everyone, unless my husband is there too. For various reasons, largely health related, I wouldn’t leave my children with their grandparents if I wasn’t there. I can think of other reasons why it might not work to leave a teenager with grandparents - and it’s not the same as leaving them in their own home.

I already find these trips back tricky trying to fit in everyone I want to see and who would like to see me. It would be even harder if my friends didn’t accommodate my children.

I think there is a very big difference between taking your children to lunch with a friend in the same town you live in, and taking a child with you when you are overseas on a trip with them.

For my closest friends, I’d be very glad if their daughters came with us - but these children are special to me.

That being said, aged 16 I’d have been happy to have been dropped off in a town for a wander around the shops while the adults grabbed a coffee.

Resenting that she has a daughter and wanting to show her off???!!!

wtf!!

that’s a bit of a leap

can’t your kids take the 16 year old out with them?

I was in a similar situation as a teen when we visited my parents friends. I was about 15/16 and the 17 ish year old son and his mates took me under their wing and out and about. Went to the local fair, pub, hung out in mates houses, got involved in girlfriend drama 🤣- as a shy kid I absolutely loved it.

mind I also don’t understand the angst about her being there. What on earth are you chatting about a 16 year old can’t hear? Plus I quite like spending time with older teens, they can have some interesting opinions.

I will tell you my experience this past summer.

I went to Australia to see my parents with my 16 year old DS. DS has autism, adhd and had just finished his GCSEs. So he was quite unregulated. And he needed alot of down time in order to get himself back into being a human.

I was scheduled to see one friend of mine - I was travelling an hour to see her and she was travelling an hour to see me, we met in the middle.

My parents do a good line of lamenting that they live so far away from us, and have not been able to see my DS grow up. Both were also teachers, so not unused to kids. My mother in particular likes to weep and wail and get consoled by her friends about the fact she's missing out on so much.

I asked my parents if DS could stay with them while I went to see my friend. All he would have done is stay in his room, or on the sofa with my mother and watch films. He's not violent, he's not rude, but he was very tired and so was very quiet.

They flat out refused. They said that they have done their parenting and were not going to be responsible for another person's child- i.e. their own grandson who they trumpet to all and sundry how much they miss. So I told my friend I had to take him with me. She was very understanding. Did it change the dynamic? Yes, it was pretty restrained. Thankfully we were in a city so he could go and wander a bit by himself, but the wretched child forgot to take his own phone so that was a bit fraught as well as I was worried about him.

I was desperately hurt tbh that my parents couldn't just step up to the plate. I can hand on heart say I have never asked them to look after DS at any stage- they barely see him. He was not a baby. He would have just sat around and been quiet, patted their cats, taken their dog for a walk at best.

So just saying that not all grandparents seem desperate to spend 1-1 time with their kids. Not all even welcome them that much. Your friend may have that sort of situation going on.

Why should OPs son have to look after the DD who he barely knows?

I agree with you. If my friend was coming from overseas and I barely saw them, I’d be happy to spend time with them and her sons . My daughter is 17 and when when my friend visits from overseas by herself, the expectation is always that we spend time together. If she is here with her sons, they come too. I’m not sure what can’t be discussed in front of a 16 year old, unless you’re going into a deeply personal discussion about your sex life, which I wouldn’t be comfortable with whether my daughter was there or not.

Why does a 16 year old girl need “looking after”?

Me neither. They are the children of my friends. When I said ‘if she is a good friend’, the ‘she’ was referring to the friend, not the teenager.

Exactly. I wasn’t saying she does

Depends on the teenager doesn't it? And the occasion. A 16 year old is still learning and some are more comfortable than others. Some are more socially anxious than others. That's why adults include them. Because we built those skills from being around adults as we were growing up.
The OP isn't implying the 16 year old is being forced onto it.
I feel as if the thrust of this thread is saying - don't socialise with your 16 year old daughter because friends won't and shouldn't support you. They have an absolute right to your undivided attention. It feels very counter intuitive to me.

I consider a friend and her family a package. If through circumstances they brought their children or their husband along during a get together it wouldn't bother me in the least. The more the merrier.

Can't say it would bother me but I see I am in the minority.

Just meet for a coffee and after one coffee leave? Would they be coming from far to meet you?

Yes, I’d be glad to see them, esp if they live abroad. I love seeing my friends’ kids (esp once past the age of needing supervision!) but obvs not everyone does, according to this thread.

Yes say this

I know, plus "her development into a young adult"?!
Who "shows off" their teens like this?