A lovely family? Is this normal?

[anon876543]

This is hard to write. I’ve seen great advice on here and I am asking for it, for my family. Please be kind as it’s taking a lot to write this even.

Married 20 years, 3 teenagers close in age.

I’m finding things difficult. I felt that I knew what I was doing when they were little and now I feel out of my depth. We are all adjusting maybe through puberty x3, I’m going through menopause and I think my DH is struggling also.

Especially with repeated redundancy rounds and that his career hasn’t quite been what he’s dreamed of and worked so hard for. Long story.

I think DH is struggling, no social life. No hobbies. Just work and parenting. Rising bills and interest rates on a big mortgage coming up.

Thats the background. But he’s being very snappy with the kids. And very irritable..

He found some sweet wrappers in our eldest boys’ room and was so cross, he came downstairs and whilst he was studying at the table, he grabbed the neck of his t-shirt from behind and threw them underneath.

Oldest just told me this tonight.

He said that he heard him arguing with the youngest and think maybe that he shook him.. and that he knew even though he was studying that it would be his turn next- because Daddy was in a bad mood.

Sundays are always a horrible day and I wish H would just go off, meet some friends, go to the gym, play golf… anything. He says that he can’t as the house is always a tip.

No one has been physically hurt… but this can’t go on. Yet they listen to my H and don’t listen to me so I’m afraid on so many levels of trying to do this on my own.

I’m honestly lost and feel that I’ve lost what is normal? No family is perfect and LTB isn’t straight on my list either..

Even though that behaviour is completely unacceptable, let’s not be too hasty. You need a proper conversation with him about all this and he may need mental health input. Don’t jump to worst case scenario yet (LTB), start at the beginning and take it one step at a time. You need a serious, honest chat with DH (and the kids too - separately)

What does grab the neck of his T-shirt from behind and through them underneath mean?

Your DH stuffed sweet wrappers down the neck of your eldest boy's t-shirt and also shook the youngest one during an argument? Is that right?

That behaviour has crossed the line into abuse and you can't just let it stand. What do your teenagers actually really feel about him?

I think certainly a firm conversation about this with your DH is needed. Telling him that this behaviour is unacceptable so he either gets help and stops forthwith or he leaves.

Your husband lost it over sweet wrappers?! Mad. Tell him to go to the doctor because that's not bloody normal.

He got that angry over sweet wrappers in a teenager's bedroom? That's absolutely not ok or a proportionate response.

He sounds abusive. Are you all treading on eggshells around him in fear of him flying off the handle at any little thing?

Threw them, not through them. Threw the sweet wrappers under the neck of his t-shirt.

Getting physical is crossing a line.
He sounds like he needs to speak to someone. Would he go to Gp or does work have any type of employee assistance program.
How old are the teens.
Financially do you work or is everything on dh?

Your dh needs to leave and not come back until he has got the help he needs

Your dc listen to him purely because of their own safety

Ltb just might save your family because as your dc leave for university they won’t be back if their father is still on the scene

Why was your dh angry about finding sweetwrappers in your teens bedroom.
Why was he even entering this teens bedroom.

This is abuse and it’s up to you to keep your dc safe from there abusive father

On the work front I suspect that your dh hasn’t done as well as he hoped because he thought working hard at the job would get him noticed and he failed to realise it’s who you know that gets you rising up the ladder

If he never cultivated friendships and has no hobbies and all he does is work then he will get passed over in his job
If he is also a stickler for rules and goes overboard if someone makes a mistake then nobody will promote him for fear of complaints from staff members he has abused

"No family is perfect" doesn't apply to your family @anon876543

I think you need to speak with Women's Aid.

https://womensaid.org.uk/about-domestic-abuse/

This is turning physical if he threw your son. That’s not on.

No it isn't normal at all he is an abusive bully

Sorry OP. No excuses. My mind goes to how humiliating that must have been for your boys, and how angry they must have been, and scared. Powerless in the face of his unreasonable anger.
I don't want to "armchair analyse", but this sounds like a man seeking something he can control when nothing else is working out for him. You need to confront him, and you need to be very calm and stick to your message. Your boys are entitled to feel safe in thier home, and he is not entitled to take his frustrations out on them. You will not tolerate them being subject to his moods. He needs to deal with his issues like a mature adult, or he can leave. No 2nd chances. You cannot let this pass without comment.
And then I would have conversations with your boys, say his behaviour was unacceptable, and you've called him out on it, because no-one deserves that treatment, especially not children in thier home.
Go mama bear.

