A lovely family? Is this normal?

[anon876543]

This is hard to write. I’ve seen great advice on here and I am asking for it, for my family. Please be kind as it’s taking a lot to write this even.

Married 20 years, 3 teenagers close in age.

I’m finding things difficult. I felt that I knew what I was doing when they were little and now I feel out of my depth. We are all adjusting maybe through puberty x3, I’m going through menopause and I think my DH is struggling also.

Especially with repeated redundancy rounds and that his career hasn’t quite been what he’s dreamed of and worked so hard for. Long story.

I think DH is struggling, no social life. No hobbies. Just work and parenting. Rising bills and interest rates on a big mortgage coming up.

Thats the background. But he’s being very snappy with the kids. And very irritable..

He found some sweet wrappers in our eldest boys’ room and was so cross, he came downstairs and whilst he was studying at the table, he grabbed the neck of his t-shirt from behind and threw them underneath.

Oldest just told me this tonight.

He said that he heard him arguing with the youngest and think maybe that he shook him.. and that he knew even though he was studying that it would be his turn next- because Daddy was in a bad mood.

Sundays are always a horrible day and I wish H would just go off, meet some friends, go to the gym, play golf… anything. He says that he can’t as the house is always a tip.

No one has been physically hurt… but this can’t go on. Yet they listen to my H and don’t listen to me so I’m afraid on so many levels of trying to do this on my own.

I’m honestly lost and feel that I’ve lost what is normal? No family is perfect and LTB isn’t straight on my list either..

And to see it so early on the thread (before all nuance is abandoned)

This is a bully bringing out his frustrations on his family. He probably knows exactly what he is doing and feels powerful knowing that everyone is stepping on eggshells around him. Those poor children deserve to have someone stand up for them and this situation cannot continue. How dare he bring misery to those dear children because of his failings. Seek advice as others have suggested here. You will be supported and guided. This bully must be stopped and the only way this will happen is if he’s confronted and exposed because at the end of the day he has shown that he is a bully and a coward. I wonder if he displays this side to him to others? You owe it to your children and to yourself to ensure that this stops. Unfortunately, it’s not as easy as going for a walk. This man must know that the game is up, he needs to leave his family alone and sort himself out. It’s time for a GP appointment because he clearly needs professional help.The one leaving should obviously be him not you and the children. Seek advice, talk to him, don’t be manipulated by him. He’s not the child. Bullies can be so manipulative, but they don’t fool the experts. Be strong for yourself and your family and ultimately for him too.

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His anger could be undiagnosed depression, but it has now crossed over into physically abusing his children.
This is really serious and if your children decide to mention it to a teacher, it would go straight to safeguarding.
Life with 3 teens can be busy, hard and relentless.
But abuse within the family is very serious.

You need a very calm conversation with him and let him know that he must see his doctor.
Tell him that he has become a house terrorist verbally upsetting and now physically abusing the children.
Tell him you cannot allow this.
It is too serious.

He needs to take responsibility for his stress, anger and not think he can behave like this.

Would he grab his colleagues?
No he wouldn't.

Don't allow him to think you will tolerate your children being abused.
He needs to go and stay elsewhere if necessary.
I'm so sorry.
Oh and definitely be open with the children that Dad is finding things difficult, BUT his behaviour is NOT acceptable.
Teen bedrooms are a stress point in many houses.

The measure of a man , or woman isn't how they cope day to day , but how they cope under pressure- taking your frustrations out on someone you have authority over is unpleasant and ugly- remind DH of that.

"DH we are under massive pressure right now. It is making me feel annoyed with kids, hard to sleep, everything seems like a mountain, I have put everything n the basket of doom... do you feel that?" "what can we do ..."

"Kids - we are under massive pressure right now. The strain is going to cause short tempers as a small thing can become too much. We have a nice family - do your part - X your job this month is Y... A - you need to do B...we can do this but need to do it together. Pay attention, because when you are grown things like this will happen, so put your learning cap on"

Put into the diary a weekly walk with dh, or something out of the house, cheap and easy to achieve. The same time every week can help achieve that.

