Friend bringing DD on lunch date.

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My good friend is back from overseas for a week to see her family. She comes periodically. Her parents live close to me and this time she has brought her DD 16.
we arranged a while ago to spend the day together this week, I’m off work. We were looking at different things to do. With the weather we decided a nice lunch out in country and maybe a walk if dry. Then she tells me she is bringing her DD16.
I dotn know if this is just me but we all know we can’t say what we want or discuss what we want round our kids. I wouldn’t think of asking my kids (same age) on girls date.
is this just me or do other people find it strange ???
her DD hasn’t seen the grandparents for a while so wondering why she doesn’t want to spend time with them ?
maybe its me but it’s put a dampener on it.
AIBU ???

You need to reframe your thinking. She’s on holiday with her daughter and making time to see you, so you are the one who should be accommodating.

@Catza yes but not relevant here

Thats a shame. Mine a pretty good at this but we have loads of people stay as have friends and family from abroad and so they are used to taking randomers under their wings. One of them would hate it though so understand it doesn't suit all of them!

i want to know what on earth o/p is discussing with her friend that isn’t “appropriate” for a 16 year old?

I’ve read all her posts and she even says she won’t be talking about shagging so what? I mean I don’t discuss my sex life with my friends but I can’t think of any other topic I wouldn’t discuss with teens around…

Come on. It’s different with a teen around. That’s not just about age appropriacy.

I never said that I always meet my friend with their children. I said that I cannot think of what topic I would not be able to discuss with my friends in front of their teenager. Which you haven't addressed but, instead, invented an extreme scenario where I never want to see my friends without their children. Please explain to me how this is not a perfect example of a straw man argument.

So you would discuss a problem you were having with your own teen dc in front of your friend’s dc? I find that unlikely.

Why is it sad?

I prefer mixed social groups. I find it a bit odd when people arrange something and exclude others- I had a friend who would often decline an invitation as she was meeting up with a different friend. I would always just widen the invitation and suggest we all went together.

ok if there’s a personality clash that’s different, but generally if my teens wanted to come somewhere with me I’d be absolutely fine. If my friend wanted to bring her teens also not an issue.

But then I don’t get what people are chatting about that they can’t if teens are present. Bitching about husbands perhaps? That’s not something I enjoy or would do though.

I would have taken it as a nice opportunity to get to know her daughter at this phase of her life better, and for her daughter to spend some time with elder women. It seems very natural and good to me, and honestly you sound a bit rigid and selfish.

I was referring to her developing personality & hearing about her life as a teenager rather than a young child. 🙄Are you not proud to introduce your children to friends?🤔

I was about to suggest the exact same thing! The kids are similar in age. Your son can occupy your friend's DD, and engage her in conversation, take her for a walk, etc, while you and your friend catch up. Perfect solution! (Who knows, might be the start of a beautiful friendship!).

Can you bring your kids too?

she probably doesn’t want to have an intimate chat so bringing the kid is a good way to avoid

maybe the friend doesn’t enjoy these conversations the o/p does?

maybe she’d rather the 16 year old is there to ensure conversation remains light, rather than get into whatever it is o/p wants to talk about?

I can just see her aibu- am I aibu to bring my dd to a lunch with my friend who always wants to bitch about her husband and moan about her life? I like her but I just want to have a nice chat…

Maybe she doesn’t have a choice- for whatever reason.
Would it really be so bad, this once to get together with her and her daughter?
She is giving you a big chunk of time on her visit home. Sometimes it’s really hard to juggle everything and everyone when you visit home, and maybe she can’t give you a time without her daughter. Can you not be an understanding friend and just be ok with it, this time?

That's disappointing OP and noone I know would do this. It totally changes the dynamics and a lot of common topics would be off the table, eg relationships, children, money. Other topics like work and mutual friends could be boring for the dd and also avoided. Of course, maybe you have lots in common with the dd and can enjoy seeing her, but it doesn't sound like this is the case.

There may be reasons why her dd has to come, but a friend should tell you this. I would say, sorry it won't be the two of us this time as I need to bring dd because of x. I understand if you want to leave it this time, but she's looking forward to seeing you.

All you can do is accept it or pull out, at this stage.

Thanks not alone then! X

Yes completely this! You can’t discuss what you want to on any level round your child. For example we wanted to look at our next girls holiday with friends but this won’t be suitable discussing flights hotels prices etc in front of a child. Thansk for understanding I’m thinking I might have to suck it up this time but not do it when she comes again 🤞🤞🤞🤞

No, this is not near the mark at all.

No they are 17 and one working the other out with friends !!! Otherwise possibly yes

I know her daughter she is lovely, just think its inappropriate for a meet up with friend

Exactly I have my own kids I don’t need someone else’s for a few hours catch up. I would understand if younger and had to come . 16. I don’t get at all. Just me maybe 🤷

So stop whining about what your friend should or shouldn’t do, and act? If you don’t want to have lunch with your friend’s teenager, ask politely to rearrange for a time when she can come alone. There’s literally no point in musing on the internet about why she’s bringing her.

I can see both sides of the coin but I truly understand why you would want to spend time time alone with your friend.
I treasure those occasions.

Well if you think it's inappropriate to discuss hotels and flights in front of a 16 year old I'm not surprised you feel inhibited by her daughter. I think it's fine to suggest meeting alone when the arrangements are being made but not the morning of the meeting. Presume she said 'Marianne and I are coming to see mum and dad in October half term, you want to meet for lunch?' - then was the time you clarify who is meeting if not having her daughter there is that important to you. Not just before the lunch.

But I am interested in how you would have responded if you'd asked at the time 'will you be able to get away for a lunch just the two of us' and she'd said 'oh no, Marianne is self harming whenever she's left alone, but she's good company, I'll have to bring her' would you have said 'no thanks then'? Because honestly that would be quite rude.

To be honest OP I can't understand why someone would be so possessive of a friend they can't contemplate an afternoon with her daughter around at the same time. What exactly would you wish to talk about that her daughter would find unacceptable. I say this to all those with the same opinion.

Edit. I wouldn't leave my family for a 'girls only holiday' because I simply wouldn't enjoy it. Your thread makes more sense now given those arrangements are popular with a lot of women & time together alone without family is important. Each to their own though.