He said that he heard him arguing with the youngest and think maybe that he shook him.. and that he knew even though he was studying that it would be his turn next- because Daddy was in a bad mood.

This says it all OP. It isn’t just a one off isolated incident- your son has learnt to expect this behaviour when his Dad is in a bad mood. The sweet wrapper is just an excuse; your DH is a bad mood and finding any reason to take that anger out on your sons- both verbally and physically. Please don’t try and tell yourself this is a normal family dynamic- it really really isn’t.

your husband is abusive and is abusing your children. This is why Sundays are “horrible”
you need to protect and stand up for your children
they will remember how you did or did not speak up for them
I would consider contacting women’s aid for advice on how to safely proceed but your husband needs to leave and sort out his anger and rage problem

Did op mean he threw the sweet wrapper under this T-shirt? So like he picked up the sweet wrapper from his room and instead of putting it in a bin, he put it inside his top (I’m guessing so that the teen can take it from there and put it in a bin). If that happened in house, DH will be told not to do that again and the teen will be told to remember to put their rubbish in the bin and that’ll be the end of it.
There’s no excuse for the shaking and if this is the first time it’s happened, you need to get to the bottom of it by asking why being physical was what he resorted to and asking him to get help. If this is a pattern then he definitely needs to get serious help asap

It’s hardly a huge issue for a teen to leave some sweet wrappers in his room. Your husbands reactions are really OTT, show a loss of temper and I’d be concerned that they’ll escalate further. What will he do if the kids actually do something wrong, as teens often do?

Can you all get out and go for a bracing walk in the countryside on Sundays? It helps with bonding and is a great cure for cabin fever. Even better if it's awful weather (with suitable clothing).

Is the house a tip? That on its own will increase everyones stress level and make outbursts more likely. Can you all pull together and spend 2 hours doing a massive declutter and deep clean on a Saturday or Sunday morning first thing? And then set aside 30 mins going forward to reset the space put away laundry etc as a team so it doesn't get bad again? With body doubling it really is less painful knowing it is not just you fighting the tide of shite.

I am not saying his behaviour is ok, I am saying he and you sound under an unsustainable amount of stress and anyone put into that for long enough will burn out and behave badly. Presumably this is out of character for him and that is why you are posting.

I like Seth Capehart on youtube for mens fitness and mental health, have managed to get DH to take some of the advice on board around sleep, mental health, diet and exercise, because it is targeted at fathers. Again, if he is not getting enough sleep then that alone will result in him behaving badly. E.g. drinking every night will wreck his sleep, or simply not going to bed early enough (revenge bedtime procrastination from hating his job).

Anyway keep posting here for support, you are not alone in trying to juggle and manage the less than perfect family.

You need to have it out with him, don't be afraid. He could need T replacement therapy, to start exercising, or to go on meds. But you can't make him, he has to want to. BUT you can say: here is a non negotiable. You cannot be physical with the children EVER. Those kids especially the boys are going to grow older and probably bigger than him any day, so he has to to learn to manage conflict with them in better ways. Be assertive and communicate. It's worth it. Doing the same changed my marriage.

PS. "horrible Sundays" is a theme for me too and makes me want to walk into the sea - I refuse to stay home on Sundays, it is a trap and always ends in tears, from around 3pm everyone is grumpy, Mondayitis has fully set in and it is torture.

The best solution is to do a long forest walk as @ChubbyCheeksCharlie suggests. If it's chucking it down I simply fuck off to the shopping centre for a coffee and leave them on screens.

He grabbed your oldest and shook your youngest?

‘No one has been physically hurt…’

Well that’s ok then.

Can’t believe losing it over some sweet wrappers in a teenager’s room. That’s a lack of a problem that’s being turned into a problem.

He didn’t throw his son. He threw sweet wrappers found in his room down the back of his t shirt. Also not acceptable, but not the same thing.

I've lived this life with a miserable grumpy man, everyone is on eggs shells around.

They KNOW what they're doing. LEAVE. Trust me, you'll all be better off.

He found sweet wrappers in his sons room so he physically assaulted him???

Your son wasn’t even being confrontational - he was literally sat at the table!!

Please tell me this is a wind up because it’s half term.