Friend bringing DD on lunch date.

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My good friend is back from overseas for a week to see her family. She comes periodically. Her parents live close to me and this time she has brought her DD 16.
we arranged a while ago to spend the day together this week, I’m off work. We were looking at different things to do. With the weather we decided a nice lunch out in country and maybe a walk if dry. Then she tells me she is bringing her DD16.
I dotn know if this is just me but we all know we can’t say what we want or discuss what we want round our kids. I wouldn’t think of asking my kids (same age) on girls date.
is this just me or do other people find it strange ???
her DD hasn’t seen the grandparents for a while so wondering why she doesn’t want to spend time with them ?
maybe its me but it’s put a dampener on it.
AIBU ???

Clearly not just you.

This hasn’t actually happened, but my friend would even ask before she brings her eldest who is a.18 and b. My goddaughter.

In most cases if she did it would be fine and I’ll say bring her along, but it’s the principle of the thing - you don’t just impose your child on the group without asking. Even if they’re an older teen or adult. It does change the dynamics!

I had one friend who brought her 16 year old and her 5 year old. I assume the older kid came along to take care of her younger sister, but she was on the phone the whole time ignoring us all so the 5 year old who ended up dominating the conversation a bit. It’s not ideal but I didn’t mind as my friend is a single parent and doesn’t have a lot of childcare options so I get why the younger one came. Not so much the teen!

I think when she mentioned her daughter not wanting to go to a spa that was your notification she would be coming and you should have said something then if you definitely didn’t want her daughter to come.

However would however definitely have been polite of her to check with you properly that you were okay with her daughter coming. The fact you have sons who wouldn’t want to come etc isn’t really relevant.

It doesn’t sound like it’s too late to say ‘can I just check if your daughter is coming too? I thought it might be nice for us to have a proper catch up just us?’ And then she may leave her daughter with her parents for a few hours.

I dont think feigning illness to not see her this time is a good idea as the problem will very likely occur next time. Best to clarify things now!

this won’t be suitable discussing flights hotels prices etc in front of a child.

Have the discussion! Make sure she's really bored and doesn't want to tag along again.

Exactly, think of this situation if it were two blokes meeting up for a catch-up and one told the other (who has taken a day off work ) at the last minute he is bringing his teenage son.

Is she from a different culture? In my culture, friends want to meet their friends' kids. It's considered absolutely normal. In fact, I have the opposite problem when I go back home. My friends wanting to meet my kids, and my kids can't be bothered to come along. In your example, the norm would have been to bring DD along, and if you wanted an adult only girlie catch-up, you would have had to specifically ask for it when planning.

The spa comment was her explicitly saying she was bringing her daughter - why on earth would you not think she was?

I’m obviously in the minority, but since they are on holiday together I would have assumed the daughter was coming, even without the comment (which made it quite clear imo). I’d be fine with it, just happy to see a friend I don’t get to see often. I wouldn’t expect a 16 yo to spend a day of their holiday alone.

Why is discussing holidays and prices not suitable for a child?

at worst it will be boring for them, 🤷‍♀️

I discuss this sort of stuff with my kids all the time. In fact our holidays are usually decided by setting a budget and everyone pitching in with ideas about cost and what they want.

16 year olds will know holidays cost money, surely? If she’s 16 she will likely be planning her own girls holidays in a couple of years, if not already. She might learn something useful…or she may even have some good ideas..

Assuming the daughter has no SEN or challenging behaviour that the grandparents won’t be able to manage. She might just think you would want to see her DD. But it’s just not the same meeting up with a friend when they have their child with them.

This seems to be a bit of a thing now
One of my friends is always trying to convert what were previously grown up lunches into lunches including our late teens girls
And one of the 5 of us doesn’t even have kids

Very good point!

'I was really looking forward to a child-free catch up. I had no idea you planned to bring your DD. Let's leave it for Xday. If you have any child free time when we can catch up, just let me know and I'll try to work round it. I love your DD, but honestly I need some space from kids at the moment '.

Sounds like it will be a bit shite.

Pay your son to come and babysit. Ask him to take the child off somewhere else for a while to give you and friend time alone.

And then check in future, ‘just us right? No DCs this time!’

It's not just you. I think it's fine for women to meet up without teens being there. My DD is now in her 30s but would never have wanted to do this! She was always very independent though and never tagged along.

This.

The age of the dd is only an exacerbating factor. I can't believe so many people need it spelled out that a conversation between two old friends who rarely see each other is going to be very different to one between vague acquaintances, particularly ones (like a (I'm assuming) 40odd year old and 16 year old)!

And that there's nothing wrong with preferring the former, particularly when that what has been PLANNED and agreed.

It's pretty much the same as the friend inviting along an old work colleague OP hasn't spoken to in years.

Yes OP COULD go and chat about the weather, etc. but her friend lives abroad, she barely sees her, why should she.

This girl is 16, not 6.Presumably OP isn't meeting her friend in the only pub on a desolate moor, it's going to be in a town centre or whatever with shops where the dd can mooch for an hour or two if she doesn't want to spend time with her own grandparents or just relaxing in the house. Friend is being really rude. It would be bad enough if they met up regularly but much worse given they only rarely have the chance to catch up.

I wonder if some teenage girls are a bit more clingy now? Is she not able to do anything on her own?

Sympathy, OP. I don't know if it's worth creating bad feeling over in this case though.

I used to have a coffee morning get-together for school mums just before the Christmas holidays when I worked part time, and everyone appreciated it, relaxed, had a laugh and a lot of fun.

Then one woman, whose daughter was off sick, brought her along (9 years old and very er...let's just say 'precocious'). It absolutely sucked! No-one could talk freely, this girl sat there listening and chipping in as if she were an adult, and then wandered off and managed to accidentally-on purpose wreck some of my children's toys while they were at school

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. It was only once but it was VERY annoying.

This reminds me of visiting my friend and catching up. She said her teenage son would join us?! So I brought my daughter and they chatted and did an activity. It did change the vibe and the conversation became all about her son. I remember thinking that I’d rather have stayed home! I would personally cancel and feign a headache. Then reach out the next day apologising and suggesting an adult only brunch? And see what she says!

How awful.

I think it is really rude of her, but she is an old friend.
In this situation I would text that something has come up and you can now meet for a quick coffee.
No way would I allow this to stand.
It also would really make me very careful going forward to commit.
My time is precious and if she doesn't want and value a 1 on 1 meeting with me, then I would accept that.

If you let the arrangement stand, the message is its ok.
A few times cadual people would arrange a coffee and then say "oh I'll have X with me".
Every single time I have replied " no problem we can reschedule for a day you are free".

If I am out childfree, I don't do the children of others.
Thankfully none of my close friends are so obtuse to do this.

That’s absolutely ridiculous. Why all this faff? Just say ‘I was hoping for a one-on-one, Chloe — any chance we could do meet without Jess?’

This is a one week holiday and maybe the grand parents are also going out that day, I think if you’ve inappropriate stuff to discuss use a phone call. This is a catch up with her and her daughter who is holidaying with her, if you don’t wish this cancel, , explain uouve inappropriate stuff to discuss and don’t wish to see her if her daughter is there,

It's not about inappropriate stuff. It's about a woman wanting to meet up with her friend without the DD tagging along.

Maybe just meet your friend either earlier in the morning for coffee or later in the day and spend the rest of your day off work doing something for yourself as your own time is precious too. I value my own time and if I don’t have my own kids with me I wouldn’t want to be spending my free time with someone else’s kids