Aim for small but sweet successes.

Good luck. Most families hit walls for some reason or other. How you handle it is important.

I think your husband is probably depressed; it sounds like a miserable existence tbh.
Anything to look forward to??
can you and your husband have any counselling? It would easily be worth it at this stage of life / marriage for both of you.
Keep the kids as busy as possible; tell your husband he has Sundays off from
now on and that he can go out etc as he wishes. Tell him you recognize he is struggling and that you see it; it’s important at this time that you try to rebuild your connection to allow your marriage to survive and everyone in your family to stay happy. I’m less concerned about the sweets down the tshirt than I am about depression and everyone being miserable… I don’t think the sweet wrappers are particularly bad although I agree it’s not ideal. The cause is clearly not the sweets; it’s that your husband is incredibly stressed. My dad would of done this - he then subsequently had a huge breakdown; also caused by pressures of daily family life, my mum was a bit soppy / useless and also he had huge stress at work. I would strongly advise taking action to support your husbands mental health and that of your family; your kids won’t remember the sweets up the tshirt but they will remember how stressed dad was and how awful it was at home at that period Xx

he sounds like he's suffering from mental health...he needs to see his gp...tell him youre worried about your childrens health and welfare..stand firm...your kids dont need this behavior in their lives..i know, im living it too...good luck xx

I agree @BrickMaker. If this behavior is atypical for him, i.e., it's new behavior, he needs to address it. He may be heading for a breakdown and he certainly needs some outlets instead of mooching inside at the weekend.

My DH (54) has an outdoor hobby that provides relief from his stressful job, and we go for daily walks -that's the joy of having teenagers, you can go for an evening walk without needing a babysitter. We sometimes stop off for a drink if we're in the mood :-)

I'd make some plans for Sundays too and if your teenagers don't want to come along, leave them, they'll be fine for an afternoon.

The fact yojr ds was expecting it due to his dad moods tell you what you need to know op
Sorry you going through this but your the only one that can stop it for your dc

I wasn't sure about that either. (OP said "threw" btw, not through).

Your DH stuffed sweet wrappers down the neck of your eldest boy's t-shirt

Ah, thanks for explaining.

I'd be interested in understanding the parenting dynamic in your household.
You mention DH commenting on the house being a tip - is that accurate or an overreaction from DH? You also mention that nobody in the household will listen to you - does that mean that the parenting/discipline is his responsibility?

This is not looking to make excuses for his behaviour nor try and assign blame to you OP, but I wonder if there are some practical approaches in running the household (which also involve your children) and sharing parental responsibilities that will improve the overall atmosphere. A lot of parenting relationships will include a good cop/bad cop dynamic, but that's not healthy, and quite unfair on both parties. The bad copy has a more stressful, less enjoyable role in parenting, where the good cop lacks the voice and influence.

That aside DH definitely sounds like he'd benefit from getting help: starting with a GP and getting bloodwork done (hormones, iron/ferratin levels etc) then looking into counselling. It sounds like there's a number of things that could be contributing to depression or anxiety that could be quite solvable.

No, it isn't normal at all, your husband is angrily getting physical with your children

Thank you all so much for your caring, helpful and thoughtful replies.
I am genuinely so grateful.
There is a lot for me to read through and act on.
I spoke calmly to DH this morning and his first reaction was very defensive.
I told him that I loved him and was worried about him.
He got his hair cut today and actually went to the gym. He seemed much happier afterwards. I’m going to keep on encouraging and insisting.
My first priority is the children and a happy atmosphere at home is vital- something I didn’t have growing up and makes me so sad to think this is the case for my children when I swore my life would be different.

Married carefully for this reason.

Agree also about the Testosterone therapy.. he’s turned into such a grumpy middle aged man and needs some help.

lots of brilliant advice and going to read everything through carefully.

Thank you all again xxx